The wheel of life

[Firebird]

The problem's this:
mine are the feet that turn the weight
beneath the potter's wheel,
believing that without it
my clay would cease to smoothly turn
and make the form I so desire.

[JJWilliamson]

Liked it, Tristan

The wheel of life isn't particularly fresh but I like your metaphor of the potter's wheel. It provides a super image.
I think you could trim this piece without losing your metaphor.

EG only:

Mine are the feet that push the weight ...You use 'turn' twice. Not sure you need to.
beneath the potter's wheel,
believing that without it ...possibly them, depending if it's the weight or the feet that turn the wheel.
my clay would cease to turn.

I think you could line break something like this:

Mine are the feet
that push the weight
beneath the potter's wheel,
believing that without it
my clay
would cease to turn. ...Looks like part of a shallow goblet.

The problem's this:
mine are the feet that turn the weight
beneath the potter's wheel,
believing that without it
my clay would cease to smoothly turn
and make the form I so desire.

This poem will resonate with a number of people. It did with me.

Enjoyed

Best

JJ

[HenryBones]

Hi Tristan,

I think you're on the right track but there's something slightly amiss. I really liked the first three lines, which are beautifully paced (though I second JJ's recommendation for changing the line breaks) but then I stumble after that. I think there's an issue with syntax in line four - which, as I (possibly mistakenly) read it, has your feet doing the believing - could you include an extra clause, 'and mine is the mind / that thinks the clay will...', or something, for the sake of clarity? I'd also ditch the 'so' in the last line which to me sounds slightly cold and impersonal, and works against, rather than with, 'desire'

Sorry if that's a little OTT!

Thanks for the read

[Antcliff]

Greetings

I was slightly distracted by the inversion here..

mine are the feet

I realise it is "heightened speech" and the narrator is looking to stress the fact and not merely state that it is their feet...but it still feels a little archaic maybe?

Gary Lineker: Who scored the goal?
Striker: Mine are the feet that scored the goal.

But I may be wrong.


Seth

[bodkin]

Hi Tristan,

Sorry, I see what you are saying but I do not know why...

Why is this a problem? Surely if you want to form the clay you have to turn the wheel and this is just normal and expected?

Is it all a metaphor for something far more arduous? If so then I don't know what and in a generic sense the problem may be that the forming of the clay sounds too much like something you would want, to really relate to some activity you're trying to avoid.

Sorry, I'm lost so I can't really judge in any other way,

Ian