Squid

[JamesM]

Squid

Look at what you've come to now:
plook-eyed and gutted, dumped
sloppily on beds of crushed ice.

Such a far cry from your feeding grounds-
those heady days of teasing then leaving
them for dead- And for what?

No candled vigils, no eulogies
save for this supermarket noon
and endless jazz. My flaccid Cassanova,

this milky syllable all that lingers
of your flit and flirt: a spumy tongue
of surf lapping low-tide flotsom.

Tampons, spent Alcopops, used condoms.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi James,
enjoyed the read, entertaining language throughout.
(spelling: Casanova, flotsam.)

Squid

Look at what you've come to now:
- do you need the 'now' ? Isn't it implied by 'Look at ...' ?
plook-eyed and gutted, dumped
- love 'plook-eyed and gutted', comic and tragic simultaneously.
sloppily on beds of crushed ice.
- 'sloppily' is redundant after 'dumped', isn't it?
Just a thought.
Look at what you've come to:
plook-eyed and dumped,
gutted, on beds of crushed ice.


Such a far cry from your feeding grounds-
- maybe 'So far from ...' ?
those heady days of teasing then leaving
them for dead- And for what?
- do you need the 'And' ?
A far cry from your feeding grounds-
heady days of teasing, leaving them
for dead - And for what?

No candled vigils, no eulogies
save for this supermarket noon
and endless jazz. My flaccid Cassanova,
- intrigued by 'My'

this milky syllable all that lingers
- 'milky syllable' very nice (and only slightly disgusting
after 'flaccid Casanova)
of your flit and flirt: a spumy tongue
of surf lapping low-tide flotsom.

Tampons, spent Alcopops, used condoms.
- Not convinced by the last two lines.
Maybe, either cut the last line entirely, or
of your flit and flirt: a spumy tongue
of surf lapping tampons, Alcopops,

condoms, low-tide flotsam.


Regards, Not
p.s (felt sure the was going to be a 'squirt' to pair with the 'flirt')



.

[CalebPerry]

I mostly like this poem, but especially like the idea of it. I like the way it starts -- i.e., the first stanza -- but I feel that the second stanza needs to provide more of a contrast with the first:

Look at what you've come to now:
plook-eyed and gutted, dumped
sloppily on beds of crushed ice.

Such a far cry from your feeding grounds-
those heady days of teasing then leaving
them for dead- And for what? [not sure I get "teasing" and then "leaving them for dead" -- perhaps I need to read up on squids]

Instead of the second stanza that you've written, why not something like:

"Such a far cry from what you used to be"

and then describe the gracefulness of the squid moving through the water, the life and vitality of the squid before it became food -- and then continue with the rest of the poem.

No candled vigils, no eulogies
save for this supermarket noon
and endless jazz. My flaccid Cassanova, [why "noon"? and what does "jazz" have to do with it?]

this milky syllable all that lingers
of your flit and flirt: a spumy tongue
of surf lapping low-tide flotsom.

Tampons, spent Alcopops, used condoms. [I like the ending, with the squid becoming "flotsam"]

It is sad what human beings are doing to the oceans. Tampons, used condoms, pop bottles and rubber flip-flops have become the ocean's new wildlife. The human population has doubled in my lifetime.

[JJWilliamson]

Hi, James

I've removed the duplicated poem for you. No prob's, I've done the same thing myself.

I enjoyed the poem, although I was a bit puzzled in places.

Squid

Look at what you've come to now: ...Good opening hook
plook-eyed and gutted, dumped ...Great line
sloppily on beds of crushed ice. ...Would something like "slapped" help to retain the sonic effect. As it stands I feel 'sloppily' is a bit of a mouthful.

Such a far cry from your feeding grounds-
those heady days of teasing then leaving
them for dead- And for what? ...Got a bit lost with this strophe, well, the last two lines.

No candled vigils, no eulogies
save for this supermarket noon
and endless jazz. My flaccid Cassanova, ...Definitely smacks of sexual innuendo. Is this intended? Is there an extended metaphor at work here?

this milky syllable all that lingers ...Almost a confirmation, but I'm not making the link yet.
of your flit and flirt: a spumy tongue
of surf lapping low-tide flotsom.

Tampons, spent Alcopops, used condoms. ...I liked Not's suggestion for the close.

Overall, a very interesting and different read. That's a genuine compliment, not faint praise.

Best

JJ

[JamesM]

Thankyou all
I've been living with this for a few months and it is d to have fresh eyes and ears.
Not, I m on the mobile and will need more time to d to everything. But firstly, thanks for the new ending. Much improved. r other points ill get back to.
Perry, thanks for taking a look at this, and JJ. I'll get back in more detail on the PC.

[Harbal]

When I first read the poem I wondered if there was a sexual connotation to it. Then NotQuiteSure said, "felt sure the was going to be a 'squirt to pair with the 'flirt", which made me think he also wondered the same thing. When JJ said, "Definitely smacks of sexual innuendo", that more or less clinched it; although I think it fair to say he was aiding and abetting you by previously saying, "Would something like "slapped" help to retain the sonic effect. As it stands I feel 'sloppily' is a bit of a mouthful".

This is, as I'm coming to realise, the magic of poetry. When a dead squid on a fish monger's counter can be turned into an event, you know that something special is happening.

I like the poem, James, and I think it has furthered my understanding of what poetry can do.

[Macavity]

Good one James. Especially liked S1. Some of the internal rhyme draws attention to itself, particularly the concluding line of tampons/condoms(which I woud dump and so keep the focus on that defining supermarket image).

cheers

mac

[JamesM]

Thanks Harbal,
high praise indeed. glad that you got something from it.

Macavity, thanks. That ending was the most recent and troubling part, and my intentions don't seem to be coming across. Not's revised ending cleans it up nicely but, not the metaphoric leap I'm pushing for.

Perry, I fear this is not a poem to your taste. It is trying to be quite realistically descriptive but, at the same time asking for significant metaphoric leaps.

"Such a far cry from what you used to be"

Yes, I thought I was already saying that though clearly my wording is confusing you.
I'm glad you mentioned trying to describe the previous life of the squid. I also thought I was doing that but did toy with the idea of a more fulsome description. To be honest I panicked a bit, being afraid of losing the momentum. It also highlights my limitations and I shied away from too much exploring.

Thanks JJ, I'll take praise in whatever form it comes. Glad you enjoyed it.

Not, thanks again for a thorough going over. Very useful points and observations. I am married to that, 'sloppily' for all the right reasons: sonics, sense, etc...but it may have to go. 'So far from' doesn't do as much work as 'Such a far cry...' which has that sense of distance and 'How the mighty have fallen...' 'My' is really only a note of affection, as you might say: 'My little sweetie' Although, I admittedly am implicated in the less than admirable life of the squid.
Thanks everyone for taking the time. Much appreciated.
James

[lotus]

Squid

Look at what you've come to now:
plook-eyed and gutted, dumped
sloppily on beds of crushed ice.

Such a far cry from your feeding grounds-
those heady days of teasing then leaving
them for dead- And for what?

No candled vigils, no eulogies
save for this supermarket noon
and endless jazz. My flaccid Cassanova,

this milky syllable all that lingers
of your flit and flirt: a spumy tongue
of surf lapping low-tide flotsom.

Tampons, spent Alcopops, used condoms.

dear James

this is the version i found on my first read


an esoteric stage lit scene
and sounds of incantations

very fine p0eming

silent lotus

~

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi James.

re. 'sloppily' - perhaps switch to the adjectival form? (And reconsider 'crushed').

Such a far cry...'which has that sense of distance and 'How the mighty have fallen...'
Fair enough, but I think you could cut 'Such' and still keep the sense.

'My' is really only a note of affection,
It was the that the adjective was being used affectionately that made me smile.

Regards, Not.


.

[JamesM]

Thanks Lotus, for the reand and positive reaction.

Not, I'm unsure what you mean by using 'sloppy'. In any event my resolve seems to be stiffening as regards 'sloppily. Obviously I have a rythym in my head and the emjambment with 'dumped' provides enough impetus to push on to 'crushed ice'. It may, in the end, just be a matter of personal preference and time may disabuse me of that reluctance. Perry's comments about broadening the previous life descriptions is becoming more appealing also. I think i need to flesh it out as it is central to the whole metaphorical flight of fancy that I'm aiming for. In any event, thanks again for coming back to this.
regards

[Joao]

I once read somewhere about a woman getting 'pregnant' with baby squids after eating calamari. They hadn't gutted the squid properly, so it squirted eggs that became embedded in her gums and tongue. I never thought that I would one day say: she had it easy, as far as mating with squids goes...

I like this a lot, James, though I'm with Perry in wondering if there shouldn't be bit more detail about his heyday: the excellent lament of his fallen state falls a bit flat without it, I think. (Easier said than done, I'm sure).

I especially like the 'supermarket noon', 'leaving them for dead', 'flaccid Casanova', and 'flit and flirt', though 'syllable' and the last two lines are still a mystery to me.

L1S3 (which strikes me a bit as a parody of Anthem for Doomed Youth) is a bit too surreal and jars with the very effective mix of realism and fanciful language throughout the poem.

Really enjoyed reading this.

Best,
Joao

[JamesM]

Hello Joao
That's quite the squid tale- definitely a poem in that too.
I've tentatively begun extending the previous life section. In fact I already had it but wasn't sufficiently happy with it. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Very informative and helpful.
Regards

[Poet]

Nice message. Though I think that the poem is interesting because of the content. Good stuff, keep up the good work.

[bjondon]

An interesting, and if my interp is right, daring piece.
The first stanza is superb, wouldn't change anything.
The tone seems world weary and self-disgusted or self -disappointed
(though without the last line it is just possible to read the N as female
which would change everything). To me that 'syllable' seems inwardly
directed, perhaps an aging Lothario, perhaps post-wank - as much 'squib' as 'squid'.
There's plenty of sex here but it's all on the gloopy, flaccid side - which feels
quite original and playful.
You are hanging onto your misspellings, which could (just) be justified by
the extra sibilance in Cassanova; the almost obscene end-list of gape-mouthed o's:
flotsom,tampons,spent Alcopops, used condoms - Maybe add an 's' to flotsom?
Don't see why that last line is a separate sentence/stanza and not just rolling on from a comma.

S1 - 'gutted, dumped' - makes me think he has a beer gut and has been dumped ; even 'plook-eyed'
you think of baggy, bloodshot eyes. That 'dumped'-linebreak-'sloppily' catches perfectly
the fall and squish of the dead squid. Great cadence to the whole stanza.
S2 - 'feeding' sounds quite greedy, even creepy (which is good!)
'And for what?' doesn't sound quite right to me.
S3 - 'candled' is an odd word choice (why not candle lit?).
It struck me 'moon' might be better than 'noon' ( There was this amazing thing on tv about
earth seen at night by satellites - apparently vast squid-fishing fleets stand out a mile, especially
off the coast of Mexico - they suspend huge arc-lights over the sea, the squid swarm to the surface
thinking it's full moon and get scooped up by the ton).
There is a sense with 'my flaccid Cassanova' he is addressing his own limp dick/lost potency
(while standing alone in a supermarket looking at this squid) but I can't quite travel from the image
of candle light vigils and eulogies to this lament. In point of fact (contradicting myself here) I'm not
sure this kind of guy would think in such terms of comic irony . . . so it really does make sense if this
is actually a woman thinking semi-affectionately of her hopeless (and highly self-regarding) lover. . .
though that transition of mood at the end to semi invective puzzles (it seems almost misogynistic).

The searching, searing honesty here feels valuable, but trying to position where it's coming from
is troubling. If this is from a male perspective I don't feel we really understand where he is coming from.
That shift to a 'low-tide' scene is also a bit of a confusion/distraction when the rest seems to be located in the supermarket.
But it's an enjoyable read, the nabokovian exuberance and detail of the language what I mostly liked.
Jules

[JamesM]

Thank you for really getting your teeth into this. Apologies for the late response.

An interesting, and if my interp is right, daring piece.
The first stanza is superb, wouldn't change anything.
I was leaning towards not changing anything so, a vote of approval is good.
The tone seems world weary and self-disgusted or self -disappointed
(though without the last line it is just possible to read the N as female
which would change everything). To me that 'syllable' seems inwardly
directed, perhaps an aging Lothario, perhaps post-wank - as much 'squib' as 'squid'.
There's plenty of sex here but it's all on the gloopy, flaccid side - which feels
quite original and playful.
you've raised an interesting question about the gender of N. They are like the N in a novel, omnipresent
, atemporal providing an editorial perspective. I hadn't thought of the gender though
now I'm beginning to wonder to what extent they are implicated in
the analysis of the squids downfall.
You are hanging onto your misspellings, which could (just) be justified by
the extra sibilance in Cassanova; the almost obscene end-list of gape-mouthed o's:
flotsom,tampons,spent Alcopops, used condoms - Maybe add an 's' to flotsom?
Don't see why that last line is a separate sentence/stanza and not just rolling on from a comma.
Glad that came across (no pun intended). I liked how they mirrored to some extent
the lapping waves.

S1 - 'gutted, dumped' - makes me think he has a beer gut and has been dumped ; even 'plook-eyed'
you think of baggy, bloodshot eyes. That 'dumped'-linebreak-'sloppily' catches perfectly
the fall and squish of the dead squid. Great cadence to the whole stanza.
S2 - 'feeding' sounds quite greedy, even creepy (which is good!)
'And for what?' doesn't sound quite right to me.
Yeah, people are stumbling on the unexplored previous life, justifiablely so.
I'm addressing that now in the rewrite.
S3 - 'candled' is an odd word choice (why not candle lit?).
Yeah. I don't know why I chose that form. I'll think about it.
It struck me 'moon' might be better than 'noon' ( There was this amazing thing on tv about
earth seen at night by satellites - apparently vast squid-fishing fleets stand out a mile, especially
off the coast of Mexico - they suspend huge arc-lights over the sea, the squid swarm to the surface
thinking it's full moon and get scooped up by the ton).
Love that image. That's another poem though. 'Noon' refers to the strip lighting in the supermarket but,
you not getting that might need looking at, (me that is, not you).
There is a sense with 'my flaccid Cassanova' he is addressing his own limp dick/lost potency
(while standing alone in a supermarket looking at this squid) but I can't quite travel from the image
of candle light vigils and eulogies to this lament. In point of fact (contradicting myself here) I'm not
sure this kind of guy would think in such terms of comic irony . . . so it really does make sense if this
is actually a woman thinking semi-affectionately of her hopeless (and highly self-regarding) lover. . .
though that transition of mood at the end to semi invective puzzles (it seems almost misogynistic).
Yeah, the transition isn't working well enough and needs a more explicit description.
Might be beyond me though.
The searching, searing honesty here feels valuable, but trying to position where it's coming from
is troubling. If this is from a male perspective I don't feel we really understand where he is coming from.
That shift to a 'low-tide' scene is also a bit of a confusion/distraction when the rest seems to be located in the supermarket.
Addressed that above. I prefer not to unravel my intentions as I think the poem should convey
those. I am pleased that the under music of the poem does seem to be working. I'll certainly be addressing all your point in the revision.
Thankyou again for such a thoughtful and engaging critque.
But it's an enjoyable read, the nabokovian exuberance and detail of the language what I mostly liked.
regards
James

[bjondon]

I thought 'supermarket noon' was good , the perpetual timeless
sunlight that supermarket owners wish us to believe in, except the
actual feeling is quite dead, more like perpetual midnight - so I was
just suggesting to take the metaphor further.

Coming back to this, and assuming from the start a female N -
a heady mix of mockery and affection - I think this is not far from
working really well. The grandiloquence of the candled vigils and eulogies
does fit that better . . . the phrase 'my flaccid Cassanova' the heart of the piece
and the curious ending . . . perhaps if 'flotsom' was put in inverted commas
(as if she's rolling the word round in her head) …and the last line in italics
(so now she's imagining herself coming out with this little line of stylised invective,
couched in very male terms, so kind of having a bit of fun throwing them back
in his face).
And the 'man' and 'woman' in this do seem quite symbolic of a sort of dance
of sexual politics, so I do get a sense of the universal going on here.
'endless jazz' strikes me as funnier this time too . . . I think of Ken Clarke types
and of course it's jizzy neighbour. Could you throw in a reference to Hush Puppies?
Jules

[David]

James, I really like this too. Like Perry, I may need to read up on squids to understand the teasing. I like the rhythm of the ending as it is (if I can avoid an Oo-er missus! comment here).

And I don't really get the syllable.

But overall I think this is great.

Cheers

David

[JamesM]

Thank you David
I'm addressing that syllable in the re-write. Glad you had a positive response.

Thanks for coming back Jules.
As regards the Noon/Moon: I'm not sure I can extend it any further without some intrusive editorializing.
I do get what you mean by that 'deadening timelessness'. Perhaps the word noon has too many positive connotations
to fully capture the sterile quality of light and sensation I was looking for. I'll think on it.

I've begun a revision addressing most of the points that everyone has highlighted. I should be posting it sometime during the next 10 years.....

Regards

[David]

Now then. Don't rush it.

[Ryder]

Like it
Only nits being maybe lose 'for' in v3 l2 and reverse flit and flirt in v4.
They have fish eyes...

[1lankest]

Enjoyed.
Instead of dumped sloppily, how about just ‘slopped’?

Luke

[JamesM]

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.
I'llbe taking your comments into consideration in the revision.
Apologies for lateness.
Regards

[Firebird]

It’s a good poem James. I like it a lot. I’m not sure I’d change much. I’ve read Not’s suggestions, but I tend to like it as it is. Maybe, just maybe, I’d delete ‘now’ from the end of line 1. It’s a little self-conscious and not needed IMO, other than to hide the preposition at the end of the line, which I don’t think is necessary, and soften the voices tone. The ‘now’ seems to add a certain pity to the tone of N’s voice, whereas without it, N’s voice is a little more disdainful. I suppose it depends on what you want.

Anyway, good to read this poem.

Cheers,

Tristan

[JamesM]

Hello there
Thanks.
You are right that 'now' adds some sort of modal quality to N's observation.
I've been playing around with putting it at the start of the line. I did want a reprehensive tone- something like an exhausted parental resignation. Disdain, ill leave up to the reader to feel or not.
Regards