Aubergine (revision)

[ton321]

Revision



O aubergine, with your black latex dress
slightly wet to the touch stickiness;
your pale flesh, that needs
to be salted to draw the moisture out-

I admit I have sliced you up into rounds
and fried you until you were golden on both sides,
or put you under the grill
and turned you around until you were squidgy,
mashed you up with garlic and olive oil
and used you as a dip,

forgive me.



Original

O aubergine, with your black latex dress;

slightly wet to the touch stickiness
when you are fresh.

I admit I have sliced you up into rounds
and fried you until you were golden on both sides,
like they said.

Once I put you under the grill
and turned you around until you were squidgy,
then mashed you up with garlic and olive oil
and used you as a dip,
during one of my many pretentious phases,

forgive me.

[Sid]

An eggplant poem. Well I never!

I like the squidgy reference very apt. Not a fan of eggplant myself so not the target audience.

Not sure why you ask forgiveness in the poem. Is it for being pretentious? Potentially could expand the poem to reflect more of this aspect to provide the poem with more aubergine substance!

[MilesTugeau]

.

[Macavity]

Fun write Tony. The influences of the 'in-crowd' ! Love the black latex dress analogy.

Once I put you under the grill
and turned you around until you were squidgy,
then mashed you up with garlic and olive oil
and used you as a dip.

One of my many pretentious phases!

O forgive me my brooding aubergine.

Perhaps return to the aubergine for an ending?

cheers

mac

[bjondon]

I suppose this could be about an aubergine.
I'm reading a lot of playful and not so playful sexual tension . . . is it just me?
Last two not up to scratch though mac's tweak helps.
Some great phrasing here and I like the genderlessness of it all.

Jules

[ton321]

Hi Sid, I suppose I'm asking forgiveness because I've fried the aubergine, and about to eat it. Obviously this doesn't come across so I'll have a look at this.
Thanks Miles, Mac for your comments. The whole piece started with the analogy, so I'm glad you liked that part, Mac. Jules, I deliberately left it ambiguous,and there is a sexual undertone to it, so no, it's not just you, lol,
Tony

[tatterdemalion]

Ton this is a fun read. I'm getting hints of ''This is just to say'' by William Carlos Williams. Yes, I think the revision works better, but I'd push further, edit some more to really focus of the sensual details. I've underlined any word changes.

Your black latex dress
slightly wet to the touch
stickiness;
flesh that needs
salting to draw the moisture out-

I admit I have sliced you into rounds,
fried you until golden,
turned you around
with garlic and olive oil
and used you as a dip.

I removed ''aubergine'' from the body of the poem because you have it in the title and removing it opens the poem up to alternative interpretations.

[ton321]

Hi tatter,

Thanks for the comments. Actually you are right, it is better without the repeat,
Tony

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Tony,
nice idea and an enjoyable read, but I think you're missing a consumption/consummation verse,
or possibly one where N reveals the real reason for the apologies is their betrayal of the Aubergine
with [insert name of newer/younger, more exotic vegetable here].

I liked the 'awareness' of the 'many pretentious phases' line in the original (implying, to me, at
least, Baba Ghanoush).

('crushed' for 'mashed' offers more possibilities, I think).

I quite liked the 'O Aubergine' - any better titles? Incidentally, you might check out "vatingana"
or “melanzana”.

Regards, Not


.

[Poet]

Revision



O aubergine, with your black latex dress
slightly wet to the touch stickiness;
your pale flesh, that needs
to be salted to draw the moisture out-

I admit I have sliced you up into rounds
and fried you until you were golden on both sides,
or put you under the grill
and turned you around until you were squidgy,
mashed you up with garlic and olive oil
and used you as a dip,

forgive me.



Original

O aubergine, with your black latex dress;

slightly wet to the touch stickiness
when you are fresh.

I admit I have sliced you up into rounds
and fried you until you were golden on both sides,
like they said.

Once I put you under the grill
and turned you around until you were squidgy,
then mashed you up with garlic and olive oil
and used you as a dip,
during one of my many pretentious phases,

forgive me.

I like it but you are missing something, there is imagery in here but there isn't enough, in my opinion you should add some in there, and I mean that for the 1st revision. I like the concept though.

[ton321]

Thanks Sid, I'll put it the drawer for a bit,
Tony