The Comfy Chair

[Suzanne]

The Comfy Chair

I want, so live in wait
for something to stand
in big black boots before me,
make its presence known,
stamp its foot, challenge me to decide.

Something that will correct
my gaze, the silly tip of my head,
the defiant jut of chin, pointed
as if with a thin layer
of new self- knowledge,
I can resist the invitation
to slip silently through
old familiar doors, sleep,
ignore the challenge to decide.

I wait to be poked
out of this white-noise existence,
provoked with a grip stronger
than my obstinacy,
wrestled back into the game
by something bigger
that challenges me to decide to live
or just continue waiting to die.




.

Title change from "Waiting for a Cape"
added first three words of line one.

changed: as if with a layer
of any new self- knowledge,

[Suzanne]

This is another old one. Written Jan 2011. I am thinking about putting a little performance together. This might be a good one to open with, if it sound. Is it sound? How does it sound?

[bodkin]

Waiting for a Cape

I live in wait
for something to stand
in big black boots before me, So with this and the title there's a superhero vibe...
make its presence known,
stamp its foot, challenge me to decide.

Something that will correct
my gaze, the silly tip of my head,
the defiant jut of chin, pointed
as if with a layer
of any new self- knowledge, ...which here I feel you've modulated into something more parental... not quite sure whether it's a desire in an adult (knowing you to be an adult) for a parent figure or if this sort of attention would be a bit unwelcome
I can resist the invitation
to slip silently through
those old familiar doors, sleep,
ignore the challenge to decide. At first I thought that the doors were offered by "it" and you were resisting responding to it, but then I realised the logic is the other way around... you are resisting life as normal, the urge to go home and go to sleep...

I wait to be poked
out of this white-noise existence,
provoked with a grip stronger
than my obstinacy,
wrestled back into the game
by something bigger
that challenges me to decide to live
or just continue waiting to die.

My problem at the end here is you've backed away from the situation you set up in the first two strophes. At least I think so, e.g. the thing you're waiting for here, is the same thing you were revealing arriving at the start... So you've downgraded the first two strophes from an actual personal crisis (which is how I read it) to a speculation that it might happen.

I think this would be stronger if you either:

1) went into the crisis more in the last strophe, don't back off, wrestle with it!

2) OR, if the backing off is more important to you (e.g. the sense of being stuck waiting for this "kick" that will free you from stasis is the real crisis) then make much more of the stuckness at the end, show how it is a problem, not what you want, not escapable... yearn for the superhero...


.

Great to see you back onboard the board!

Ian

[Suzanne]

Thank you, Ian, for your detailed crit.
I have been thinking about it and just am unsure what to say. I'm disappointed that what seemed so clear in my mind didn't come across to the page.

There is always the temptation to explain a poem that doesn't work rather than rework it. And I'd rather rework it than explain. ... So I will have to sit on it awhile.

Maybe the title is very wrong. This poem has had about ten titles so far.

Thank you again.
Suzanne

[Xillus_Xavier]

The issue I had with this was the fact that the "big black boots" description led me to immediately think of Nazi boots instead of a superhero. This character stamping his foot only added to this idea because I don't consider this type of body language very "superhero-like." This painted the remainder of the stanza with a very dark vibe that I feel confident you weren't trying to achieve. As I continued I started to see this as not a Nazi officer, but a drill sergeant, or corrections officer...some sort of disciplinary figure, but that still goes against the opening idea presented by the title. I kept waiting for the superhero to emerge, therefore was left confused about what was happening and felt that I had missed the message you were likely trying to convey.

[68degrees]

Why "something" and "its"? Shouldn't it be "someone" with the description presented to us? Just curious...

The title makes no sense to me personally. If it does to you as writer, okay. But again, trying to personify an object just seems wrong.

Sorry.

68degrees

[Suzanne]

Well, ok, I see this has failed to convey what I intended. I accpet that.
I believe the new title sent the thing off in a direction I didn't anticipate. Yes, I imagined a superhero but not a being.

I have to either make it is someone or keep it a something. It was written as an it. I will let this go for now. This is the second time it has flopped. lol. I bet I try it again on you people in a few years.... then what will you say? what will the title be then?? eye brows raised... could be anything.....


Thanks for the feedback, let it rest now.
Suzanne

[bodkin]

Well, ok, I see this has failed to convey what I intended. I accpet that.
I believe the new title sent the thing off in a direction I didn't anticipate. Yes, I imagined a superhero but not a being.

I have to either make it is someone or keep it a something. It was written as an it. I will let this go for now. This is the second time it has flopped. lol. I bet I try it again on you people in a few years.... then what will you say? what will the title be then?? eye brows raised... could be anything.....


Thanks for the feedback, let it rest now.
Suzanne

Respecting your desire to let it rest...

But I will say that if "it" (whatever it is, personal discipline?) is to be an "it" then you might need only to make it clear you are personifying something, rather than encountering a real person.

My incomprehension was not, I think to do with itness vs. personhood... it was more that I wasn't able to grasp exactly what real world (?) phenomenon you meant. Some sort of actualisation? Or a fear to overcome? Or the shadow of a parent to escape? I feel it is something in that area, but don't know what...

(See how I said I was respecting your wishes and then didn't )

Ian

[Suzanne]

Smiling...

ok, Ian. How about that then?

[bodkin]

Sorry, totally perplexed...

Monte Python is the only thing that springs to mind, and that seems clearly wrong.

Brow furrowed here, sorry.

Ian

[Suzanne]

lol.

So, we let it rest.
Fresh eyes, read it with fresh eyes, Ian... later... later....

[Antcliff]

What was wrong with your first title....with the "cape" of the "caped crusader", i.e. super hero kit?

Seth