I return to Venice

[Suzanne]

I return to Venice

There is a little singing in the cafe
below my hotel window, a table filled
with happiness a holiday brings.
Closing my eyes, I listen to the scene,
imagine the number of days
it has repeated in my absence.

And I remember you
laughing behind glass doors,
too many beveled edges, watch
the uniformed boys by your side.
Keys passed, scuffed suitcases totter
like old men to the elevator. But you
turn and go, sequestered into memory-

never saying goodbye. And I am steered
by his heavy hand past the front desk,
driven through unmoving tourists
to a waiting gondola. There was no
summer haze on the water, the pastel
reflections of pensione towering above
no longer held magic. The boatman
was not an dancer with his long stick,
he was a weary man wanting to go home.

All the beauty of Venice had run back the hotel,
hid beneath the skirts of tables,
wrapped itself in brocade of lobby curtains,
leaned itself over your balcony view
and fused itself with my memory of you.





.

[AlanReynolds]

Nicely turned mystery in Venice, Suzanne.

Especially good image/lines: Keys passed, scuffed suitcases totter
like old men to the elevator.

Best regards,

Alan

[Suzanne]

Thank you Alan.

Suzanne

[ray miller]

Nice poem, evocative is the word, I guess.

Closing my eyes, I listen to the scene, - do you need to the scene?
imagine the number of days
it has repeated in my absence.

the uniformed boys by your side. - at this point I started wondering about Mussolini but you probably mean bellboys or something similar.

reflections of pensions towering above - perhaps pensions should be italicised?

was not an dancer with his long stick, - a dancer

All the beauty of Venice had run back to you,
hid beneath the skirts of hotel tables,
wrapped itself in brocade of lobby curtains,
leaned itself over your balcony view
and fused itself with my memory of you.

I don't really care for the repetition, to you/of you. I'd suggest

All the beauty of Venice had hidden
beneath the skirts of hotel tables

[SteveR]

Wow Suzanne. A rewarding poem to read, and yes, as mentioned, a mystery of sorts. You have woven a story that begs for completion, a sequel.

Your title hooked me: I return to Venice
That, combined with the description of the cafe holiday spirit and line, "imagine the number of days is has repeated in my absence" made me immediately want to read more. Why does she return? (I assumed a she) Apparently not for a while. Why now?

The poem alludes to watching a "you" who goes without saying goodbye, then being steered by "his heavy hand." Yes, a mystery; a story told in poetic form.

I particularly loved, "The boatman was not an dancer with his long stick, he was a weary man wanting to go home." What a great description! Also, Your last stanza is lovely.

May I suggest the Italian word "pensione" in, "the pastel reflections of pensions towering above."

An interesting read and left me wanting more.

Steve

[JJWilliamson]

Lovely, gentle and slightly melancholic. It is particularly effective when read slowly
with an edge of mild regret. Some thoughts:

I return to Venice ...Immediately piques the reader's interest.

There is a little singing in the café ...'little' could be strengthened, but I really like it. Its understated, accurate and believable. No Italian opera or wild crescendo, just a little, evocative singing.
below my hotel window, a table filled
with happiness a holiday brings.
Closing my eyes, I listen to the scene, ...I think Ray has a point.
imagine the number of days
it has repeated in my absence. ...There's that mild regret again. Interesting.

And I remember you
laughing behind glass doors,
too many beveled edges, watch ...could be a metaphor for the complexities of 'you' or the distortions of glass.
the uniformed boys by your side. ...I'd mention the boys' position/jobs EG 'porters' unless there's too many.
Keys passed, scuffed suitcases totter
like old men to the elevator. But you ...great imagery and spot on for accuracy.
turn and go, sequestered into memory- ...A hidden memory. Hidden from what, from who, I wonder.

never saying goodbye. And I am steered ...He never said goodbye. Why!
by his heavy hand past the front desk, ...There's a switch here. The 'you' and 'his' speak of conflict. They could well be two different people. That's how I'm reading it anyway.
driven through unmoving tourists
to a waiting gondola. There was no
summer haze on the water, the pastel
reflections of pensions towering above
no longer held magic. The boatman
was not an dancer with his long stick,
he was a weary man wanting to go home. ... The rest of this stanza reads very well. 'his long stick' is a great metaphor.

All the beauty of Venice had run back to you,
hid beneath the skirts of hotel tables,
wrapped itself in brocade of lobby curtains,
leaned itself over your balcony view
and fused itself with my memory of you. ...Now you're talking. This lady isn't just expressing mild regret she's returning to right a wrong, to repair her aching heart if possible. Beautiful. There is uncertainty in the air.



A very atmospheric poem indeed.

Best

JJ



.

[Suzanne]

Thank you for the replies.

Ray, i nearly always see your point to your suggestions and i am tempted to follow your lead in seconds. This is alarming! Isn't it? Lol. It is wonderful and helpful, that is for sure. Thank you.

I will put pensione in italics using yours and stever's suggestion.

I disliked the two you-s as well. But i would rather lose the second. i like the tie-in with the title.
She is retruning to Venice and Venice, to her, is the same as him.

Thank you Stever for the encouraging words. I am glad you liked it and are hooked.

JJ, thanks for the detailed reply. I am very happy you liked it.

I want to keep scene on the end of L5 because she is not just listening to the singing, she is listening to the joviality of the cafe, clinking cups, voices, chairs moving.... It adds, i think.


Thank you for these replies. I will think of that last you.


Warmly,
Suzanne

[Suzanne]

...

wanted to add that the line with the uniformed boys, didn't the reader already see the hotel scene and conclude they were porters? I thought it pretty clear. But should i change it to poters? Opinions?

[AlanReynolds]

But should i change it to poters? Opinions?

Perhaps not to 'poters'

but maybe 'porters' if that is what they were. When I read the poem I guessed they were military.