The things we have to do for love and a good night's sleep

[shijin]

I've packed up the moon and all night's noises
I've put out the stars and the crying cats
I've summoned the cool of springtime breezes
And bundled up all the day's irksome frets
I've gathered up all the politicians
I'm afraid I threw them in the river
and now I've gone and sullied the poor Thames
Well, in the morning I'll call the dredger
I've wrested away all the of arms of war
I've closed all the Tescos and global giants
I know you will think that I could do much more
But I'll not have you say 'she's off on her rants'
So tell me please have I done enough
I really am now sick of your huff

[Jester]

Hi Shijin. Yes, don't people just go on some times. Sounds like it's been written for Victor Meldrew. Nothing particular to pick at.

Liked these bits


"I've put out the stars and the crying cats"

"I've gathered up all the politicians
I'm afraid I threw them in the river
and now I've gone and sullied the poor Thames"

Thanks for a good un
Mick.

[David]

Yep, liked it a lot, but could you do anything with the last three lines? "Rants" and "giants" is a bit of a stretch, rhyme-wise - it's impossible to say "giants" in any intelligible way that the "ants" sounds like "rants" - and, although I can see that the final two lines are the point of the whole thing, they're what you've been building up to, they feel really anti-climactic. (The last line especially.)

Nothing wrong with what they say, but you should end with a flourish, not a falter.

Good stuff though.

David

[shijin]

David
Funnily enough the poem wasn't supposed to end up the way it did. It did start out as being a gift to an insomniac. But then it didn't seem to have the legs for it and I ended up with a second half that I am probably not happy with. Maybe I should struggle with it and try to make it work as I do think the second half is weak.

So thanks for your comments, I will ponder and try again.

And Mick thanks for your comments too.

Shijin