Us

[Antcliff]

Kettles freeze the water.
Fridges boil the ice.
Diamonds are blunted by cheese.
Novels are written by lice.
You and I will eventually marry.

Water dries the beaches.
Sweets no longer entice.
Novels are written by novels,
Lions are eaten by mice.
You and I will eventually marry.

You and I will eventually marry,
you and I will be happy on rice,
you and I will love one another,
you and I will be ever so nice.

[Ros]

Bit of a long shot, eh?

works well though I'm less sure about the last line - does it break the rhythm? I wonder if there's a stronger term than nice (though it's being used sarcastically?)

Ros

[Antcliff]

Thanks, Ros

Will ponder over alternatives to "nice" that still fit the rhyme.

[TonyMac]

Just a suggestion along the lines you are considering

You and I will eventually marry,
you and I will be husband and wife,
you and I will love one another,
you and I will be partners for life.

[Antcliff]

Greetings, Tony.

Thanks for the suggestion

Seth

[David]

I really like it. It has a lovely nursery rhyme quality. It's like the Owl and the Pussycat getting through a slightly sticky phase in their relationship.

Cheers

David

[lorijones]

For me this is an enjoyable poem but you set the theme adequately in the first verse and the second adds nothing to that therefore to me seems superfluous unless you can extend the theme with a subtle variation . I also get a sense that the whole line that includes "rice" looks contrived to assist the final rhyme.

[Antcliff]

Thanks for calling by and for your suggestions LoriJones. And welcome to PG.

[Arian]

Yes, David's right. It has a Learish quality that's rather endearing. It also makes it's point with clever irony.

I thought the same thing as Ros about the last line. Doesn't quite scan, somehow.

Cheers
Peter

[Antcliff]

Thanks, Peter.

Good to see you about!

Seth

[B00295798]

I think 'rice' sounding like it's been stuck in for the rhyme is great, it adds to the nonsense of the piece. I'm not sure about the diamonds and cheese line, and should the fridge be freezer :$?

[Katherine]

This is funny and I like it.

Water dries the beaches.
Sweets no longer entice.
Novels are written by novels, .............. Could you try for something different here? You've already mentioned that novels are written by lice.
Lions are eaten by mice.
You and I will eventually marry.

I hope you'll just live (unmarried) happily ever after! x

[JJWilliamson]

I saw this as an ironic poem, Seth

Kettles don't boil ice. Something is out of kilter so the chances of you marrying and being ever so nice to each other are remote.
That's the humour of it, I think. So, in spite of all the odds you actually married, with civility ruling the roost at all times.
This is retrospective teasing methinks. What do really say, and how do you say it, when you're hungry and very tired. "Ever so nice things"

I'm not sure the meter's a problem.
I scanned it as largely anapaestic with some iambs lobbed into the pot.
The refrain is essentially written in triple meter. The meter could be tightened, and if I'm honest,
I'd probably write it in triple meter all the way through. "Miss Joan Hunter Dunn" style. BUT, that's simply down
to personal preference.

Enjoyed the read

Best

Bri

[Antcliff]

Thanks Boo

I think 'rice' sounding like it's been stuck in for the rhyme is great, it adds to the nonsense of the piece. I'm not sure about the diamonds and cheese line, and should the fridge be freezer :$?

A freezer would do a quicker job of not doing it, no doubt. Perhaps there are things even less likely to blunt diamonds. I have had some hard cheese in my time.

Thanks JJ

I saw this as an ironic poem, Seth

Yes, you have it. The probability of marriage was intended to go with the other rather improbable things. Civility, ha!, yes...I am glad that came through.

Thanks Katherine

I hope you'll just live (unmarried) happily ever after! x

I will try.

Novels are written by novels, .............. Could you try for something different here? You've already mentioned that novels are written by lice.

Might be right, yes. I suppose I was trying to heap absurdity on absurdity, with the novels written by lice in turn taking up the pen.


Thanks again
Me