Diagnosis (revised)

[JJWilliamson]

please don't nip
the candles
tonight

not whilst
there's a flicker
to light
the shadows

Original

please don't nip
the candles
tonight

not whilst
there's light
to see
you with

[Macavity]

Poignant in the circumstances JJ. S1 is clear; S2 I interpretated that light/shadow are part of a rich visual world.

best

mac

[Richard]

Neat. I'd take the last two lines of the first version and swap them back in. I think you need them.

Best

R

[Firebird]

I second Richard's suggestion. An effective and poignant poem JJ.

It's a good one. Really like it.

I'd leave it untitled. Let the poem spin it's own spell. It has the power.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

JJ
Here my two pennyworth.
not too keen on the sounds of 'nip' and 'flicker'
so perhaps;
please don't put out
the candle
tonight

not whilst
there is still light
in the shadows.

I agree with Richard and Tristan about the last two lines in the original,
but given the importance of light/shadows, perhaps you might give them their own (third) verse.
Here's mud in your..
Regards, Not.

[David]

S1 is good, of course. I don't think you're quite there with either of your proposed S2's. I think the original is closest to being right, but there seems to be a logic error in it (or I am reading one into it): why would you light the candles (never mind nip them) if there is still light?

Or am I being thick?

All the best

David

[ray miller]

Does nip a candle mean to light it or to put it out?

[JJWilliamson]

Thank you very much for the replies, everyone. Appreciated.

Poignant in the circumstances JJ. S1 is clear; S2 I interpretated that light/shadow are part of a rich visual world.

best

mac

I wrote the original before my attack and thought it was very poignant indeed. Shuffled it a bit. Light and shadows represent a number of things,
including the literal interp. Thanks for mentioning it, mac.

Neat. I'd take the last two lines of the first version and swap them back in. I think you need them.

Best

R

They're certainly on my mind, or something like them. I think the poem lies betwixt and between, perhaps a combo'. Much to consider.

I second Richard's suggestion. An effective and poignant poem JJ.

It's a good one. Really like it.

I'd leave it untitled. Let the poem spin it's own spell. It has the power.

Cheers,

Tristan

Interesting point about the title. Quite a step, that one. Let me think about it.
Thanks for letting me know you agree with Richard. Definite grist for the mill.
Delighted you liked.

JJ
Here my two pennyworth.
not too keen on the sounds of 'nip' and 'flicker'
so perhaps;
please don't put out
the candle
tonight

not whilst
there is still light
in the shadows.

I agree with Richard and Tristan about the last two lines in the original,
but given the importance of light/shadows, perhaps you might give them their own (third) verse.
Here's mud in your..
Regards, Not.

Here's some mud back.
I've a lot to think about and will post a revision soon (ish). A third strophe might resolve my dilemma. The light/shadows connection
is important but I'm not sure I've got it right yet. I'm quite partial to my nip and flicker. Try saying that down the pub.
Thanks for the suggestion, Not, appreciated.

S1 is good, of course. I don't think you're quite there with either of your proposed S2's. I think the original is closest to being right, but there seems to be a logic error in it (or I am reading one into it): why would you light the candles (never mind nip them) if there is still light?

Or am I being thick?

All the best

David

Thanks for that, David

You've focussed on my main problem. Yes, it's not quite there, yet, but the various comments have helped me more than you'd think.
I'm going to think further, taking all comments into consideration.

The candles illuminate the room, and whilst the speaker can still see he wants them to cast there hypnotic flicker.
Nip the flame and you extinguish the light. There's a metaphor lurking in the shadows. That's how I was thinking. Could be reworded.

Does nip a candle mean to light it or to put it out?

To put it out. The flame is nipped in much the same way people nip cigarettes. Do people still do that? Hmmm.

Thanks again to one and all.

Best

JJ

[Crayon]

please don't nip
the candles
tonight

not whilst
there's a flicker
to light
the shadows

Original

please don't nip
the candles
tonight

not whilst
there's light
to see
you with

I agree with the logic problem that David said (less a problem in the revision) and think you need to make the light or flicker clearly belong to the candles. Maybe something like this:

Please don't
nip the candle
wicks tonight,

not while
their fragile light
still flickers

and holds
your face away
from shadows.

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks, Cray/Ray

for looking at this one. Your version is on the right lines and it's got to be something like that, I think.
The light and candles in V1 is a tad confusing, even though the meaning is there. If you're going for relative simplicity
it's best to keep things clear, unless is there's a wordplay in the offing, as in V2 with 'shadows'.

Best

JJ

[ray miller]

I struggle with the logic - if there was no flicker there would be no need to nip the candles. Would there?

[JJWilliamson]

Thanks again, Ray

The way I see it, If there was no flicker the candles would be already out. The flicker is more a reference
to the form the light takes. A beam, burst, flash, flicker etc.

The light/flame flickers, and whilst the candles remain lit their flicker will light the shadows.
When the candles are nipped the light/flicker is extinguished. Also, a nipped candle flame doesn't smoke.
I could say,

[tab][/tab]"Don't nip the candles tonight,
[tab][/tab]for their flicker lights
[tab][/tab]the shadows"

But the speaker is also praying. Please don't extinguish the light; not just yet.
AND Please don't take what remains.

Perhaps the metaphor is getting in the way. The poem relies on the metaphor, however.

Still much to think about.

Thanks again, Ray. Always good to get questions.

Best

JJ

I struggle with the logic - if there was no flicker there would be no need to nip the candles. Would there?