Jane's ducks

[Marc]

Who knows how many ducks Jane has now?
You might say they're a moveable feast.
She started attracting waterfowl
when her husband flew off to the East.
She enlarged the pond, widened the leat
and wild Mallards were soon crashing in
disconcerting the tremulous coots.
Now she has Muscovies, Teal, Mandarins

and a woodcutter dwarf who chanced by.
each day he clambers up in his truck
with stepladders, chainsaw and dogs.

The ducks at dusk sing Jane lullabies:
a quackophany praising their luck,
while Shorty whistles and hurls down logs.

[Pauline]

Who knows how many ducks Jane has now?
You might say they're a moveable feast.
She started attracting waterfowl
when her husband flew off to the East. First four lines are fab. great rhythm, and rhyme.
She enlarged the pond, widened the leat
and wild Mallards were soon crashing in Again, keeping with the flow
disconcerting the tremulous coots.
Now she has Muscovies, Teal, Mandarins Hmmmm. Goes a little astray here to my ear,

and a woodcutter dwarf who chanced by.
each day he clambers up in his truck
with stepladders, chainsaw and dogs.

The ducks at dusk sing Jane lullabies:
a quackophany praising their luck,
while Shorty whistles and hurls down logs.

I see the rhyme but don't hear the rhythm.
Counting the syllables but it just doesn't sound right.
Sorry Marc, but this just doesn't work for me.
Hey, I ain't no expert in this field
but it just doesn't sing to me.
Sorry.
I don't wish to sound so negative.
Hmmmm. Wish I could express myself better.

[bodkin]

"woodcutter dwarf" is throwing me a little, I think it is literal but it is such an abrupt diversion from the list of ducks I'm uncertain...

Also not quite sure what role he plays, he's maintaining the trees around the pond, I assume. I assume also that's with Jane's acquiescence, but the fact that he "chanced by" and does it at dusk sits oddly.

I think I could enjoy the ducks, but the woodcutter is a step too unexplained.

Ian

[Marc]

Thanks - yes I can see your points, it's not quite working as it is.

It's actually a description of my near neighbours (sshh...) - the woodcutter goes off in his truck each day and comes back with a load of logs which he stores for fulfilling orders - as is a woodcutter's modus operandii... however it is a jump from the ducks. I was aware of that and thought the surprise introduction of the woodcutter dwarf would make it more interesting and give it a fairy tale quality, but perhaps it's a step too far...

Thanks for looking though

Marc

[bodkin]

Thanks - yes I can see your points, it's not quite working as it is.

It's actually a description of my near neighbours (sshh...) - the woodcutter goes off in his truck each day and comes back with a load of logs which he stores for fulfilling orders - as is a woodcutter's modus operandii... however it is a jump from the ducks. I was aware of that and thought the surprise introduction of the woodcutter dwarf would make it more interesting and give it a fairy tale quality, but perhaps it's a step too far...

Not a step too far, I'm sure it could work. It just needs a touch more set-up.

The fact that the woodcutter lives with Jane raises a slew of interesting angles...

Ian

[JJWilliamson]

The 'woodcutter dwarf' also threw me. It was the 'dwarf' that had me flying in all directions, from Disney to Grimm to a circus clown. I enjoyed the poem and will come back to it to offer further comments but I think the 'dwarf' needs rethinking. Is his height the only noticeable feature? I doubt he'll be fat if he's lumberjacking. Is he ugly, sweaty, dirty etc. Anything would do, so long as it's clear you don't like him. It reads like you don't think much of him btw.

The relationship between the woodcutter and Jane isn't clear. Her husband has flown overseas.

Best

JJ

[David]

Darn it. I'm just a face in the crowd. I too think it's great for the first 8 lines, then the dwarf woodcutter throws me completely. There could be two good poems in here, though.

Cheers

David

[k-j]

I assumed the "woodcutter dwarf" was a species of duck.

Really enjoyed it but agree with the others that you can't just introduce this guy in line 9 and give him three lines. Either you make it longer and give him a proper role, or it's just about Jane and her ducks.

"Quackophany" is good!

I'd consider taking out a subscription to Jane's Ducks.

[Marc]

Thanks David and K-J

Yes, I'm not sure the whole poem doesn't just exist for the quackophany gag!

Ok, I'll send the Woodcutter Dwarf back to his cave in the mountains and concentrate on my upcoming periodical Jane's Ducks...

Thanks

Marc

[B00295798]

I think it's great, and the randomness of the treecutter is a great interjection to the normality of theducks, although having many ducks isn't really normal at all, which makes the treecutter fit right into the scene.... not that normal is a thing.... I know that I'm not analysing this piece, vut truly I thought it was great as it is, just my kind of weird, but distinctly beautiful picture.

[Marc]

Thank you B (if I may call you that).

My original thought was that it was good to have the odd juxtaposition - the weirdness introduced a fairy tale quality...

Cheers
Marc