blah
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David Smedley
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 643
- Joined: Tue Dec 11, 2012 5:16 pm
Really enjoyed it RC, especially the ending.
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ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
Why "the lost century"?
Outside the window
now, doves chatter
and flutter down - very nice lines
Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
art defined
its own celebration. I think I understand the two statements but I struggle to link them together.
I wonder if stanzas 3 and 4 are necessary in their entirety. Two examples of "She did this ..." seems too much.
A country girl,
unsophisticated,
to the end, - maybe two dashes instead of commas?
that day met the lover - I wondered what day you meant. It seemed a long way back tothe beginning of stanza 2.
Outside the window
now, doves chatter
and flutter down - very nice lines
Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
art defined
its own celebration. I think I understand the two statements but I struggle to link them together.
I wonder if stanzas 3 and 4 are necessary in their entirety. Two examples of "She did this ..." seems too much.
A country girl,
unsophisticated,
to the end, - maybe two dashes instead of commas?
that day met the lover - I wondered what day you meant. It seemed a long way back tothe beginning of stanza 2.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Ray - Thanks for your look -
Why "the lost century"? _ (Only because it's gone by - not present now - nothing
mysterious.)
Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
art defined
its own celebration. I think I understand the two statements but I struggle to link them together.
Good point - maybe:
("Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
defined its own
celebration.")
I wonder if stanzas 3 and 4 are necessary in their entirety. Two examples of "She did this ..." seems too much.
"She banished the rules,
strolling the Champs Elysee,
impervious to all attempts
on her confidence;
the bourgeoisie disguised
its stunned vanity
with forced frivolity." - (Possibility)
that day met the lover - I wondered what day you meant. It seemed a long way back to the beginning of stanza 2.
(It refers back to the beginning of St. 4 not 2)
Outside the window
now, - ("now" puts it in present day)
"Morning streets shimmer
after early showers,
reflecting that earlier time" - ("earlier time" is also a clue.)
I appreciate your look and suggestions - RC
Why "the lost century"? _ (Only because it's gone by - not present now - nothing
mysterious.)
Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
art defined
its own celebration. I think I understand the two statements but I struggle to link them together.
Good point - maybe:
("Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
defined its own
celebration.")
I wonder if stanzas 3 and 4 are necessary in their entirety. Two examples of "She did this ..." seems too much.
"She banished the rules,
strolling the Champs Elysee,
impervious to all attempts
on her confidence;
the bourgeoisie disguised
its stunned vanity
with forced frivolity." - (Possibility)
that day met the lover - I wondered what day you meant. It seemed a long way back to the beginning of stanza 2.
(It refers back to the beginning of St. 4 not 2)
Outside the window
now, - ("now" puts it in present day)
"Morning streets shimmer
after early showers,
reflecting that earlier time" - ("earlier time" is also a clue.)
I appreciate your look and suggestions - RC
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JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Enjoyed this, RC, for its brevity and that just bellow the surface feeling I found.
The close is great and quite moving, and if I'm honest, right up my street. It reminded me
of Joe Di Maggio placing flowers on Marilyn's grave till the end.
Pleasure to read
Best
JJ
The close is great and quite moving, and if I'm honest, right up my street. It reminded me
of Joe Di Maggio placing flowers on Marilyn's grave till the end.
Pleasure to read
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
JJ - That daily gesture of Dimaggio's affected me more and stands out in my memory stronger than anything he did in baseball - too bad she didn't get that kind of devotion while she was alive - I have a wall clock I just found in an Albuquerque thrift store - black with gold strings and the billowing subway vent photo of Marilyn on the body - and it actually keeps time - Thanks for your kind words - RC
Hi RC,
I'm wanting to be drawn into your mystique here. I think the problem is partly with "the lost century" (instead of "a lost century", which would diminish its importance as you intended) and "that earlier time" (which I think is important to your story but not well enough described as an event so we can recognize it when it is referred to again in the last stanza).
I do like S3, but maybe you could lose S4? It's full of nominalizations, so sounds stuffy and "telling."
Thanks,
Jackie
I'm wanting to be drawn into your mystique here. I think the problem is partly with "the lost century" (instead of "a lost century", which would diminish its importance as you intended) and "that earlier time" (which I think is important to your story but not well enough described as an event so we can recognize it when it is referred to again in the last stanza).
I do like S3, but maybe you could lose S4? It's full of nominalizations, so sounds stuffy and "telling."
Thanks,
Jackie
It helps if you post a separate revision when you edit. When I go back to look at the changes now, I can't remember how it was before (I know, short memory!).I made some changes
Jackie
I like the idea, RC, but essentially this reads to me like a fairly prosaic description of her and her life. There is one bit of poetry that I see shining in there:
Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
defined its own
celebration
Now you're talking! Or more accurately, perhaps, singing. More singing required.
Cheers
David
Night had turned itself
inside out for her,
defined its own
celebration
Now you're talking! Or more accurately, perhaps, singing. More singing required.
Cheers
David