The First

[B00295798]

I am here
In this
Wilderness,
A
Transient
Virgin,
Full
Of the
Unknown.
Am
Alien
Within
Myself
And an
Experience
Waiting
To happen...
In
The
Corner
Of
A
Self
Unexplored -
A
Desert
Of
Pure
Possibility.
I
Do
Not
Even
Know
I
Am
Here
Until
I
Find
A
Reflection,
An
Implication
Of
Expression,
A
Sign
That
I
Am
Pushing
Out
And
Forwards
And
Beyond,
Always
Into
Something
New.

[B00295798]

....the Am before alien should be An.... the formatting of the written version is in four columns of 10-14 lines. I tend to feel that some words need a line of their own but I'm not sure it works too well with parts of this.

[Ros]

What's the purpose of having 4 columns?

I'm afraid for me this is far too full of abstractions to mean anything much - possibility, wilderness, unknown, something new. I'm not getting a feel of an individual. What is a desert of pure possibility? I don't know what that means.

Ros

[B00295798]

It's just typography, no real intention, just the way it was written. The piece was written one night after coming out of a quite serious depression, and finding that I was in myself for the first time, and that I hardly knew who I was or where I could go, and that for the first time I could choose anything - things were vast and empty, but a void to be filled opposed to negative space. It's a first go and it needs work, but if it makes no sense at all it all needs rethought!

[David]

I don't think you're doing yourself any favours with this long attenuated column of words. Here are the first 9 (or is it 10?) "lines" formatted differently ...

I am here In this Wilderness,
A Transient Virgin,
Full Of the Unknown.

Am Alien Within Myself
And an Experience
Waiting To happen...

In The Corner Of
A Self Unexplored -
A Desert Of Pure Possibility.

So, what's wrong with that? From a formatting point of view, at least. It seems much easier to read like that.

No?

Cheers

David

[lorijones]

Thank you. You prove my point perfectly. Pretentious, shallow and you can't even validate your ridiculous choice of format. It's so lacking in content and meaning it, just pure nonsense. Doesn't communicate beacause their isn't anything of substance worth the writing.

[Ros]

It's just typography, no real intention, just the way it was written. The piece was written one night after coming out of a quite serious depression, and finding that I was in myself for the first time, and that I hardly knew who I was or where I could go, and that for the first time I could choose anything - things were vast and empty, but a void to be filled opposed to negative space. It's a first go and it needs work, but if it makes no sense at all it all needs rethought!

I think if you could add those specifics - the feeling of head rising above the water, the opening out of choice - perhaps use a physical image of paths, or solid ground - it would become more personal, more specific to the narrator, and in doing that become more real to the reader.

Ros

[B00295798]

David - yes, the formatting is up for debate, it's only written like this because that's how I usuallly write but yes, this piece is too disjointed the way it is. I think making it easier to read is a definite change.

Ros - yep and yep, it was a kind of cleansing write first off, notes, if you will, and it is very abstract - exactly how it felt at the time! But to accurately portray the whole notion to the reader it needs to be set more solidly.

Lori Jones, please only respond to my writing if you're going to be constructive. Your comments are verging on abusive and I don't appreciate it. I'm sure you wouldn't either.

[bodkin]

Hi,

Of the typography I cannot really speak. Personally I find "funky formatting" a barrier to getting into a poem, however narrow columns aren't as funky as all that.

They are hard to read, however. To some extent a poem is a process, where the reader moves faster or more slowly over different parts. A really accomplished poet controls the speed of flow with line length, word length, strophe breaks, etc... (I don't count myself in that distinguished company.) Vertical columns have an extremely slow and choppy rhythm. I can see it for part of a poem, or even a whole poem if the whole needs to be slow and choppy, but I wouldn't recommend writing this way all the time...

For this, specifically I can see how you might want it very slow. these are the halting steps back into "normal" life. Note however that I only worked that out because you said it in a comment. The poem itself didn't succeed in telling me that -- the poem needs to live unexplained if it is going to be a fully functional.

--

So, mostly what Ros said.

Abstractions are great things to explore in a poem, but also the very hardest things to do well. So yes, if you can lay out the situation that prompts these thoughts as well as the thoughts themselves, and/or express the abstractions such as "vastness", "virgin territory" and "too many possibilities" without naming them directly -- then that would move this in a good direction.

I think you are already toying with something of a good approach. e.g. you've got that desert, a perfect metaphor for vastness and virgin territory, you just need to use the metaphor without also naming the abstractions.

Another area that could work would be to have the character speak (note that there is a character, even when it is "I"). Thus "I do not even know" -- having that naked in the poem is the author addressing the reader and very abstract (it's not a thing, it's the author talking about a thing). If you put that in the mouth of a character then it becomes an action the character performs which indicates their inner state... Of course, a non-vocal action can be stronger still but that's a choice to make for each particular poem.

HTH

Ian

[JJWilliamson]

Hi Boo

This poem has distinct possibilities. When you consider that 25% of the population
will suffer from depression or other mental illnesses it screams to be done well.
The biggest problem, for me, is not the content but the format. I just tried reading it
out loud and it was a stop start experience that frustrated the bejaysus out of me.

I tend to concur with the other commentators, in respect of concrete imagery
and abstractions. More of one and less of the other would drag the reader into the heart of this poem.

Good luck with your revisions,

Best

JJ

[Arian]

Pretentious, shallow and you can't even validate your ridiculous choice of format. It's so lacking in content and meaning it, just pure nonsense. Doesn't communicate beacause their isn't anything of substance worth the writing.

That's a bit OTT, isn't it? Poetry is (partly, anyway) about playing with form. OK, so this might not have worked especially well, but that kind of remark is hardly helpful.

That said, I can't help feeling that the format does tend to encourage scepticism. Hard to see its value - especially in the light of David's re-format, which shows the piece in a different, and much better, light.

Worth re-thinking.

Cheers
peter