This perishable spring, this gifted flow;
slow at the mouth and emerging
into the sea's solid window
and the shaken skirts of cloud.
In the raven's eye expect no sympathy.
Hunger rules, the heart spectates.
The mind spins; wakes useless
before the venom of the sun.
Caught in cross-haired scopes
and lost kingdoms of control;
hope wanders like cows to the dairy,
blank eyed and lowing at the gates.
Tipping Point
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CalebPerry
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The language sounds sophisticated and profound, perhaps too much given that you are only writing about nature. Also, the subject seems to change in each stanza. First, you are writing about a spring, and then about a raven. In the third stanza, hope seems to be the subject, although I'm not sure how it ties in with the spring and the raven.
I am reminded of Frost's "Spring Pools". Nature poems seem to work best when they dwell on one small (and perhaps ironic) aspect of nature. I guess what I'm saying is that your focus in the poem seems to wander. Of course, as I've said before, I am literal-minded, so perhaps I've missed the meaning.
I am reminded of Frost's "Spring Pools". Nature poems seem to work best when they dwell on one small (and perhaps ironic) aspect of nature. I guess what I'm saying is that your focus in the poem seems to wander. Of course, as I've said before, I am literal-minded, so perhaps I've missed the meaning.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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churinga
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Hi Perry
The poem is about the effects of climate change in Australia. The Great Barrier Reef corals haves already gone, now large areas of agricultural land are permanent desert, The statistics are frightening. We are a small nation in population and influence, there is nothing we can do about it.
cheers
Ross
The poem is about the effects of climate change in Australia. The Great Barrier Reef corals haves already gone, now large areas of agricultural land are permanent desert, The statistics are frightening. We are a small nation in population and influence, there is nothing we can do about it.
cheers
Ross
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CalebPerry
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Given that the Reef is not specifically mentioned in the poem or title, I can't blame myself for not getting it. Now that I know, I think I understand most of the lines.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Hi Ross,
'Eco-trowelling' is an occupational hazard, but I think this one
clears the bar by virtue both of its unmitigated bitterness and
your strategy of piling incongruous simile on disconcerting
metaphors..
I stumble a bit on the combo of window and skirts - both original
and effective in their own right. It could be simply 'shaken down clouds'.
I'm sure the disconcertion/inversion is intended, it's just a question
of whether the dischord sits right.
It occasions a pause for thought, as does the question of who or what
is looking down the scope at us dairy cattle. Shaking out skirts has an abrupt,
impatient connotation, so it does kind of fit with a dismissive deity
shrugging off our 'perishable spring'.
A moving piece.
Jules
p.s. the mind spins' is quite clichéd, 'runs on' might work.
'Eco-trowelling' is an occupational hazard, but I think this one
clears the bar by virtue both of its unmitigated bitterness and
your strategy of piling incongruous simile on disconcerting
metaphors..
I stumble a bit on the combo of window and skirts - both original
and effective in their own right. It could be simply 'shaken down clouds'.
I'm sure the disconcertion/inversion is intended, it's just a question
of whether the dischord sits right.
It occasions a pause for thought, as does the question of who or what
is looking down the scope at us dairy cattle. Shaking out skirts has an abrupt,
impatient connotation, so it does kind of fit with a dismissive deity
shrugging off our 'perishable spring'.
A moving piece.
Jules
p.s. the mind spins' is quite clichéd, 'runs on' might work.
-
CalebPerry
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Writing a poem about the barrier reef is never going to be easy because it isn't a personal thing. We know the reef is dying, but that is only on the reports of scientists. Your average person has no contact with it. My tendency would be to look for a personal angle, or to find something ironic or poignant, but the subject doesn't lend itself to those approaches.
"Shaken skirts" reminds me of Longfellow's Snow-flakes -- "Out of the cloud-folds of her garments shaken".
Then there is a sharp-eyed raven, a venemous sun, the scope of a rifle, and cows wandering to a dairy. I understand that these are all metaphors, but I'm not sure of the connection to the reef. However, I'm not going to suggest you change your poem because I couldn't come up with anything better. Perhaps connecting the loss of the reef to all those things is the right approach. After all, they say that everything in the universe is connected. My only real suggestion is that you put something in the poem -- perhaps a quote under the title -- to let the reader know that you are writing about the reef.
For whatever it's worth, my visceral reaction to the poem is that I like the commanding sound of the language, but I'm not making all the connections.
"Shaken skirts" reminds me of Longfellow's Snow-flakes -- "Out of the cloud-folds of her garments shaken".
Then there is a sharp-eyed raven, a venemous sun, the scope of a rifle, and cows wandering to a dairy. I understand that these are all metaphors, but I'm not sure of the connection to the reef. However, I'm not going to suggest you change your poem because I couldn't come up with anything better. Perhaps connecting the loss of the reef to all those things is the right approach. After all, they say that everything in the universe is connected. My only real suggestion is that you put something in the poem -- perhaps a quote under the title -- to let the reader know that you are writing about the reef.
For whatever it's worth, my visceral reaction to the poem is that I like the commanding sound of the language, but I'm not making all the connections.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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JJWilliamson
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- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
I find myself nodding along with Perry's critique, Ross. I liked the language and gravity but found the connections too much of a leap
to fully grasp the significance.
The thing is, the poem seems to carry an important observation, one which laments something, which warns of catastrophe, but that something remains just out of reach for me.
Best
JJ
to fully grasp the significance.
The thing is, the poem seems to carry an important observation, one which laments something, which warns of catastrophe, but that something remains just out of reach for me.
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
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churinga
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Hi Jules
Apologies to all as i have been without the internet for several weeks.
I stumble a bit on the combo of window and skirts - both original
and effective in their own right.
I was thinking of the skirts in a can can, as the scene this was based on ( seen on TV) had that look.
It occasions a pause for thought, as does the question of who or what
is looking down the scope at us dairy cattle.
The cattle image refers to hope, the preceding images, scope and kingdoms are seperate ideas.
p.s. the mind spins' is quite clichéd, 'runs on' might work.
I also thought the phrase a bit hackneyed, I was thinking of wheels spinning in sand but i agree it is a weak phraee however you look at it.
Thanks for commenting.
cheers
Ross
Apologies to all as i have been without the internet for several weeks.
I stumble a bit on the combo of window and skirts - both original
and effective in their own right.
I was thinking of the skirts in a can can, as the scene this was based on ( seen on TV) had that look.
It occasions a pause for thought, as does the question of who or what
is looking down the scope at us dairy cattle.
The cattle image refers to hope, the preceding images, scope and kingdoms are seperate ideas.
p.s. the mind spins' is quite clichéd, 'runs on' might work.
I also thought the phrase a bit hackneyed, I was thinking of wheels spinning in sand but i agree it is a weak phraee however you look at it.
Thanks for commenting.
cheers
Ross
-
churinga
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Hi Perry
The poem is not about the Great Barrier Reef, the corals have already gone, 75% gone according to the latest science. I snorkelled off Cairns 2 years ago and it was so sad to see it so destroyed, like a city hit by an atomic bomb.
But the loss of the corals (which are only 5% of the G.B. Reef) are a minor loss.
We are losing everything due to lack of water, it is catastrophic. I have relatives on cattle stations who have lost everything.
I tried via the first verse to show how deceptive climate change is, how gradual, so that a large river joining the sea looks just fine, but may soon 'perish'.
It is very disturbing to see new deserts being created in one's lifetime.
And it seems to be effecting everyone but in different ways with extreme weather events doubling since 1980.
There is always the danger of getting too alarmist but I am very pessimistic for Australia's future.
cheers
Ross
The poem is not about the Great Barrier Reef, the corals have already gone, 75% gone according to the latest science. I snorkelled off Cairns 2 years ago and it was so sad to see it so destroyed, like a city hit by an atomic bomb.
But the loss of the corals (which are only 5% of the G.B. Reef) are a minor loss.
We are losing everything due to lack of water, it is catastrophic. I have relatives on cattle stations who have lost everything.
I tried via the first verse to show how deceptive climate change is, how gradual, so that a large river joining the sea looks just fine, but may soon 'perish'.
It is very disturbing to see new deserts being created in one's lifetime.
And it seems to be effecting everyone but in different ways with extreme weather events doubling since 1980.
There is always the danger of getting too alarmist but I am very pessimistic for Australia's future.
cheers
Ross
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churinga
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Hi JJ
I hope my reply to Perry answers your misgivings about the poem. I would say catastrophe is about 5 years away for my country. But other nations will be a lot less impacted. We are so vulnerable being already the 'driest continent'.
cheers
Ross
I hope my reply to Perry answers your misgivings about the poem. I would say catastrophe is about 5 years away for my country. But other nations will be a lot less impacted. We are so vulnerable being already the 'driest continent'.
cheers
Ross
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CalebPerry
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Ross, you're right -- you didn't say the poem was specifically about the reef.
I am an environmentalist too. My focus is on recycling, since recycling is one of the few ways that the average person can help the environment. Here in the U.S., we are probably recycling 5% of what we could recycle. But my focus on this thread has been on your poem. You need to make it clear, either in the title or the subtitle or the poem itself, what you are writing about.
As for the world, I think it is already destroyed. Even if we stopped polluting the environment today, it would take centuries for the environment to heal. But we are not going to stop polluting today -- it is going to go on for the next century or two. The future looks extremely bleak.
However, there are hopeful developments. Did you know that houses can be built which are COMPLETELY off the grid? Electricity comes from the sun, heat and cooling come from the ground, and pure water can be filtered from the air. Unfortunately, to make all those technologies work requires a lot of dangerous chemicals.
I am an environmentalist too. My focus is on recycling, since recycling is one of the few ways that the average person can help the environment. Here in the U.S., we are probably recycling 5% of what we could recycle. But my focus on this thread has been on your poem. You need to make it clear, either in the title or the subtitle or the poem itself, what you are writing about.
As for the world, I think it is already destroyed. Even if we stopped polluting the environment today, it would take centuries for the environment to heal. But we are not going to stop polluting today -- it is going to go on for the next century or two. The future looks extremely bleak.
However, there are hopeful developments. Did you know that houses can be built which are COMPLETELY off the grid? Electricity comes from the sun, heat and cooling come from the ground, and pure water can be filtered from the air. Unfortunately, to make all those technologies work requires a lot of dangerous chemicals.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
-
churinga
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- Joined: Sun Mar 04, 2018 12:54 am
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Hi Eira
I agree 'the mind spins' is too trite. It is depressing but I am not without hope.
Sorry for not answering sooner. I can't read for long these days so have had give up this and other sites.
cheers
Ross
I agree 'the mind spins' is too trite. It is depressing but I am not without hope.
Sorry for not answering sooner. I can't read for long these days so have had give up this and other sites.
cheers
Ross
This is great;
In the raven's eye expect no sympathy.
Hunger rules, the heart spectates.
The mind spins; wakes useless
before the venom of the sun.
This doesn’t need to be exclusively about the GBR - it’s about ecological disbiosis in general. But I agree, perhaps it’s too generic to be compelling enough.
Luke
In the raven's eye expect no sympathy.
Hunger rules, the heart spectates.
The mind spins; wakes useless
before the venom of the sun.
This doesn’t need to be exclusively about the GBR - it’s about ecological disbiosis in general. But I agree, perhaps it’s too generic to be compelling enough.
Luke
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churinga
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Hi Luke
It is not about the GBR. That idea was a misinterpretation of a comment I made to Perry which I explained in a reply. Looking at the poem now I realise it asks too much of the reader in terms of logical leaps but i did like the language so that's what prompted me to post it, I probably should have included a set of instructions.
Thanks for commenting
all the best
Ross
It is not about the GBR. That idea was a misinterpretation of a comment I made to Perry which I explained in a reply. Looking at the poem now I realise it asks too much of the reader in terms of logical leaps but i did like the language so that's what prompted me to post it, I probably should have included a set of instructions.
Thanks for commenting
all the best
Ross
This perishable spring, this gifted flow; - intriguing opening line - its contradiction and forward movement.
slow at the mouth and emerging
into the sea's solid window - because of the use of "solid" the image doesn't make it for me - I think of turbulent movement when it's the sea
and the shaken skirts of cloud. - Like this a lot
In the raven's eye expect no sympathy. - has an ominous lilt to it
Hunger rules, the heart spectates.
The mind spins; wakes useless
before the venom of the sun. - early morning sun in sleepy eyes can sting indeed.
Caught in cross-haired scopes
and lost kingdoms of control;
hope wanders like cows to the dairy,
blank eyed and lowing at the gates. - Then we're truly lost. It's a solid piece - RC
slow at the mouth and emerging
into the sea's solid window - because of the use of "solid" the image doesn't make it for me - I think of turbulent movement when it's the sea
and the shaken skirts of cloud. - Like this a lot
In the raven's eye expect no sympathy. - has an ominous lilt to it
Hunger rules, the heart spectates.
The mind spins; wakes useless
before the venom of the sun. - early morning sun in sleepy eyes can sting indeed.
Caught in cross-haired scopes
and lost kingdoms of control;
hope wanders like cows to the dairy,
blank eyed and lowing at the gates. - Then we're truly lost. It's a solid piece - RC