Elvis has left the village

[David]

REMIX

When I heard that Elvis had died,
my first thought was not that I
had lent him five pounds in nineteen-
ninety-something, but that came
soon afterwards. I had never
got it back. I did not think him
willing to address the point.
In truth, I got off lightly,

but ours was only a nodding acquaintance,
in the pub or the post office
or at the bus stop
on high days and holidays,
done up in full Vegas regalia.
"Right, Tony?" Not really a question, more
a sort of ritual naming. He,
of course, could never remember mine.

He showed me once - the occasion
of the five pound touching - the scrapbook
of his one trip to Memphis
and its holy suburbs: the pilgrim,
ruddy-faced, sideburned, grinning
as though certain of the day when he
would join the heavenly Jordanaires
at the right hand of the King.

Which might perhaps explain why,
to my unbeliever's eyes,
he lived at the end of Lonely Street
but seemed happy enough about it.

ORIGINAL

When I heard that Elvis had died,
my first thought was not that I
had lent him five pounds in nineteen-
ninety-something, but that came
soon afterwards. I had never
got it back. I did not think him
willing to address the point.
In truth, I got off lightly,

but ours was only a nodding acquaintance,
in the pub or the post office
or at the bus stop
on high days and holidays,
done up in full Vegas regalia.
"Right, Tony?" Not really a question, more
a sort of ritual naming. He,
of course, could never remember mine.

He lived at the end of Lonely Street,
but seemed happy enough about it.

[ray miller]

You could call it The King and I, but maybe that's a bit naff. I like the poem, I can see the character. I think the 2nd verse is very good. The line breaks in first verse I'm not so sure about. Maybe

When I heard that Elvis had died,
my first thought was not that
I had lent him five pounds
in nineteen-ninety-something,
but that came soon afterwards.
I had never got it back.
I did not think him willing
to address the point.
In truth, I got off lightly,

Not sure about the closing couplet, either, I'd prefer it without.

[Macavity]

hi David,
I could read S1 with some pause for pondering/hesitation on the I/nineteen...if that was what you intended. Perhaps a bus route destination/number for the title?

all the best

mac

[elotrooso]

Hi, David.

Re title: Since many would know or guess Elvis is buried in Memphis, would the name of of a small local cemetary (even an imaginary one) serve.... ( Have to admit I had to google his burial site to be sure.)


Brompton Grove Cemetary. Hampshire

Hillside Cemetary, Ayrshire

....???

Or does that give away the reveal too soon?

K

[Ros]

I'm not keen on the closing couplet.

Not sure why you say you got off lightly?

Ros

[ray miller]

Not sure why you say you got off lightly?

Ros

Because he died owing others far greater amounts, I would guess.

[Ros]

Not sure why you say you got off lightly?

Ros

Because he died owing others far greater amounts, I would guess.

Ah, ok. That's more mundane than I was hoping for.

Ros

[AlanReynolds]

David,

This is intriguing. To me the poem is stronger if you end it without its last two lines.

And (to me, again) ninety-something. That came sounds stronger than ninety-something, but that came

Alan

[David]

Thanks, all.

Not sure about the closing couplet, either, I'd prefer it without.

I like it, unsurprisingly enough, but I think it needs to be part - the end, probably - of a longer third stanza.

Some good ideas for the title there, but - with a little helpful nudging from Seth - I think I'm going to go for Elvis has left the village.

Ah, ok. That's more mundane than I was hoping for.

Ah, Ros, you must learn to embrace the mundane. That's where the world is. (You were expecting a bit of child abuse, weren't you? But not here. Not in this one, anyway, thank goodness.)

Cheers all

David

[David]

A slight remix ...

[Ros]

No, I wasn't expecting that.

I like the extra verse, but

but seemed happy enough about it.

to me is rather pedestrian phrasing. But if I'm embracing the mundane...

Ros

[JJWilliamson]

Really enjoyed the poem, David, and quite like the title. I'm taking it that you live in a village
with its pub et al, or is this completely fictitious? Not that it matters.

I know what Ros means about the close but you make a sound point about the necessity for the mundane.
It has a sad quality, melancholic perhaps and rather empty. No fizz, no rock and roll and no references
to constipation. He has simply left the village. Maybe use your title in the close to spice it up a bit.

Good discussion

Best

JJ

[Macavity]

Like the title because it relates small world to larger than life figure

cheers

mac

[David]

Thanks, all. Just one thing for the moment. My old friend Shadwell Smith (aka Oscar - or was it Oskar?) - has popped up and suggested I simply cut the first verse completely. This seems like quite a good idea to me at the moment. But is it?

Cheers

David

[Macavity]

Thanks, all. Just one thing for the moment. My old friend Shadwell Smith (aka Oscar - or was it Oskar?) - has popped up and suggested I simply cut the first verse completely. This seems like quite a good idea to me at the moment. But is it?

Cheers

David

The mantra of cut the preamble...get to the point...as a reader I don't mind strolling into a poem myself...but I suspect editors think otherwise

cheers

mac

[David]

I've been reviewing some old poems, like this. I suddenly can't believe that I never used "Return to Lender" in the first verse.

[bodkin]

Enjoyed very much.

"and" instead of "but" in the final line? To make it more a consequence than a quibble? After all, isn't loneliness the natural companion to greatness?

Ian

[ray miller]

I remember this. You've improved it a bit, I think. In line 4, maybe "though" instead of "but".

to my unbeliever's eyes, - I think you could do without that line.

[Arian]

For me, this is quintessential David. Which is another way of saying excellent.

I really like, and admire, the way its apparent inconsequentiality captures a sense of poignancy; a sense of people trying, but not always succeeding, to make something of life. Or something.

Cheers
p

[Firebird]

What I like most about this is way your you control the rhythm of each line so well. The poem moves along simply and deftly. I found it's ending quite poignant, too. Some minor points below.

Much enjoyed.

Cheers,

Tristan

REMIX

When I heard that Elvis had died,
my first thought was not that I
had lent him five pounds in nineteen-
ninety-something, but that came
soon afterwards. I had never
got it back. I did not think him
willing to address the point. (The structure of this sentence and the word 'address' seem just a little too formal for N's voice, when compared with the rest of the poem)
In truth, I got off lightly,

but ours was only a nodding acquaintance, (I like 'nodding acquaintance')
in the pub or the post office
or at the bus stop (do you need this line?)
on high days and holidays,
done up in full Vegas regalia.
"Right, Tony?" Not really a question, more
a sort of ritual naming. He, (Great couple of lines)
of course, could never remember mine.

He showed me once - the occasion
of the five pound touching - the scrapbook
of his one trip to Memphis
and its holy suburbs: the pilgrim,
ruddy-faced, sideburned, grinning
as though certain of the day when he
would join the heavenly Jordanaires
at the right hand of the King.

Which might perhaps explain why,
to my unbeliever's eyes,
he lived at the end of Lonely Street
but seemed happy enough about it.

ORIGINAL

When I heard that Elvis had died,
my first thought was not that I
had lent him five pounds in nineteen-
ninety-something, but that came
soon afterwards. I had never
got it back. I did not think him
willing to address the point.
In truth, I got off lightly,

but ours was only a nodding acquaintance,
in the pub or the post office
or at the bus stop
on high days and holidays,
done up in full Vegas regalia.
"Right, Tony?" Not really a question, more
a sort of ritual naming. He,
of course, could never remember mine.

He lived at the end of Lonely Street,
but seemed happy enough about it.

[David]

Thanks all. Actually, this - or that - is not a new revision. I just floated it back to the surface on discovering my failure to use Return to Lender. I shall do that, and revise the whole thing properly one of these days.

In the meantime, though, these notes will be very helpful.

Peter, thank you so much for that. I'm very grateful - as often - for your kind words.

Tristan, I think you're right about the tone of voice at "willing to address the point". Fortunately, that's where my Return to Lender may come in handy - something like ...

Return to Lender
never one of his favourite tunes.

I think you're right about the bus stop too, although Tony at the bus stop in full Vegas regalia was a sight to behold.

Cheers all (i.e. not overlooking Ray and Ian)

David