Tears

[churinga]

When the devil stays the night
and something wells up to the light
and tears roll down before the mirror,

It's not a brook, a sparkling river,
can't float on down to new horizons;
to harbour lights I can rely on.

Tears are slight, won't salt an ocean.
I take deep breaths, reel in emotion.

[Firebird]

Hi Ross,

Sorry to say it but as a whole this poem isn’t working for me. The first stanza isn’t a sentence. The second stanza doesn’t do enough for me and overstates something that could be said much more concisely. I do however quite like the final couplet. It works well for me.

Cheers,

Tristan

[ray miller]

I like it. I'd disagree with Tristan, I think the opening 3 lines constitute a sentence, at least the kind of sentence found in many songs and poems. I'd wish for something other than tears in line 3, you've already got tears in the title and again in line 7, even "then slowly rolls down...."

[HonourStedman]

I do like the first three lines but have to agree that there should not be a full stop at the end because this verse should surely flow into the next. I think that I would have done without the full stop and opened the first word of the second verse with a lower case. For me, the poem seems to falter at the end because although tears may be salty, the ocean itself is already pretty salty to begin with.

[Firebird]

For me, the poem seems to falter at the end because although tears may be salty, the ocean itself is already pretty salty to begin with.

I interpreted this as meaning that the world is full of so much sadness already that a tiny bit more is lost or makes little or no impression at all. I thought it worked quite well, but I suppose you are correct because it says ‘won’t salt an ocean’, as if the ocean needs salt, when it is already full of it. Maybe it should be ‘salt lost in an ocean’. But then the rythme doesn’t really work.

Cheers,

Tristan

[bjondon]

Hi Ross,
I like this (and welcome back!)
Ray's suggestion for L3 makes sense.
Could also be - 'and rolls down slow'
I am wanting L6 to begin with 'can't'.
I think 'salt an ocean' does work. It's
like a song lyric where a hint of ambiguity
or even paradox only improves it, plus
there is the connotation of salting a wound.
Regards,
Jules

[churinga]

Thanks all for commenting.

I have fixed the mistake of V1 not being a sentence.
I know this a minor piece but it is all I have written lately.
I meant 'salt an ocean' to mean add salt to the ocean
since salt is brought into oceans by rivers
but I concede it is a bit odd.

cheers

Ross

[Macavity]

When the devil stays the night
and something wells up to the light

and rolls down before the mirror.
It's not a brook, a sparkling river,

Hi Ross,
I wondered if a 'roll-on' effect could be achieved by using the enjambment across the white space. The title references 'tears' and frames the poem. Do you need the word in L3?

Tears are slight, wont salt an ocean.
I take deep breaths, reel in emotion.

I had no issue with the use of 'salt' here.

cheers

mac

[JJWilliamson]

Tricky subject to write about, Ross, when there's little to account for the tears. Still, an admirable effort, in my opinion, and one that I enjoyed reading.

The punctuation still seems odd to me, and the expected something happened and this is the result didn't materialize. I kept looking for the pay off, even though you could argue that the tears were the result.

When the devil stays the night ...Is 'devil' referring to something specific?
and something wells up to the light ...Is there a reason for this abstract 'something'? Could you say what this something actually is, or not?
and tears roll down before the mirror. ...I'd expect something of consequence to happen at this point. Maybe a comma after 'mirror' leading into the result. EG only "when the devil stays and the tears roll down before the mirror I turn to my pills". Now, I'm not saying this is anywhere near your intent, more that the thought is complete.

It's not a brook, a sparkling river, ...Given my comments on S1, I thought this strophe must be part of a stream of thought or run on sentence, but you close S1 with a full stop, and that could be the source of my confusion.
can't float on down to new horizons; ...I struggled to follow the progression, here.
to harbour lights I can rely on.

Tears are slight, wont salt an ocean. ...Is this 'wont' (definitely a word) or "won't" (also definitely a word). Different meanings, though.
I take deep breaths, reel in emotion. ...'emotion' and 'ocean' is near cliché and I wonder if it's strong enough to close on.

Is this anywhere near your intent? (just to help me get an idea of what you're saying).

When the devil stays the night
and something wells up to the light
and tears roll down before the mirror,

It's not a brook, a sparkling river,
that floats on down to new horizons
to harbour lights I can rely on.

Tears are slight, won't taint an ocean;
I take deep breaths, reel in emotion.

Your meter is spot on, by the way.

Please bear in mind that this is just me asking questions and if I've missed the point altogether the fault is probably mine.

Best

JJ

[churinga]

Hi JJ

It's a slight poem and I had no specific reason why the night in question was a bad night in comparison to others.
I didn't actually cry or look in the mirror that was suggested by the song 'Dimming of the Day', which I am fond of,
it has a line that goes
'I'm drowning in a river of my tears..'
so I took that poetic idea and ran with it.

Wont is a typo, I have fixed it.

kind regards

Ross

[capricorn]

Hi Ross, good to see you back. A few thoughts-

When the devil stays the night perhaps 'stays all night'
and something wells up to the light
I feel the reader needs more than 'something' in L2 -darkness/sadness
and tears roll down before the mirror. perhaps change and to 'so'

It's not a brook, a sparkling river,
can't float on down to new horizons;
to harbour lights I can rely on.

Tears are slight, won't salt an ocean.
I take deep breaths, reel in emotion.

[churinga]

Hi Eira

I think 'stays the night' means 'all night', I don't think the distinction is important.
It is a brief poem so lots of details are left out, 'something' is very vague, I will try to fix that.
'so' could work but I think causation is implied, 'and' works just as well.
I try to avoid logical operators eg so, and, but, with, then, they are usually implied, sometimes the meter needs a filler so they creep in.

Thanks for commenting.

kind regards

Ross

[CalebPerry]

When the devil stays the night
and something wells up to the light
and tears roll down before the mirror.

It's not a brook, a sparkling river,
can't float on down to new horizons;
to harbour lights I can rely on.

Tears are slight, won't salt an ocean.
I take deep breaths, reel in emotion.

You said you fixed the first stanza so it is a complete sentence, but it isn't. The same is true of the second stanza. I think that good sentence structure would clarify the meaning a little, although I was able to figure it out.

The language sounds self-conscious and a little vague. In the second line, "something" apprently means an emotion that hasn't identified itself yet, but "well up to the light" suggests that you know what the emotion is. (The cliché is that light clarifies things, so if the emotion is welling to the light, it is becoming clear.) Starting the second stanza with "It's" is a little vague . I assume you mean "tears", in which case you would want to say "They're". Or does "it" mean the emotion?

The seventh line is interesting but has a problem. Tears are "slight" when compared to the ocean, but in the first stanza you say the tears "roll down", which suggests they aren't slight. I understand that the context has changed, but even so, it's a little confusing. I think that if you are going to write about vague emotions, the language itself shouldn't be vague.

[churinga]

Hi Perry

I thought I'd fixed that comma, I have now.
I have responded to similar crits in previous replies.
I don't have anything to add, except that it doesn't seek to explain the situation
but simple elaborate on it via symbolism and word play.

Thanks for commenting

kind regards

Ross

[ton321]

When the devil stays the night
and something wells up to the light
and tears roll down before the mirror,

It's not a brook, a sparkling river,
can't float on down to new horizons;
to harbour lights I can rely on.

Tears are slight, won't salt an ocean.
I take deep breaths, reel in emotion.

Hi Ross,

I liked this. There,s something subtle and mysterious about this piece and demands re-reading, but I think it needs earthing and grounding, a few more details, or clues about whats going on,
Tony

[churinga]

Hi Ton

That seems to be the general consensus, folks like it but want more.
What can I say, there isn't any more,
being 'enigmatic and mysterious' wasn't my intention
but if that is the effect on you I am pleased.
I find life utterly mysterious and enigmatic.

Thanks for commenting

cheers

Ross.

[David]

I think the opening 3 lines constitute a sentence, at least the kind of sentence found in many songs and poems.

Yes, I'd go along with that. This would make a very nice song lyric. I would definitely lose L8, though. It's the worst sort of dull unnecessary editorial comment.

And that would give you a nicely asymmetrical 7 lines. Although it's asymmetrical already.

Cheers

David

[churinga]

HI David

I don't see the last line as 'editorial comment', it is a continuation of the poets situation, the action he takes to try and control the meltdown.
Without it there would be no concluding rhyme, the last line would stand out as a false note

cheers

Ross

[David]

Hi Ross. Yes, I can see the rhyming argument.

Cheers

David