I'm fed up of trying to make this work .. .please rip into it - just leave me the skull.
Dream
Osier and alder banked the beck,
bridged carelessly by birch;
beyond, all grown with yellow broom,
an ancient path pushed through the bracken,
between the oaks,
in evening’s gloom.
A scrambling in a blackthorn thicket
made the woodsman stop to string his bow,
and smoothing down goosefeather flights,
he nocked an arrow on alert,
impatient for the deer to show.
He drew the bowstring to his lips,
loosed the ashen shaft to find a heart;
a shiver from the forest warned him,
as a sudden slowness siezed the speeding dart.
He looked beyond his target to a rise
at the antlered figure lowering a bow;
as the roebuck slowed to switch his path,
to lose his shape, to alter guise,
the woodsman, now entranced by fear,
watched his own death
with stranger’s eyes.
He was Cernunnos
now fate’s bow was shot.
Man and roebuck, god and man,
had mixed their lot.
……………………………
Cernunnos; a Celtic antlered, woodland god, later known as Herne the Hunter in English folklore.
One to tear to pieces..
hmm...I felt that the weakness was here, in the last stanza:
He was Cernunnos
now fate’s bow was shot.
Man and roebuck, god and man,
had mixed their lot.
seems too, "The Odyssey/Lord of the Rings knock-off."
Before that though, I followed quite well.
Does this help any??
- Caleb
He was Cernunnos
now fate’s bow was shot.
Man and roebuck, god and man,
had mixed their lot.
seems too, "The Odyssey/Lord of the Rings knock-off."
Before that though, I followed quite well.
Does this help any??
- Caleb
-
twoleftfeet
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Barrie,
I am not quite sure what is happening there at the end, especially
now that I've Googled "Herne", and I don't understand the connection with "fate".
Having said that, the poem is atmospheric and races along to its finale.
Maybe you could drop the God's name somehow into the penultimate
stanza and lose the final stanza altogether. After all,
"watched his own death with stranger's eyes"
is a fine exit line.
Spin it or bin it (I know it's naff but Arco has patented "Use it or Lose it")
Geoff
I am not quite sure what is happening there at the end, especially
now that I've Googled "Herne", and I don't understand the connection with "fate".
Having said that, the poem is atmospheric and races along to its finale.
Maybe you could drop the God's name somehow into the penultimate
stanza and lose the final stanza altogether. After all,
"watched his own death with stranger's eyes"
is a fine exit line.
Spin it or bin it (I know it's naff but Arco has patented "Use it or Lose it")
Geoff
Hi Barrie,
I didn't feel this was a patch on any of your best that I've read here. This is probably largely because I don't get it, but I felt that the subject matter was hampering you, you know what I mean? I felt like the ancient folklore idea was leading you to a few cliched descriptions.
My favourite stanza was the penultimate.
Rachel
I didn't feel this was a patch on any of your best that I've read here. This is probably largely because I don't get it, but I felt that the subject matter was hampering you, you know what I mean? I felt like the ancient folklore idea was leading you to a few cliched descriptions.
My favourite stanza was the penultimate.
Rachel
Thanks everyone for your replies.
The poem was about the end of the reign of the priest-king in whom the God Cernunnos was supposed to reside. He was killed by his successor who then became the vessel for the god. In time, the priest-king's position went unchalleged and animals were sacrificied in his stead. The last verse was a clumsy attempt to dramatise the transitional stage, a sacrifice of both man and animal.
It was entitled 'Dream' because, many years ago, I actually dreamt it.
Many thanks
cheers all.
Barrie
The poem was about the end of the reign of the priest-king in whom the God Cernunnos was supposed to reside. He was killed by his successor who then became the vessel for the god. In time, the priest-king's position went unchalleged and animals were sacrificied in his stead. The last verse was a clumsy attempt to dramatise the transitional stage, a sacrifice of both man and animal.
It was entitled 'Dream' because, many years ago, I actually dreamt it.
Many thanks
cheers all.
Barrie
I know you are not happy with this so may I offer you my humble opinion?......................
Im afraid I disagree with Geoff. It seems to me one thing that is missing here is 'atmosphere'. I presume you have concentrated so much on the folklore, you have failed to create the tension this poem needs. Probably because of a lack of, or inadequate, scenic description.
For instance, the only allusion to sound is 'scrambling'....I think the silence, solitude of the piece could be improved by more sensual references, put the reader in the wood with the bowman, or at your side as you witness it.
Its a good subject and everything takes place in a very short period of time. Worth capturing. Smells, sounds or lack of etc
Sorry I cant offer any examples or alternatives but it aint my poem, thats your responsibility.
Just feels a bit detatched, and not because of the ancient references.
Minstrel
Im afraid I disagree with Geoff. It seems to me one thing that is missing here is 'atmosphere'. I presume you have concentrated so much on the folklore, you have failed to create the tension this poem needs. Probably because of a lack of, or inadequate, scenic description.
For instance, the only allusion to sound is 'scrambling'....I think the silence, solitude of the piece could be improved by more sensual references, put the reader in the wood with the bowman, or at your side as you witness it.
Its a good subject and everything takes place in a very short period of time. Worth capturing. Smells, sounds or lack of etc
Sorry I cant offer any examples or alternatives but it aint my poem, thats your responsibility.
Just feels a bit detatched, and not because of the ancient references.
Minstrel
Thanks Khansaa, Dave.
It does need form, which one I don't know. I've tried experimenting with englyn - I think maybe alchemy's simpler.
Point taken Dave - I've described a location without setting the scene, or giving any real atmosphere - and it doesn't touch all the senses. You're right!
You've given me much to go at here - 'twill be a challenge. I'll have another go at the englyn form, and maybe in four or five years......
many thanks
Barrie
It does need form, which one I don't know. I've tried experimenting with englyn - I think maybe alchemy's simpler.
Point taken Dave - I've described a location without setting the scene, or giving any real atmosphere - and it doesn't touch all the senses. You're right!
You've given me much to go at here - 'twill be a challenge. I'll have another go at the englyn form, and maybe in four or five years......
many thanks
Barrie