Tyrone n Jessica

[ray miller]

Yow’ve alwys bin a boster, bab,
n I’m so chuffed that yower mi wench,
if I ad fancy words ter brag
I’d tell yow just ow much yow’ve meant.
I cor bai summat that I baint
and since you aks, I tell yow straight,
I ay bin shaggin Sharon Blake.

Dunt be gettin all a lather,
yo ay a thing to werry bout.
A yo bin arkin to some blether?
Yow saft barmpot, I ay dun nowt.
Yow’ve heerd some tale, I av no doubt,
but on my life I say for sure,
I daynt shag that little ooer.

So ow come down the Duck n Drake
it’s writ upon the shitouse wall
that yow’ve bin shaggin Sharon Blake?
Yower mobile number’s there n all,
mi mucker, Pat, give it a call.
That tart yow’ve fixt to see down town
is er, yow bare-fairced lyin ound.

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi ray,
very enjoyable read, it only really falls, for me, on the last word/line. It's just not forceful enough
(and sounds almost American).

S1/L6 - 'but' for 'and' ?

S2/L1 - no way it could be Dunt go gettin ... I suppose?

S2/L3 - does this translate as 'have you been listening to some nonsense/rumours?'

S2/L5 - if there a better way of expressing this? Because, depending on precisely what S2/L3 means,
this feels a bit like a repetition of that. Maybe N would suggest a motive for the rumours, jealousy or
similar?

S3/L1 - Perhaps a comma after 'So' ? (Or a 'Well,' for 'So - just for the aliteration)

S3/L7 - maybe "tart" (for emphasis) ?


Regards, Not


.

[Firebird]

I like it Ray - parts made me smile. I think it’s fine as is, but I also agree with Not: it would be even better with a more forceful/unexpected final two lines. I think something more shocking would help or maybe funny, or both.

Cheers,

Tristan

Yow’ve alwys bin a boster, bab,
n I’m so chuffed that yower mi wench,
if I ad fancy words ter brag
I’d tell yow just ow much yow’ve meant.
I cor bai summat that I baint
and since you aks, I tell yow straight,
I ay bin shaggin Sharon Blake.

Dunt be gettin all a lather,
yo ay a thing to werry bout.
A yo bin arkin to some blether?
Yow saft barmpot, I ay dun nowt.
Yow’ve heerd some tale, I av no doubt,
but on my life I say for sure,
I daynt shag that little ooer.

So ow come down the Duck n Drake
it’s writ upon the shitouse wall
that yow’ve bin shaggin Sharon Blake?
Yower mobile number’s there n all,
mi mucker, Pat, give it a call.
That tart yow’ve fixt to see down town
is er, yow bare-fairced lyin ound.

[ray miller]

Thanks for the suggestions, fellas. I can't quite see how the last line sounds American but, yeah, it could be stronger. Take the point about the repetition, too. Black Country dialect is the nearest thing we have to Chaucer's English, so I started off trying to write something Chaucerian in modern dress. And failed miserably.

[Elphin]

Ray

I think this is great and I laughed out loud.

I understood it too, Black Country translates very well.

Even the names of the protagonists seem so appropriate.

I would love to hear it read out loud by a Black Country lad.... I was hearing Noddy Holder as I read it!

elph

[Pauline]

This made me chuckle

so I started off trying to write something Chaucerian in modern dress. And failed miserably.

Don't think you have like.
I think you nailed it.
I can even picture the characters

I was hearing Noddy Holder as I read it!

I heard Jasper Carrot

Nice one Ray.
Thanks for the smiles.

[bjondon]

Like it.
Don't understand 'I cor bai summat that I baint'
Shakespeare throws in an odd couple before Agincourt. Which one was that?
Jules

[ray miller]

Thanks, Elph, Pauline, Jules. It's Noddy Holder rather than Jasper Carrott, who is a Brummie. There are a lot of differences between Black Country and Brummie dialect. I wonder if they're apparent to normal people. As for the names of the protagonists, Tyrone n Jessica - Troilus and Cressida.
'I cor bai summat that I baint' - I cannot be something that I am not. I almost called the poem IA,AI! That being a well-known Black Country sentence meaning I haven't, have I!

[JJWilliamson]

Enjoyed this, Ray, very much in fact. The rhythms and rhymes work for me. Top drawer, I'd say.

The close is weak by comparison, but you've a rhyme to consider and that can sometimes force the hand.
Could they arrange to meet somewhere else? A strong word would help to tie this one up nicely.
I used to frequent a nightclub called the Chelsea Cat. Need I say more?

Best

JJ

[ray miller]

Thanks, JJ. As you say, rhymes force your hand. I can't think of anything just yet.

[Dryanddeadwords]

Hi raymiller

New here, so please excuse me diving in.
Difficult to offer critique with a piece like this really - so I shan't. I'll just say I enjoyed it, though I'm not sure I was hearing it in the same voice as the poet intended. Do you do recordings by any chance? I imagine this would be very effective as a performance piece.

Thank you for the read.

Best regards,
Dylan

[ray miller]

Hello Dylan and thanks. I can spot a rhyme and I've just about convinced myself that Dryanddeadwords = Brian Edwards. Although your comments are rather more restrained than they used to be. You haven't found God, have you? Hope you're well, anyway. I shall feel very foolish if I'm wrong.

Ray

[Dryanddeadwords]

Hello Dylan and thanks. I can spot a rhyme and I've just about convinced myself that Dryanddeadwords = Brian Edwards. Although your comments are rather more restrained than they used to be. You haven't found God, have you? Hope you're well, anyway. I shall feel very foolish if I'm wrong.

Ray

Prepare to feel foolish... what's that you say?

Dylan