First Date (second version, more rhymes)

[CalebPerry]

Second version:

They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, “Will that hold?”
“Oh yes — if this were going to fail,
it would have happened years ago.”
She pushed against the balustrade .....[or] And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone.
The police believed him, but still —
I wouldn't want to be that bloke.


Thoughts:

I switched in a line with the word "balustrade" in it, which I think sounds nice, but I wonder if that word is too fancy. The original line had "rim" in it, but there is no part of a railing called a "rim", but I think the reader will know what I mean. I didn't want to use "rail" or "handrail" in place of "rim" because I use the term "rail" a few lines up.

There is one off-rhyme in the poem -- hold/ago -- but I think it works.

The line ending with "gone" can be removed, but I like it because it cushions the ending. Having humanized the woman by giving her more dialogue, I'm now concerned that the ending seems all the more crass.

First version:

They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, “Is that safe?”
“Yes, I've been doing this for years!”
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone.
The police believed him, but still —
I wouldn't want to be that bloke.

-end-

True story -- Jennifer Rosoff, died August 1, 2013, New York City. The humorous ending may seem a little harsh, but it was the best I could come up with. Beyond "don't lean on railings", there is no moral to the story. It turns out the railing was poorly made, with each bar of the railing attached with two small welds or rivets. The railing was 80 years old.



She landed on the wooden scaffolding.

[Firebird]

Finish it on ‘gone’. It made me smile there.

They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air.
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, “Is that safe?”
“Yes, I've been doing this for years!”
And she bounced a little on the rim
to show him it was strong, and it broke,
and in an instant she was gone.

Cheers,

Tristan

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, Tristan.

This is perhaps the first poem I've posted which, in my opinion, can be cut down a little and still have a decent ending.

I feel a little strange for having written a humorous poem about someone's accidental death, and hearing that the poem made you "smile" makes me feel doubly strange. She was apparently a nice person, and attractive too, at 35 years old.






The corner she was leaning back against, which collapsed. She fell backwards.
The string of Christmas lights wasn't enough to hold the railing together.
(God, I'm sick. I'm still making jokes about it.)

[Firebird]

Hi Perry,

It’s a bit of tragic comedy. I can’t say why it made me smile, because I kind of knew it was coming. But it did. It’s a funny thing humour.

Cheers,

Tristan

[ray miller]

Shame the rhyme is absent in the middle. I think you need the ending as it is, the final line saves the poem for me.

[CalebPerry]

Rhymes are a big problem for me. I don't like the restriction of rhyming, but I like their sound, so I'll write out a poem in blank verse and then change a few words to throw in some rhymes in random places, but that doesn't satisfy sophisticated readers. I've already tried to come up with a rhyme for the middle of the poem and wasn't able to. I'll keep working at it.

[JJWilliamson]

Good story and more than believable, Perry.

I've added a few possibilities/ideas for your perusal, whilst trying to maintain the rhymes and slant rhymes. Take or toss as you see fit.

They saw a show, they kissed; the chance
of coupling was definitely there —
but first, a drink and then a smoke
on her terrace fifteen stories in the air. ..."on her balcony in the air"
She leaned against the rail, her back
to the void, and he balked, “Is that safe?”
“Yes, I've been doing this for years!” ..."Yes, but it's sometimes a little bit slack"
And she bounced a little on the rim ..."on the rail"
to show him it was strong, and it broke, ..."then it broke"
and in an instant she was gone. ...and in an instant Jennifer fell.
The police believed him, but still — ...The cops believed his pitch, but still
I wouldn't want to be that bloke.

An astonishing story, when push comes to shove.

JJ

-end-

True story -- Jennifer Rosoff, died August 1, 2013, New York City. The humorous ending may seem a little harsh, but it was the best I could come up with. Beyond "don't lean on railings", there is no moral to the story. It turns out the railing was poorly made, with each bar of the railing attached with two small welds or rivets. The railing was 80 years old.



She landed on the wooden scaffolding.

[CalebPerry]

Thank you for your suggestions, JJ. I appreciate them.

[churinga]

Hi Perry

You do need to find a rhyme for the second verse. 'safe' is not the easiest word to rhyme so it may require rearranging the whole of the second quatrain.
The meter is a bit out in places too.
I liked the subject matter and the photos are very interesting.
The black humour is fine.

cheers

Ross

[CalebPerry]

You do need to find a rhyme for the second verse. 'safe' is not the easiest word to rhyme so it may require rearranging the whole of the second quatrain.
The meter is a bit out in places too.
I liked the subject matter and the photos are very interesting.
The black humour is fine.

Thank you, Ross.

So you don't agree with my philosophy to take what rhymes I can get without allowing the rhymes to control the language. I have done that all my life. You are a poet, so you have expectations. I wonder how someone would react who wasn't a poet and had no expectations. However, perhaps I shouldn't be focussed on such people, since it may be that poets are the biggest readers of poetry.

I hadn't intended to rhyme at all, but the "there/air" rhyme popped out naturally. I then felt that I had to throw in a couple other rhymes to satisfy expectations. But that resulted in a poem with inconsistencies.

I learned a huge amount from Robert Hayden's "Those Winter Sundays". That poem is neither metered nor rhymed, but the rhythms are regular, so it almost sounds metered. With both meter and rhyme, I've been trying to do something similar -- i.e., put in enough rhythm to make the language sound pleasing, and throwing in the occasional rhyme for emphasis and harmony. But to people whose expectations are easily triggered, that technique just causes confusion.

[churinga]

Hi Perry

Using hold and ago as rhyming words is a stretch but I think it's OK, purists would disagree.

'balustrade' is exactly the right word.

The last 'verse' is a cinquain, this would also worry the purists.

I still think it is a little jerky.

cheers

Ross

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, Ross.

I'm not sure what you mean by "jerky". Do you mean the rhythm?

A full scan of the poem does show that it is a little choppy.

they SAW / a SHOW / they KISSED / the CHANCE
of COUP / ling was DEF / i NITE / ly THERE —
but FIRST / a DRINK / and THEN / a SMOKE
on her TER / race FIF / teen STOR / ies IN / the AIR. [pentameter]
she LEANED / a GAINST / the RAIL / her BACK
to the VOID / and he BALKED / “Will THAT HOLD?” [trimeter]
“Oh YES — / if THIS / were GO / ing to FAIL,
it WOULD / have HAP / pened YEARS / a GO.”
she PUSHED / a GAINST / the BAL / us TRADE
to SHOW / him IT / was STRONG / and it BROKE,
and IN / an IN / stant SHE / was GONE.
the po LICE / be LIEVED / him, but STILL — [trimeter]
I WOULD / n't WANT / to BE / that BLOKE.

(I see anapests as acceptible substitutions for iambs.)

I'll work on smoothing it out.

[churinga]

Hi again


to the void, and he balked, “Will that hold?”

to show him it was strong, and it broke,



These two lines are for me jerky, created by a combination of word choice and the breaking of the line's rhythm by the use of short phrases. Plus in the first example a line that is too long.

The cinquain also disrupts the rhythm because the rhyme scheme does not follow the pattern already set, you have a gap of two lines between the rhyme end words, broke/bloke instead of one line.

cheers

Ross

[CalebPerry]

Thank you for staying with the poem, Ross. I agree with you, and I'll work on those things.

[capricorn]

I like the change to balustrade, Perry. As you say rim didn't quite fit.

Eira

[CalebPerry]

Thank you, Eira. In trying to come up with the proper word, I discovered that the word "rail" can refer to the whole thing AND to the top rail (or handrail) AND to any horizontal rails below the handrail. Balustrade is, in my opinion, too fancy a word for the poem, but it's the only one that fits.

Ross, it has occurred to me that if I go back to the original version, but keep the new line with "balustrade" in it, safe/balustrade is an off-rhyme (a vowel rhyme), and it may be enough. Furthermore, I have the internal rhyme strong/gone, which contributes to the harmony. I may have to be satisfied with that.