secluded darkness

[blackpanther]

the bridge spanned the deep waters
running quickly below the vast darkness
the eerily quiet surroundings
interspersed with violent screams

the church bell swinging to and fro
silenced only by the fluid motion below
black and consuming loss of life
there's a lot to be said for the afterlife

the waves on the water creating a fuss
now burying the old school bus
its debris scattered far and wide
nowhere anymore for anything to hide

the sun disappeared over horizons black
filled with smoke from chimney stacks
till some future time
when the level of the water drops below the line

donna

i wrote this in a creative writing class last week - not sure about the title but am wondering if it stands on its own without the picture that was passed round.

[ablackfoot]

the description is really nice. vivid. no need for a picture.
However when you move to the second half of the poem, in the third stanza, you should expand on the scene cognitively.
By which I mean maybe add some context however dark, however poetic, for the scene.
Give it some meditation. You may want to leave considerable mystery but my opinion is that you should nonetheless make the poem turn into something more than its beginning.

[blackpanther]

I'm slightly confused by what you've said cos I thought that by having the bus with the mental imagery of death carried it on but I'd love to see your thoughts on this

Am glad that this piece stands on its own though

donna

[ray miller]

It's interesting that the most convincing verse is the first, where the rhyme is loose. It seems to take over in the remainder.

the church bell swinging to and fro
silenced only by the fluid motion below - you might lose only, it would help the rhythm
black and consuming loss of life - can loss of life be consumed?
there's a lot to be said for the afterlife - really? like what?

the waves on the water creating a fuss
now burying the old school bus - if the bus has been submerged then waves...creating a fuss is something of an understatement.
its debris scattered far and wide
nowhere anymore for anything to hide - you could phrase that better, I'm sure

the sun disappeared over horizons black - you use unnatural wording "horizons black" for the sake of the rhyme. horizons black/with smoke pouring from chimney stacks would be better
filled with smoke from chimney stacks
till some future time - bit short?
when the level of the water drops below the line

[Suzanne]

Hi donna,

I agree with ray on his suggestions and questions. Mostly about the unnatural phrasing to make the end rhyme.

On my first glance, i thought there are so many "the"s that it reads too much like a list of attribute of the photograph.

Nice to see you back,
Suzanne

[blackpanther]

Hi donna,

I agree with ray on his suggestions and questions. Mostly about the unnatural phrasing to make the end rhyme.

On my first glance, i thought there are so many "the"s that it reads too much like a list of attribute of the photograph.

Nice to see you back,
Suzanne

Hi Suzanne

just taken by surprise last time but i think that cos this piece was written "for me" rather than someone else it makes a lot of difference.

i'm going to have another crack given what Ray wrote and the questions as they were laid down

at the end of the creative writing class everyone reads out either the story or the poem that they've created and i read it out and even though all the pieces got discussed the questions as laid out by Ray weren't brought up.

thank the Lord that we have yourself and Ray

donna

[Suzanne]

Let's make a deal, donna?

Try editting this before yo put another one up?
Finish this one and then move to the next.

Of course, this is not a rule of pg.
And you can ignore me


but if you want to improve, it really comes though learning the skill of editting your own work.
For me, it is the hardest part of all so i understand if you find it hard, too.


There is a lot of material here for you to work with.
Forget the photograph now, it was the seed and this poem grew from it.
Edit what you have with the goal of letting it convey your message and stand alone on the page.

Suzanne