I Dream of Jolene (Revision 1)

[JJWilliamson]

I unravel the Druid's Prayer then write
of ancient oaks and tree beards.
Ivanhoe!! It's on;
they're about to show your favourite.
My iced Tsingtao sloshes hectically
over the pixie filled wagon train.

I retire to our shadowed drawing room
to scrutinize a rerun of, "A Man For all Seasons".
We prognosticate, wait for Thomas' death speech,
certain his signature, not his brains, will grace
the contract this time. Wouldn't bet on it.

Our neighbours peep through cracks
in the fence to assess the importance
of gardens for the retired. Neatly threaded
steak and onion kebabs, barbied, and served
with red hot chilli pepper sauce irks as the richness
wafts through the honeysuckled gazebo.

Smack-pop, gurgle-gurgle, bloop-bloop-bloop,
flows pomerol's soft vanilla, black cherry Merlot
into Bordeaux Crystal, leaving the bone china
to soak for aeons in the blue lagoon.

We'd ditched the dishwasher to fit a walk in fridge
for exotic fruits, bottled beers and wines
from around the universe and beyond...
We get a buzz out of our lateral thinking.

Retirement is the path to Pike o' Blisco via Jack's Rake,
the glittering tarns of Haystacks, perhaps Machu Picchu
or the Alamo. No, it'll be Benidorm, all inclusive,
extended stay (in hospital) avoiding the stairs up and down;
take the lift and ride on the tail of a firework.

Top of the listamundo is Jolene, first thing in the morning,
hiding the duvet stained with droplets of white Rioja,
scrumpled pillows, battered bolster, and a memory
that's terribly, terribly Torremolinos



ORIGINAL

I unravel the Druid's Prayer then write
of ancient oaks and tree beards.
Ivanhoe!! It's on;
they're about to transmit your favourite.
My iced Tsingtao sloshes hectically
over the pixie filled wagon train.

I retire to our shadowed drawing room
to scrutinize a rerun of, "A Man For all Seasons".
We prognosticate, wait for Thomas' death speech,
certain his signature, not his brains, will grace
the contract this time. Tis a good bet.

Our neighbours peep through cracks in the fence
to assess the importance of gardens for the retired.
Neatly threaded steak and onions, barbied, and served
with red hot chilli pepper sauce irks as the richness
wafts through the honeysuckled gazebo.
Smack-pop, gurgle-gurgle, bloop-bloop-bloop,
flows pomerol's soft vanilla merlot into Bordeaux Crystal,
leaving the bone china to soak for aeons in the blue lagoon.

We'd ditched the dish washer to fit a walk in fridge
for exotic fruits, bottled beers and wines
from around the universe and beyond...
We get a buzz out of our lateral thinking.

Retirement is the path to Pike o' Blisco via Jack's Rake,
the glittering tarns of Haystacks, perhaps Machu Picchu
or the Alamo. No, it'll be Benidorm, all inclusive,
extended stay (in hospital) avoiding the stairs up and down;
take the lift and ride on the tail of a firework.


Top of the listamundo is Jolene, first thing in the morning,
hiding the duvet stained with droplets of white Rioja,
scrumpled pillows, battered bolster, and a memory
that's terribly, terribly Torremolinos.

[brianedwards]

I unravel the Druid's Prayer then write
of ancient oaks and tree beards.
Ivanhoe!! It's on;
they're about to transmit your favourite.
My iced Tsingtao sloshes [s]hectically[/s]
over the pixie filled wagon train.

I retire to our shadowed drawing room
to scrutinize a rerun of, "A Man For all Seasons". ... peculiar choice. Jarred a little.
We prognosticate, wait for Thomas' death speech,
certain his signature, not his brains, will grace
the contract this time. Tis a good bet.

Our neighbours peep through cracks in the fence
to assess the importance of gardens for the retired.
Neatly threaded steak and onions, barbied, and served ... also jarred.
with [s]red hot[/s] chilli pepper sauce irks as the richness
wafts through the honeysuckled gazebo.
[s]Smack-pop, gurgle-gurgle, bloop-bloop-bloop,[/s]
flows pomerol's soft vanilla merlot into Bordeaux Crystal,
leaving the bone china to soak for aeons in the blue lagoon.

We'd ditched the dish washer to fit a walk in fridge ... dishwasher should be one word?
for exotic fruits, bottled beers and wines
from around the universe and beyond... ... where would that be then?
We get a buzz out of our lateral thinking.

Retirement is the path to Pike o' Blisco via Jack's Rake,
the glittering tarns of Haystacks, perhaps Machu Picchu
or the Alamo. No, it'll be Benidorm, all inclusive,
extended stay [s](in hospital)[/s] avoiding [s]the[/s] stairs [s]up and down[/s];
take the lift and ride on the tail of a firework.


Top of the listamundo is Jolene, first thing in the morning,
hiding the duvet stained with droplets of white Rioja,
scrumpled pillows, battered bolster, and a memory
that's [s]terribly[/s], terribly Torremolinos.

I like it. That is, I dislike the voice but I like the song. It's got a zap and a zing. Very 1989.

Enjoyed, thanks.

B.

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Brian, for a very thoughtful critique.

I was describing a series of dreamlike events, using the arts as an underlying framework, mixed with the everyday affairs of life.
There are many references to movies (11) , music (3), T.V. series (6), Novels (5) although three of them are indirect. Consequently, some
of the seemingly extraneous words and phrases, are there for a reason; not necessarily a good reason or as an effective vehicle, but hopefully
as something verging on the mildly amusing.

EG:

I unravel the Druid's Prayer then write
of ancient oaks and tree beards.
Ivanhoe!! It's on;
they're about to transmit your favourite.
My iced Tsingtao sloshes [s]hectically[/s] One definite allusion to a childrens TV series, one dubious reference to a movie.
over the pixie filled wagon train.

I retire to our shadowed drawing room
to scrutinize a rerun of, "A Man For all Seasons". ... peculiar choice. Jarred a little. This movie has always fascinated me because of Thomas' unshakeable faith and belief in the infallibility of the Pope, St Peter's spiritual descendant. Even when presented with overwhelming reasons to sign, IE a forced signature is invalid, he cited his conscience as his guide. I 'll look at 'scrutinize' again. Thanks.
We prognosticate, wait for Thomas' death speech,
certain his signature, not his brains, will grace
the contract this time. Tis a good bet.

Our neighbours peep through cracks in the fence
to assess the importance of gardens for the retired.
Neatly threaded steak and onions, barbied, and served ... also jarred. Yip, need to clarify.
with [s]red hot[/s] chilli pepper sauce irks as the richness Music reference
wafts through the honeysuckled gazebo.
[s]Smack-pop, gurgle-gurgle, bloop-bloop-bloop,[/s] Number of things going on here. I love the bloop bloop bloop sound of wine leaving the bottle. Could drop it though
flows pomerol's soft vanilla merlot into Bordeaux Crystal,
leaving the bone china to soak for aeons in the blue lagoon.

We'd ditched the dishwasher to fit a walk in fridge ... dishwasher should be one word? Good call, consider it changed. We've never had a dishwasher or a walk in fridge for that matter.
for exotic fruits, bottled beers and wines
from around the universe and beyond... ... where would that be then? Buzz Lightyear. " To infinity and beyond".
We get a buzz out of our lateral thinking. Here he is.

Retirement is the path to Pike o' Blisco via Jack's Rake,
the glittering tarns of Haystacks, perhaps Machu Picchu
or the Alamo. No, it'll be Benidorm, all inclusive,
extended stay [s](in hospital)[/s] avoiding [s]the[/s] stairs [s]up and down[/s]; Hospital = TV, Upstairs Downstairs = TV drama.
take the lift and ride on the tail of a firework. There is a very obscure reference here, so it doesn't count.


Top of the listamundo is Jolene, first thing in the morning,
hiding the duvet stained with droplets of white Rioja,
scrumpled pillows, battered bolster, and a memory
that's [s]terribly[/s], terribly Torremolinos. Can't drop a 'terribly' without changing the meaning

I like it. That is, I dislike the voice but I like the song. It's got a zap and a zing. Very 1989. I'm not keen on the voice either.

Enjoyed, thanks.

B.

There is an underlying layer hiding in the realm of obscurity.

Pleased you enjoyed

Best

JJ

[ray miller]

they're about to transmit your favourite - would anyone actually use the word transmit rather than show?

I retire to our shadowed drawing room
to scrutinize a rerun of, "A Man For all Seasons". - scrutinize makes a long line even longer. Why not watch?
We prognosticate, wait for Thomas' death speech, - More's death speech?

The 3rd stanza has me thinking that many of its lines could be shorter, by means of enjambment.

Can't make much of the penultimate stanza.

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Ray

they're about to transmit your favourite - would anyone actually use the word transmit rather than show?... I agree and it was written tongue in cheek for the rhyme.

I retire to our shadowed drawing room
to scrutinize a rerun of, "A Man For all Seasons". - scrutinize makes a long line even longer. Why not watch? ...Because I was scrutinizing his logic. I'm thinking about 'study'
We prognosticate, wait for Thomas' death speech, - More's death speech? ...He eventually breaks his silence when found guilty, knowing the axe beckons.

The 3rd stanza has me thinking that many of its lines could be shorter, by means of enjambment. ...I'm looking at your suggestion and also considering a split.

Can't make much of the penultimate stanza. ...Bit of a lark really. The speaker considers the potential for adventure now that retirement is a reality, yet the predictable looms for this disillusioned soul.

There are a number of direct and indirect references to film, literature, TV and music throughout as an underlying frame and theme. Probably not apparent but they are there.

Best

JJ

[Macavity]

hi JJ,
I can't say I was engaged with the 'fun' because the referencing does not interest me ie the disinterest is more me than the fault of the poet/poem. However, these two lines I loved for their reflection on the observed and observers:

Our neighbours peep through cracks in the fence
to assess the importance of gardens for the retired.

all the best

mac

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, mac

No problem at all. The referencing is there for a reason but if it isn't clear then it's definitely my fault.
I'd hoped the title would be enough; it would seem not. There's a touch of delusionalism going on here.

I have read the Druids' Prayer because it seemed like a catchy title. Oh dear.

There are no pixies in our garden and my name is not Ivanhoe. You will find 'John' on my birth cert though.
I have no wagons but might buy a few. (not really)

I did weigh Thomas More's position, remaining unconvinced about the effectiveness of his stance. Might change my mind.

Red hot chili pepper sauce was a reference to the band, we don't have a honeysuckle (not a live one). and we are gazeboless.

We do like wine, don't have any bone china and the blue lagoon is the kitchen sink.

There's no dishwasher in this house, no walk in fridge or anything out of the ordinary. We do have two fridges, does that count?

The world is our oyster and yet Spain looms. No exciting ride on fireworks, only pipedreams. I thought about more imagery and
I'm still thinkin'.

I've never met Jolene or Dolly Parton; I do like the song though. I was listening to 'Jolene' on the car radio when this poem came to me.
Wish it hadn't now.

In short, it actually represents the mundane, with daydreams and wild notions replacing drudgery and predictability.
I'm quite happy with retirement and all it brings/allows; Di is twitchy and feels the need to work. She started a new job Monday gone
and already has a new spring in her step.

There are many references throughout this piece that are supposed to earn their places by highlighting how we often grasp
at straws to amuse and delude ourselves.

I know it's a stretch and my aim was to provide a background of silliness to further emphasise the tedium.

There's work required, I can see that, so I'll tentatively revise.

Pleased you liked those lines btw.

Best

JJ

[Arian]

Very good JJ, made me smile more than once, even if I didn't pick up on all the references.

I particularly liked s2, though - perversely - it contained the bit that jarred most for me (tis a good bet - sounded contrived, out of synch with the rest).

But I like it.

Cheers
peter

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Peter

Pleased you enjoyed and delighted you picked up on some of the references.

I'm looking at 'tis a good bet'. I remembered the joke about a man who bet on the black horses in Ben Hur's epic chariot race
between Juda and Messala. He thought Messala was bound to win sooner or later, he'd watched it five times.
Similarly, Thomas was never going to renounce his alignment with God's representative on Earth. The Pope was
considered infallible and Henry's whims were, in Thomas' opinion, of little or no consequence. Well, he lost his head and the Church
of England was born. Thomas was, of course, canonised as a martyr in 1935, a curious date. As always there's more to it than that. (no pun intended)

Anyway, I'll certainly consider your observation during further revisions.

Best

JJ

[Arian]

He thought Messala was bound to win sooner or later, he'd watched it five times.

Ah. I see. Amusing. Perhaps a bit obscure, though. And I think my objection wasn't so much about the idea, as its phrasing. It just sounded a bit rustic/vernacular to me, not quite in the vein of the rest.

I don't think the piece would suffer from its loss.

Cheers
peter

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks again, Peter

I see what you mean. I could save the idea for another poem perhaps, because I wasn't really referencing the joke; it just came to mind.
I think you're right, the poem wouldn't suffer for its loss. I'll revise accordingly.

Best

JJ

[blackpanther]

the title had me thinking of "Jolene by The White Stripes" --- but that song is all about love and potential loss.

but then all the other referencing was in there which threw me sumwhat. glad i read the other comments though for an explanation as to what was going on

I wouldn't have thought to put them altogether in one piece though and maybe the title ought to be changed to reflect this.

donna

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Donna

Yes, accessibility could be a problem, and for that reason the title is on my mind. I'm also considering one or two other changes
but I don't want to revise the silliness out of the poem. I'm thinkin' on it.

Best

JJ