Notes

[JamesM]

THis is a re-post of an older poem. Originally I'd planned a series but got stuck. Recently
this format occured to me, which I thought funnier while offering it's own form of commentary.
(There is a good joke similar to this as well)

Masochist's note to self

Nice and tight like skin nipped
between unclipped finger nails--
until the zipper-thrill of sheer
pain cleans each sinus,
and your high cry bursts
like a blister.

Sadist's note to self

Nice and tight like skin nipped
between unclipped finger nails--
until the zipper-thrill of sheer
pain cleans each sinus,
and your high cry bursts
like a blister.

[CalebPerry]

You apparently have intimate knowledge about things that I have never experienced, because I don't get this at all. I understand that masochists and sadists are two sides of the same coin, but there are still differences between them. They wouldn't, normally (it seems to me), feel exactly the same about pain.

Thank God I was never into that stuff. A little mild bondage, yes, but pain, no.

[JamesM]

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment Perry. Judging by your comments you do seem to have- albeit unconsciously- understood exactly what I was aiming for.
Regards

[twoleftfeet]

Hello,James,

I like it a lot,both as a poem and a joke.

I'm wondering if there's a special significance to "cleans",because,if not,"clears" would give you "sheer/clears"?

The questions is:
In the masochist''s version are there,in fact,two cries to be heard,or is the victim gagged?

TLF

[JamesM]

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment TLF
'Clears' might be better although for me there is a temporary feeling with that as opposed to 'cleans' which somehow- might just be me- the latter infers a more thorough evacuation. I'll have to reread it a few times adjusted to see if it works better.
'Your' in the poem I had hoped to work like the existential 'you' referring to the subject and all his or her kin in the masochist version and with poetic licence to only the masochist in the sadist's. Maybe that is to big an ask.
To be honest it is the 'until' that bothers me.
Regards

[twoleftfeet]

'Your' in the poem I had hoped to work like the existential 'you' referring to the subject and all his or her kin in the masochist version and with poetic licence to only the masochist in the sadist's. Maybe that is to big an ask.
To be honest it is the 'until' that bothers me.
Regards

James,
I was just making a joke of my own.
To me,it works fine - the "your" is left to the reader's imagination - it's best not to know!

I can't see a problem with "until" - but ""nail" + a pause (your "--"?) + till" might be smoother? Your call.

Geoff

[bjondon]

Hi James, this definitely has something, though I
only got the joke after your prompt.
At first it just seemed too dry but on a slow fuse
it steadily got funnier - You could not choose
a more subtle grammatical nicetie on which to pivot the
whole thing - and likewise I don't think you could
choose a more extreme outpost or variety of
human pleasure as a subject - and it's that juxtaposition
that does it - so yes, very elegant and very funny.
The ecxellently staged mechanics of cadence,
sonics and voice (indeed nice and tight), are an
essential part of the whole conceit which I see as
a sort of meditation on what words can do.

So how to keep the minimalism while dragging
the sleepier reader over the border into comprehension?
My key suggestion would be to simply put the second
'your' in italics or bold.

I wasn't too keen on the repetition of 'to Self' in the subtitles.
You could make the title 'Notes to Self' and the subs
The Masochist/The Sadist.

Regards,
Jules

[Poet]

I like your poem but its way too short, I don't have much to say about it but other than you need to make it longer.

[JamesM]

Thanks for coming back to this Geoff.
'Til' may be the answer though it might cause a run-on of too many 'i' sounds. I'll sit on it and consider a change in format also.
Poet, thanks for commenting. How would you suggest padding out the existing poem?
Jules, thanks again for really engaging with this. Your suggestions are both on point. Use of italics is an elegant strategy to differentiate the two. Likewise the title adjustment. I'm in a WiFi free house this month so I'll have to keep my response shorter than your comments deserve.
Regards

[twoleftfeet]

Hi James,
In the interests of balance,following Poet's comment,and bearing in mind what Jules said about the titles
you could actually have

Notes to self

1. The Masochist

between unclipped finger nails--
until the zipper-thrill of sheer
pain cleans each sinus,
and your high cry bursts
like a blister.

2. The Sadist

see Note 1


-------------------------------------------------------
Works for me!
Geoff

[JamesM]

Thanks Geoff,
While at risk of piquing Poet's ire, I think that is a magnificant suggestion!!
I'll reformat and post a revision with the changes.
Regards

[David]

So how to keep the minimalism while dragging the sleepier reader over the border into comprehension? My key suggestion would be to simply put the second 'your' in italics or bold.

I must be a sleepier reader, because the repetition of "your" is not conveying anything of great significance to me at all. Zzz.

On the other hand, I too think Geoff's suggestion is inspired. Well done for embracing it, at the cost of half of the poem (volume-wise, at least) but to the benefit of the whole poem.

Cheers

David