Last Leaf (was Resolution)

[1lankest]

Revision

The final leaf soon to fall
from the loquat tree
clings from the tip
of the gangliest branch,
inches from the grass.

Even now –
the first frost thawed,
damsons withered or gathered up –
it lingers as it must.

Original

The final leaf to fall
from the loquat tree
is always the same:
it clings from the tip
of the southern-most
branch. Even now -
the first frost thawed,
damsons withered,
gathered up - it flutters
in the merest gale.

[David Smedley]

Hiya Luke, if the piece is a metaphor then the metaphor eludes me.

If taken literally then I cannot see anything but a leaf hanging from a branch, which doesn't engage me at all.

Is the final leaf always the same one?

Why is "southern-most" important? It's not as if a layman looking at the branch would have a clue in what direction the branch pointed. Is it to imply winter comes from the north? If so, so what?

"Gathered up" in what? If you mean the "gale" has "gathered" it up then it is superfluous.

"Gale" is too strong a word for what is being said here, " breeze" would be more apt.

Even now -
the first frost thawed,
damsons withered,
gathered up - it flutters
in the merest gale.

The above reads awkwardly (for me).

Hope some of this helps.

[David]

It must be exotic. Mrs D has never heard of it.

It does seem to be a metaphor, one which is telegraphed - perhaps too much? - by the title. A bit more about the tree itself, rather than just the metaphor, might be good. I do like the story about the leaf, but I have to agree with David S that "merest" and "gale" don't seem to go together. Unless they're a wilful oxymoron? I would have to think about that a little more.

Cheers

David

[bodkin]

I didn't take this as a metaphor, but just a literal observation of what the tree does each year. As that I found it quite engaging. It's a small piece on a simple subject, so there's a limit to how much fireworks could ever feature, but for what it is I quite enjoyed it.

One quibble: can a gale ever be "mere"?

Ian

[Macavity]

hi Luke

Perhaps you could end on flutters. I think the poem would benefit without the signpost title. I think simplicity will be its strength.

cheers

mac

[1lankest]

Hi all,

Thanks a lot for your feedback.

David S - cheers, fair comments. I had intended a metaphor to come through but perhaps it is too contrived in the context of such a simple poem. I hope you find my edit an improvement. I agree about merest, but I add intended it as an oxymoron (as David suggests). It doesn't (quite) work.

David, it is exotic but for some reason there is one in the grounds of the school where I work - it has an interesting plum like fruit, albeit with toxic seeds.

Ian, thanks, nice to have some positives. Your feedback encouraged me to work on a revision.

Cheers Mac, I've gone with simplicity.

[bodkin]

Hmm, are you saying enough about the leaf now?

Ian

[Macavity]

I prefer the symmetry and tone of the original Luke. The revised conclusion is too messaged in my opinion. The charm for me is for the reader to draw a conclusion - more oriental than occidental as it were.

cheers

mac

[B00295798]

Hi, first critique on here

I prefer your original - it reads like shifty haikus, and with a little edit/typography i think you could easily make it a sequence of haikus that could be read in any order - it would give an unusual edge and play to a simple idea.

[Jackie]

Hi Luke,

I love this:

tip
of the gangliest branch,
inches from the grass.

I like the immediacy of your observations about the leaf, and there's a kind of wicked boldness about thatgangliest branch!

In my view, when you move to the habitual, you take the magic away from that intimacy: soon to fall, as it must, is always the same, etc. But I do realise that may be the point of your poem.

Enjoyed!
Jackie

[Richard]

You could lose, "soon to fall" as it's implied I think. I didn't like, "gangliest" it prompted a real howl of this is not a word that should ever be written down from my inner editor. Otherwise, this is a pretty poem.