You are the Rain

[NotQuiteSure]

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(Version 7)

You are the Rain

that slips a finger down my spine,
the thrill of ice aligns these bones.

As subtle music comes the storm
and I would dance with you alone.

Your pearls unstrung, falling to drum
a clear insistence on this skin.
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________________


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(Version 6b).

You are the rain

that slips a finger
down my spine,
the thrill of ice
aligns these bones.

As subtle music
comes the storm,
and I would dance
with you alone.
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________________

[tab][/tab]
(Version 6).

You are the rain

that slips a finger
down my spine,
the thrill of ice
aligns these bones.

As subtle music
comes the storm,
and I would dance
with thee alone.
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________________




(Version 5)

You are the rain

that slips a finger down my spine,
the thrill of ice aligns these bones.

As subtle music, comes a storm,
and I would dance with you alone.

Laughter lies bright beneath my tongue,
your song drumming on this skin.

________________



[tab][/tab]
(Version 4)

You are the rain

that slips a finger down my spine,
the thrill of ice aligns these bones.

Subtle music becomes a storm
and I would dance with you alone.

Laughter lies bright beneath my tongue,
as your song drums upon this skin.

________________



[tab][/tab]
(Version 3)

You are the rain

that slips a finger down my spine,
the thrill of ice aligns these bones.

Subtle music becomes a storm
and I would dance with you alone.

Laughter hides out beneath my tongue
as your song drums upon this skin.


________________



[tab][/tab]
(Version 2)

You are the rain

that slips a finger
down my spine;
the thrill of ice
aligns these bones.

As subtle music,
comes the storm,
and I would dance
with you alone.

Laughter lies under
neath my tongue,
as your song drums
upon this skin.


________________



[tab][/tab]
You are the rain

that slips a finger
down my spine,
the thrill of ice
aligns these bones.

As subtle music
becomes the storm,
I would dance
with you alone,

a laugh, half-hidden,
under my tongue,
your song drumming
on this skin.
[tab][/tab]

[Crayon]

An ode to amphetamine? I like it! ! ! ! ! !

[Richard]

Is it really about amphetamine. I am a virgin where that is concerned Isn't it about, ahem, rain?

I liked the simplicity of the language. S1 had a really nice flow to it, which I'd like to see carried through the piece...

As subtle music <---subtle? You might come up with something with more punch or specifity?
becomes the storm, <--becomes broke the rhythm slightly for me
I would dance
with you alone,

a laugh, half-hidden,
under my tongue, <---under here broke the rhythm for me again.
your song drumming
on this skin.

[JJWilliamson]

I also like it, but wouldn't have seen the amphetamine connection without Crayon's comments.

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You are the rain

that slips a finger
down my spine, ...Should this be a full stop? The progression seems a bit odd. Would 'aligning' help?
the thrill of ice
aligns these bones.

As subtle music ...Is there another word for 'subtle' ? EG only, "chamber music".
becomes the storm,
I would dance
with you alone,

a laugh, half-hidden,
under my tongue,
your song drumming
on this skin.
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Best

JJ

[Crayon]

Sorry, NQS; I should clarify that my six exclamation marks and the teeth-grinding smiley was a poor attempt to joke that my enthusiasm was amphetamine assisted. It wasn't meant as sarcasm.

While I can see an amphetamine analogy, I guess it's really about a potential lover.

I agree with Richard and JJ that perhaps "subtle" could be bettered.

Maybe: 'that aligns bones'?

Not sure about: on 'this' skin.

[NotQuiteSure]

That's a powerful Class A observation. I'm sruggling to resist its influence and starting to suspect that MDMA has been slipped into S3.
There's been some concern expressed at the speed with which you reached your conclusion so, Crayon, this is a safe space, is there something you want to share with the group?

[NotQuiteSure]

JJ, Richard – thanks for your time and feedback.

Richard, one virgin to another, it is just about the rain.
Though I find Crayon's interpretation compelling
(not least because of how interesting it makes me appear).
As to flow/rhythm, the syllable count for each stanza is
s1 5 3 4 4
s2 5 4 3 4
s3 5 4 4 3
hence, I suspect, your 'broken rhythm'. How big a problem do you find it?

JJ
Should this be a full stop? I don't think so, though perhaps it is a pause longer that a comma.
the 'thrill of ice' refers to the coldness of the rain, so I think aligns works.
As to 'subtle music', what can I say, it was just something I liked, for me the music of rain, as with birdsong, is entirely in the ear of the beholder, and here it is less about sound than intensity.
Though I'm mulling over
As distant music
becomes a storm...
(Would this improve matters?)
Thanks again, Not.

[NotQuiteSure]

Crayon,
No need to clarify, I got the joke. The problem was that I found it as unexpected as I did convincing.
The silence on this end was stunned rather than offended. I didn't see it coming.
'this skin' was just playing with 'drumming' and trying to avoid another pronoun.
Love to know what you're hearing with 'subtle' that I'm not.
Regards, Not.

[Richard]

Not, One virgin to another, I think the flow makes enough of a difference to make it worth working on it if you want to send this on anywhere.

Best

R

[NotQuiteSure]

Richard,
Thanks for the feedback
How does version 2 work?
Regards, Not.

[David]

I was already wondering about "becomes", but its replacement by "comes" bamboozles me completely. And what are "under" and "neath" doing on separate lines? I'll be very happy hear that there is some cunning logic to that.

I do quite like this, and the revision is an improvement, apart from those two points above. Although, in both versions, I'm not sure about laughter hiding under(neath) the tongue. Does laughter involve the tongue at all? There must be a physiological answer to that. Any physiologists out there?

Cheers

David

[NotQuiteSure]

David
Thanks for taking the time.
bamboozling: the line might paraphrase as
the storm begins as a gentle/distant rain (subtle music) and grows in intensity/proximity
under/neath: just preserving the syllable structure (Oh, Baldrick, where art thou?)
laughter: I was thinking of when, as a child, in the middle of a storm
I'd stick out my tongue, head tilted back, and try to catch the rain on it,
and enjoy the experience (similar to snowflakes).
Laughter (produced by the diaphragm - I looked it up)
would therefore be spatially, as well as physiologically, below/under the tongue.
Hope you're less boozled than before.
Regards, Not.

[Crayon]

Crayon,
No need to clarify, I got the joke. The problem was that I found it as unexpected as I did convincing.
The silence on this end was stunned rather than offended. I didn't see it coming.
'this skin' was just playing with 'drumming' and trying to avoid another pronoun.
Love to know what you're hearing with 'subtle' that I'm not.
Regards, Not.

I think "subtle" is a tad bland and detached, and something more visceral or physical may be better. Here's a short shower of shuggestshons:
As hollow/surface/staccato/broken/nervous/febrile music/beats/rhythm(s)
As light percussion

I'm surprised that the poem is just about rain. I thought that the pronoun "You" with the definite article in "You are the rain" made the rain a metaphor.

I think that "comes the storm" is confusing. Maybe: leads/hails the storm

The comma ending L6, and the "and" starting L8, seem wrong.

[NotQuiteSure]

Crayon
At the moment the piece seems to have three interpretations;
1. rain as rain (enjoyed for its own sake)
2. rain as lover
3. rain as drugs (thanks to you)
and I'm happy to keep all three.
Regards, Not

[David]

David
Thanks for taking the time.
bamboozling: the line might paraphrase as
the storm begins as a gentle/distant rain (subtle music) and grows in intensity/proximity
under/neath: just preserving the syllable structure (Oh, Baldrick, where art thou?)
laughter: I was thinking of when, as a child, in the middle of a storm
I'd stick out my tongue, head tilted back, and try to catch the rain on it,
and enjoy the experience (similar to snowflakes).
Laughter (produced by the diaphragm - I looked it up)
would therefore be spatially, as well as physiologically, below/under the tongue.
Hope you're less boozled than before.
Regards, Not.

Thanks Not. (Such a silly monicker. Don't you have another one? Can I just call you Monica?) That does actually help. In part. Let me think about it some more.

Cheers

David

[Firebird]

I prefer this version Not. I think the rhythm mostly works better. Some specific comments below.

[tab][/tab]
(Version 3)

You are the rain

that slips a finger down my spine,
the thrill of ice aligns these bones.

Subtle music becomes a storm (I like this line)
and I would dance with you alone.

Laughter hides out beneath my tongue (maybe get rid of 'out'?)
as your song drums upon this skin. (This last line sounds a bit clunky)

Cheers,

Tristan


________________



[tab][/tab]
(Version 2)

You are the rain

that slips a finger
down my spine;
the thrill of ice
aligns these bones.

As subtle music,
comes the storm,
and I would dance
with you alone.

Laughter lies under
neath my tongue,
as your song drums
upon this skin.


________________



[tab][/tab]
You are the rain

that slips a finger
down my spine,
the thrill of ice
aligns these bones.

As subtle music
becomes the storm,
I would dance
with you alone,

a laugh, half-hidden,
under my tongue,
your song drumming
on this skin.
[tab][/tab]

[JJWilliamson]

JJ
Should this be a full stop? I don't think so, though perhaps it is a pause longer that a comma.
the 'thrill of ice' refers to the coldness of the rain, so I think aligns works. ...I understood the image and liked it very much. Alfred Wainwright used to say the first droplet meandering its way down his back was the only one he could remember. My problem, and it does seem to be only me, is the progression. EG If you said

You are the rain

that slips a finger down my spine,
aligns these bones.

I'd have no query. OR

You are the rain

slipping a finger down my spine,
the thrill of ice that aligns these bones.

OR

You are the rain

that slips a finger down my spine,
the thrill of ice aligning these bones.

Even

You are the rain

that slips a finger down my spine,
the thrill of ice that aligns these bones.

As it stands, to me, it reads like two separate sentences.

You are the rain

that slips a finger down my spine.
The thrill of ice aligns these bones.

Your version made me look twice to glean the meaning. (only briefly because I understood the image)

There could well be some grammatical justification for the present construction but it feels awkward to my ear.

As to 'subtle music', what can I say, it was just something I liked, for me the music of rain, as with birdsong, is entirely in the ear of the beholder, and here it is less about sound than intensity. ...I simply thought there was an opportunity for a fuller image, a more unusual image that defined the music. Perhaps a musical term of Italian origin EG dolce to crescendo to maintain or extend the music metaphor. Perhaps look to musical notes for an image EG semibreve to quaver etc However, I'd be more than loath to lose 'storm'. Anyway, it's just the kind of thing I spend an age over before doing nothing. Thought Id mention what was going through my
mind.

Though I'm mulling over
As distant music
becomes a storm...
(Would this improve matters?) ...It certainly does no harm. What sound does the gentle rain make before it rises in strength and tone to a cataclysmic crescendo?

Thanks again, Not.

Well, there's a few more thoughts lobbed into the pot for your perusal. Make of it what you will.

Best

JJ

[ray miller]

Nice poem. I think it's a mistake to introduce "ice" when the poem is about the rain. Something like "the shiver realigns these bones".
Not keen on "hides out" either. "hides underneath"?

[NotQuiteSure]

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Thanks Tristan,
how is version 4?

JJ
A welcome and much appreciated return.
the problem of progression; (thanks for all your examples by the way) - I think this is just a 'beholder' issue.
I do take your point about a fuller image, but I don't think the start of a storm is full, or well defined,
rather it's the slow accumulation of effects (pressure, temperature etc.) until a critical threshold is reached;
from edges of perception to incontrovertible (as it were).
'loath to lose storm'; yeah, that's one of my concerns,
I think specifying the music will have a knock on effect that knocks out storm.
If the beginning is defined musically then surely the end must be too?
Again, thanks for giving me much to think about.

ray
thanks for taking the time,
'ice' was just meant to mean 'cold', and because of how it sounded with 'aligns these'
(and now, of course, because of crayon's amphetamine interpretation).
That's two against 'hides out', try version 4.

Before anyone asks, it's 'bright' as in 'lively/joyful'

Thanks, Not

[ray miller]

Laughter lies bright beneath my tongue - I'm sure most people aren't going to associate "bright" with lively/joyful in the context of that line, when it is placed between "lies" and "beneath".

[Firebird]

Not, I much prefer V4. The final two lines now work much better.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

ray,
You're probably right about 'most people...', as with ice/cold, but I think the piece is in danger of being pushed into the wrong shape, so these are the guns to which I'll stick.
I do appreciate the pause(s) for thought you've given me.

Thanks Tristan,
though now I'm tempted by
version 5

Regards, Not.

[bjondon]

Hello Not,

forgive me for throwing in my ha'porth at such a late date, but I really love this and am not surprised it has attracted so much comment. Simplicity and a dangerous ambiguity are its great strengths. The form to me is that of a riddle . . . deliciously it announces its answer in the first line, then proceeds to cast intriguing doubts.

Much as I like the image of childlike joy bubbling just beneath the tongue, that last stanza is problematic in all versions. For me it stands complete with just two verses, rounded perfectly with the bones/ alone half rhyme.

V2 is my favourite, with the lines just falling below that first line/title - couplets make it feel more prosaic, striving for a clarity it doesn't need. Plus I think the line breaks are doing some useful work.

Yes, a semi-colon is more correct at L3 after 'spine', but a comma is so much more sexy and the slight loosening of grammatical logic feels about right. And I would lose the comma after 'subtle music'. That way it mirrors perfectly the stanza above and conveys the idea that the 'storm' is already present/anticipated within that first subtle experience/event. Finally 'the storm' (as in V2) sounds more intense than 'a storm'.

p.s. Liked your sleep riddle aswell, though not quite as good as this one. Are we due for a riddle revival?

Julian

[NotQuiteSure]

Julian, welcome and thanks for your time.
It's never too late, particularly for such a useful critique,
and returning to the piece again I think you are absolutely right,
verse 3 is weak/unsatisfying in all versions.
I think I've been trying too hard to keep 'drumming on this skin'.
So here's to version 6.
As for 'A Little Bedtime Riddle', I think I should have put an age range on it,
maybe for 4-6 year-olds? But glad you liked it.
Regards, Not.

[bjondon]

Chuffed you took my advice! . . .Yes, it has a sort of luminosity now. . . . Troubled by the 'thee' though, much as it chimes with the 'these' , I think the connection back to the 'you' of the title works better.

As for 4-6 year olds, they are a tough audience . . . if you can please them you are onto a winner.

J