Still Life

[HenryBones]

Still Life

Three score and ten.
Two point four children. Truths
universally acknowledged. For though
he has lost an inch or two, a tooth

or two, and though his hair has thinned
to a pair of white tufts pinned
behind each ear,
its slow retreat ceding the bulk

of his freckled scalp
to the hard-wearing January rain,
you can still hear
in his sputtering, throaty sketches

of domestic quibbles –
about the state of the lawn or whose
turn it is to do the dishes –
the man and wife they used to be

thirty years before,
when she would fuss over his uniform
as he paraded down
the Medina’s richest bazaars

trading whiskey and cigars
for local stamps
like a schoolboy trying to swap
his cigarette cards,

no less a centre of attention
then than he is now,
dripping black as he gently nurses
her body into the ground.

[bodkin]

Hmm, lost at the end I am afraid...

Initially I found this far too much for one, highly parenthetical, sentence.

Then I don't know what uniform it is...

Then I didn't know what "the Medina" is? However, although I got distracted by the city in Saudi Arabia, I worked it out. You're talking about the old quarter of some North African city, Marrakesh?

None of that necessarily has to be a problem, but the "black" and the body seem to be the crux of this... and I have no idea what the former is, or who the latter is (wife) or why she's dead. Old age?

Sorry, I need more exposition.

Ian

[Ros]

I think I get it - it's someone who used to be well thought of (or thought he was) when strutting in Medina's bazaars. Now he's 'dripping black' because he's wearing black clothing at his wife's funeral.
Not sure the first verse helps in getting us to the drama fast enough - I'm not getting a very clear image until v3.

Ros

[MikeAcker]

I like this very much.
Having said that I am usually distracted by incomplete sentences. I am glad I continued on past the first few sentences.
Having read it a few times, I felt the authenticity of the theme. I like poems I believe.
I'm not sure "dripping black" really works. It jarred the ending a bit.
I will come back to this.

[k-j]

I like multi-stanza sentences and this poem is a fine example.

I am not sure why you open with the two numerical saws. It is really a simple portrait of the old fellow and after the first three lines I was expecting it to be something else.

There are some nice rhymes, especially "cigars/bazaars" but I'm slightly disappointed you didn't try to make the rhyme a bit more regular. Not overwhelming, could just be just one rhyme every stanza or two. But after "truths/tooth", "thinned/pinned" and "ear/hear" (not a fan of that one) it feels like you just give up on the rhyme.

The actual writing is very good, I especially like the phrasing in lines 8-10. I think the last verse works very well.

Title perhaps a tad trite.

[HenryBones]

Thanks for the comment everyone. I was wondering about the title too - I'm toying with the idea of changing it to 'Eulogy', which might offer a little exposition and also situate the clichés of the first two lines, which I'm keen to keep because I like the idea of working down from surface banalities into a more rounded portrait of a life. Any thoughts?

Thanks again for reading

[Antcliff]

I'm toying with the idea of changing it to 'Eulogy'

Hmm. Wouldn't that make the poem rather downbeat from the start? Would it do less of a job in drawing the reader to it?

Seth