Bukowski

[MikeAcker]

Back in the 70's, back in LA, I knew of him
as the uncouth Christ of the drunk-again alcoholics,

the naked emperor of young, trendy-cafe chefs,
and of the intellectual and the pseudo-intellectual

trust fund kids who yearned to be like him by living
in decrepit houses, the lawns of which they littered
with rusting appliances.

Somewhere in the unorthodox mix of the booze
and the sorting of US mail, the air of absurdity

grew thick and intoxicated his mind
as only absurd realities can.

It was at the back of run down bars,
among the derelicts, and the destitute,

the desperate, and the prostitutes,
that he could afford to maintain

his signature perma-stupor
which he wore like a bullet-proof vest.

He gathered, mostly off skid row streets,
sharp shards of train-wrecked lives

and glued them with booze-breath spit
onto pages of dollar-store notepads,

from which their honesty shone, rivaling
the glow of any Chagall stained glass window.

Back then, I didn't care much for him,
or his sermons from the mounts

of the seedy parts of LA. He had his way
of embalming his soul, and I had mine.

I was young and ambitious and life's distractions
were attractive enough and detractive enough

to lure me from looking down the crevices

that littered my own core, the ones from which
his sermons would sometimes bellow.

[ton321]

Hi Mike,

I enjoyed the poem. I bought his collection 'Run with the Hunted' years ago, and I admit i am a Bukowski fan,so I might be biased.

I like this passage-

He gathered, mostly off skid row streets,
sharp shards of train-wrecked lives

and glued them with booze-breath spit
onto pages of dollar-store notepads,

from which their honesty shone, rivaling
the glow of any Chagall stained glass window.

which seems to be the hub of the poem.
Maybe you could shorten it a little, or even start off with this passage!

Tony

[MikeAcker]

Hi Mike,

I enjoyed the poem. I bought his collection 'Run with the Hunted' years ago, and I admit i am a Bukowski fan,so I might be biased.

I like this passage-

He gathered, mostly off skid row streets,
sharp shards of train-wrecked lives

and glued them with booze-breath spit
onto pages of dollar-store notepads,

from which their honesty shone, rivaling
the glow of any Chagall stained glass window.

which seems to be the hub of the poem.
Maybe you could shorten it a little, or even start off with this passage!

Tony

Thanks , Tony. I enjoyed writing it.
Your suggestion makes sense, I will definitely consider when revising.

[elotrooso]

Agree with Tony's choice: those are the strongest lines. Also agree the poem could do with some paring down, but careful: a pristine little jewel would hardly seem appropriate to Mr B.

[ray miller]

the uncouth Christ of the drunk-again alcoholics, - that's very good, made me laugh anyhow

from which their honesty shone, - maybe authenticity is better than honesty?

I enjoyed it. If you're looking to cut/improve I'd start with stanzas 4 and 5.

[MikeAcker]

Agree with Tony's choice: those are the strongest lines. Also agree the poem could do with some paring down, but careful: a pristine little jewel would hardly seem appropriate to Mr B.

Thanks, elotrooso...
You are right, of course. That is why the original format was as follows:

back in the 70's,
back in LA,
I knew of him
as the uncouth christ
of the drunk-again
alocoholics,
the naked emperor
of young, trendy-cafe chefs and
of the intellectual
and the pseudo-intellectual
trust fund kids who wanted
to be like him by
living in decrepit houses,
the lawns of which
they littered with
rusting appliances

somewhere in the
unorthodox mix
of the booze and the sorting of
US mail,
the air of absurdity
grew thick and intoxi-
cated his mind as only
absurd truths can

it was at the back of
run down bars,
among the derelicts
and the destitute
the desperate
and the prostitutes,
that he could afford to
maintain his signature perma-
stupor that he wore
like a bullet-proof vest

he gathered, mostly
off the skid row streets,
sharp shards of train-wrecked
lives and glued them them with
booze-breath onto pages
of dollar-store notepads,
from which their honesty shone,
rivaling the shine
of Chagall stained glass windows

at the end he attained
the ultimate immunity against
the inescapable agony of
looking absurdity in the face
by embalming his soul
long before any undertaker
could have his way

back then, I never
cared much for him
or his sermons
from the mounts
of the seedy parts of LA
I was young and ambitious
and life's distractions
were attractive enough
and distractive enough
to lure me from looking down
the dark wells in my own soul,
the ones from which I would
sometimes hear his sermons
echo...

Unfortunately some sites frown upon such "messy", yet very "Bukowskiesque", formats so I had to "clean it up" a bit...

[MikeAcker]

the uncouth Christ of the drunk-again alcoholics, - that's very good, made me laugh anyhow

from which their honesty shone, - maybe authenticity is better than honesty?

I enjoyed it. If you're looking to cut/improve I'd start with stanzas 4 and 5.

I am glad you enjoyed it. Coming from you that means a lot to me!
I thought about authenticity, but honesty kept standing out.
I think I was referring more to the honesty of the pictures he painted.
I will mull over what you have suggested, though, and thanks, again.
I actually enjoyed writing this one!

[Firebird]

This reads quickly like Bukowski poems do, but you do it with longer lines, which is more impressive. I'm no fan of B, as I think most of what he writes is cliched ridden, doggerel, with little reflection or intellectual engagement. I agree with others, this could be cut. Stanzas 4 & 5 would be a good place to start.

Cheers,

Tristan

[MikeAcker]

This reads quickly like Bukowski poems do, but you do it with longer lines, which is more impressive. I'm no fan of B, as I think most of what he writes is cliched ridden, doggerel, with little reflection or intellectual engagement. I agree with others, this could be cut. Stanzas 4 & 5 would be a good place to start.

Cheers,

Tristan

Thanks for your comment...
I don't know if I would go as far as you about his writing,
I suppose someone had to represent the "low-browed",
myself included in this group.
Originally I did write it in his style, more or less,
but some sites are picky about format.
See my comment to elotrooso just above...

[JJWilliamson]

I enjoyed this, Mike, very much. It kept me hooked all the way and felt real to me.
I particularly liked the accessibility. The reader doesn't need an in-depth knowledge of Bukowski
to follow the general thrust of the poem.

My only suggestion is pretty much in the same vein as the other commentators.
Consider giving this a trim and look closely at some of the word choices. EG
You've established his relationship with the bottle so could you use another modifier for
'booze' in 'booze-breath'. I thought of 'sewer-breath' or something along those lines.
Is 'intoxicated' the best word? It's a good'n btw but would a different word, such as "bewitched"
achieve the same effect without referencing the booze factor again. Minor points.

'sharp shards' is a bit of a mouthful, and I'm a fan of all things alliterative. I think it's the use of 'shards'
that bothered me. Personal thing, and it didn't use to be.

Just a few thoughts for the pot.

Best

JJ

[MikeAcker]

I enjoyed this, Mike, very much. It kept me hooked all the way and felt real to me.
I particularly liked the accessibility. The reader doesn't need an in-depth knowledge of Bukowski
to follow the general thrust of the poem.

My only suggestion is pretty much in the same vein as the other commentators.
Consider giving this a trim and look closely at some of the word choices. EG
You've established his relationship with the bottle so could you use another modifier for
'booze' in 'booze-breath'. I thought of 'sewer-breath' or something along those lines.
Is 'intoxicated' the best word? It's a good'n btw but would a different word, such as "bewitched"
achieve the same effect without referencing the booze factor again. Minor points.

'sharp shards' is a bit of a mouthful, and I'm a fan of all things alliterative. I think it's the use of 'shards'
that bothered me. Personal thing, and it didn't use to be.

Just a few thoughts for the pot.

Best

JJ

Thank you, JJ...
I appreciate the suggestions and will consider them seriously when revising.
Keep in mind that many of the modifiers I used were in line, I think,
with how he thought.
You are right about "intoxicated", and will think about a replacement.