What is left
Now
Of I?
A wild eyed banshee,
Screaming
And
Spitting
The selfish syllable 'I'
Through yellow
Splintered
Teeth
And rancid bleeding gums
All static -
Al noise -
All
Hatred?
This is NOT I
(this was never I)...
I am her ladyship
In a silk dress
And I confer with wisdom
In a high and cloudless place
I was born to rule this life,
This 'I',
And command for it
Purity
And silver stones of truth -
Woven
Into artefacts
Of simple
Searing
Light.
I
AM
And I will not be
Deceived.
Untitled
-
JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Enjoyed this one, B00.
You held my interest all the way through by neatly tucking some fine imagery into the mix.
I would have preferred to see a title (I like titles) and couldn't decide if you were deliberately
leaving this poem 'untitled' because you hadn't got round to it yet, OR, if it was part of the illusion.
Some in line thoughts for your perusal:
I'm not keen on the cap's at the head of every line and can't really see what purpose they serve.
This reminded me of a poem I posted a few months ago, "Beautiful Me".
Enjoyed the read, B00.
Best
JJ
You held my interest all the way through by neatly tucking some fine imagery into the mix.
I would have preferred to see a title (I like titles) and couldn't decide if you were deliberately
leaving this poem 'untitled' because you hadn't got round to it yet, OR, if it was part of the illusion.
Some in line thoughts for your perusal:
I'm not keen on the cap's at the head of every line and can't really see what purpose they serve.
I can't decide if more imagery would be beneficial, given that I'm getting the general thrust of the poem anyway. So, I won't mention it.B00295798 wrote:What is left
Now
Of I? ...Interesting opening question. Effective hook.
A wild eyed banshee, ...Seems a tad hackneyed. I know what you're going for but it reads as a cliché. Minor point.
Screaming
And
Spitting
The selfish syllable 'I' ...Great
Through yellow
Splintered ...Curious word.
Teeth
And rancid bleeding gums ...Powerful image. 'rancid' and 'bleeding' go very well together. Possibly a bit expected.
All static -)
Al noise - )...Not sure what's happening with these three lines, but I like them. Is that a typo on 'Al' ?
All)
Hatred?
This is NOT I ...Like the cap's on 'not'.
(this was never I)...
I am her ladyship
In a silk dress ...Very good. Concise and evocative.
And I confer with wisdom
In a high and cloudless place
I was born to rule this life,
This 'I',
And command for it
Purity
And silver stones of truth - ...Love this and the preceding lines.
Woven
Into artefacts
Of simple
Searing
Light. ...The contrast between 'simple' and 'searing' works for the tone of this piece.
I
AM
And I will not be
Deceived. ...Love the close. Made me smile.
This reminded me of a poem I posted a few months ago, "Beautiful Me".
Enjoyed the read, B00.
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
Hi,
Thanks muchly for the comments, it's untitled cause I've not gotten there yet, I'm struggling to find something simple. ... and the 'al' is a typo I thought about stretching the imagery but I'm not sure I could rewrite with the same tone, it was written at quite an emotional time and I don't want to weaken what is says already with splicing more in :s
Thanks muchly for the comments, it's untitled cause I've not gotten there yet, I'm struggling to find something simple. ... and the 'al' is a typo
I thought about stretching the imagery but I'm not sure I could rewrite with the same tone, it was written at quite an emotional time and I don't want to weaken what is says already with splicing more in :s-
ray miller
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Hello B. Not sure the opening question gets a satisfactory answer, perhaps that's the point.
The selfish syllable 'I' - maybe "I" could be omitted and we'd work it out ourselves.
Unless you're being ironic I'd question the use of artefacts.
The selfish syllable 'I' - maybe "I" could be omitted and we'd work it out ourselves.
Unless you're being ironic I'd question the use of artefacts.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
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ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I just thought that Purity, silver stones of truth and simple Searing Light sounded rather too grand to be associated with artefacts, but maybe I'm being too hard on artefacts.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I like this up until 'Hatred'. I feel it loses its rhythm and thrust after this point. However, I do like the silk dress image that comes after this.
I think the first half of the poem has more thrust because of the choppier and shorter lines. The long lines in the first half carry more power because there isn't many of them. Maybe you could somehow adopt this more in the second part of the poem by losing some of the longer lines. (only an idea mind you).
I did enjoy this.
Best,
Tristan
I think the first half of the poem has more thrust because of the choppier and shorter lines. The long lines in the first half carry more power because there isn't many of them. Maybe you could somehow adopt this more in the second part of the poem by losing some of the longer lines. (only an idea mind you).
I did enjoy this.
Best,
Tristan
powerful and disturbing, particularly appreciated the imagery of the lines from silk dress onward, a very Yeatsian touch. Perhaps the poem shd remain untitled, unless I am wrong in perceiving an unresolved irony in the ending.
regards, c.
regards, c.
Thanks for all the comments. I think I'll have a look at the structure and see if I can keep the power all the way through. I'm glad it's been effective - I might work on the existing imagery, and see if I can answer the question aet at the beginning. To be honeat I didn't even think before about whether the poem answered it....