Sewing Box

[AshleyD]

Sewing Box

The soft velvet cushion
housed five steel needles.
Each pointed in angularly

for their threads
would stretch taut
until the lid resealed.

Before the needles, exactly
perfect circles of felt tip
dented the smooth red floor.

The tip, although naked
lay blotching deep in a silver
thimble, awaiting a stained fingernail.

--------------------

I'd appreciate any suggestions - thanks.

[camus]

I'd say purely descriptive poems are so much harder to crit than poems that allude, or use poetic devices such as metaphor etc etc.

The only aspect to critique here is the description, which is excellent.

Particularly enjoyed the observational detail here:

Each pointed in angularly

for their threads
would stretch taut
until the lid resealed.

MMMMMMMMMmmm all that said you include a humane element in your final line:

awaiting a stained fingernail.

Well thats my attempt, if there is indeed an underlying meaning to this poem - I missed it! Fine read.

[twoleftfeet]

Ashley,
Is the thimble waiting for the stained finger nail (which makes sense to me) or is it the needle waiting to cause injury, or both?

Geoff

[Jester]

I really like this - the way it lilts along, and could be linked with almost anything..............gets a bit scary when the naked tip is awaiting a stained fingernail though.........any particular thoughts of your own lead to that?

Thanks Ashley

Mick.

[AshleyD]

Thankyou for your replies Camus, Geoff and Mick. I was aiming for a metaphor of sorts, but it obviously isn't quite clear. Geoff, it's supposed to be the thimble waiting for the stained fingernail.

My poems are very descriptive because I kind of feel naked otherwise.. I want to be able to convey a message to readers by showing them images as effectively as if it had been said plainly, but I often get in a muddle!

Thanks for all the help though,
Ashley.

[pseud]

Hey Ashley -

Just a thought: don't tell people about your metaphoric aspirations for this poem. I think this would work better as is - a purely descriptive poem - I couldn't get your metaphor from the poem itself, but I don't think that is a bad mark on the poem. Check these out for example, other poems our own cameron wrote that are descriptive. I think they turned out well:

viewtopic.php?t=1435

viewtopic.php?t=2960

Your style seems to be somewhat similar.

- Caleb

[AshleyD]

I had a look and those poems are really great. I've changed some of the comments about the metaphor too. Thanks so much for the suggestions,

Ashley.