Revision 1
The Pink moon
is just a full moon,
named after a wild flower
in America.
It slips through the gap
in the curtains, anyway,
the nights currency,
silver, to our eyes.
But I might be colour blind,
and it might be pink.
This is how money is spent.
Revision
Silently, slowly,
the full moon tip toes through the
gap in the curtains
while I am reading.
I put down my book and look.
Just another coin.
The nights currency
in small denominations,
always spendable-
nothing that would get me mugged.
Original
in the dead of night
the pink moon tip toes through the
gap in the curtains,
almost uncertain,
a silver coin in its slot,
in its own dream-time,
sweet-time, it passes,
giving me a smiling look,
hands behind its back,
showing me its one true face.
Encounter.
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Tony,
I think the biggest weakness is the opening line (though the title isn't doing much). It has something of the 'it was a dark and stormy night' about it. There's a rhythm there (I think) that comes and goes, maybe it should stay?
(If the moon is pink, why is the coin silver?)
Just a thought ...
the pink moon tip toes
through the only gap
in the curtains,
almost uncertain,
a silver coin
in a thin slot,
slipping in
its own sweet-time,
dream-time, passing
by me, stops me, giving me
a smile, a look,
the pink moon
hands behind
its back,
shows me
its one true face
and leaves.
Regards, Not
.
Hi Tony,
I think the biggest weakness is the opening line (though the title isn't doing much). It has something of the 'it was a dark and stormy night' about it. There's a rhythm there (I think) that comes and goes, maybe it should stay?
(If the moon is pink, why is the coin silver?)
Just a thought ...
the pink moon tip toes
through the only gap
in the curtains,
almost uncertain,
a silver coin
in a thin slot,
slipping in
its own sweet-time,
dream-time, passing
by me, stops me, giving me
a smile, a look,
the pink moon
hands behind
its back,
shows me
its one true face
and leaves.
Regards, Not
.
-
TrevorConway
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 218
- Joined: Mon Mar 09, 2020 10:09 am
Hi Tony,
I definitely agree with Not here about ditching the first line, and the idea of "in its own sweet time" feels too familiar as well, I think.
I didn't really buy the idea of the moon/moonlight coming in and doing all this. Maybe it's because the moon and moonlight seem like very still things, unlike, say, TS Eliot's fog that rubs its back on the window panes, which somehow lends itself more to animation/movement, if that makes any sense.
I guess if it was stated at the beginning that the speaker is half-dreaming, etc., the moon's activity would sit easier. Or if it was the speaker who was tiptoeing to the curtain, almost uncertain, etc., I'd be with this poem a bit more, I think.
Hope the feedback helps in some way anyway,
T
I definitely agree with Not here about ditching the first line, and the idea of "in its own sweet time" feels too familiar as well, I think.
I didn't really buy the idea of the moon/moonlight coming in and doing all this. Maybe it's because the moon and moonlight seem like very still things, unlike, say, TS Eliot's fog that rubs its back on the window panes, which somehow lends itself more to animation/movement, if that makes any sense.
I guess if it was stated at the beginning that the speaker is half-dreaming, etc., the moon's activity would sit easier. Or if it was the speaker who was tiptoeing to the curtain, almost uncertain, etc., I'd be with this poem a bit more, I think.
Hope the feedback helps in some way anyway,
T
Hi Tony. I think the image of the moonlight coming through the chink in the curtains like a silver coin into a slot is a great one. I suppose there is a problem in that it is the moonlight coming in but the moon itself that visibly resembles a coin, but the image still works for me.
I don't mind the first line. It's like a stage direction. I could happily do without "sweet-time", which seems like unnecessary embroidery.
Also wondering about this coin with hands.
But I like the last line, and I think the image at the heart of the poem is strong enough to sustain the whole thing. Just.
I like it.
Cheers
David
I don't mind the first line. It's like a stage direction. I could happily do without "sweet-time", which seems like unnecessary embroidery.
Also wondering about this coin with hands.
But I like the last line, and I think the image at the heart of the poem is strong enough to sustain the whole thing. Just.
I like it.
Cheers
David
Not, I know I'm supposed to know that that the first line of the original sounds like the opening to another poem, but I don't know, actually. I've changed it anyway. Trevor its more of a snapshot, than an action-take, but thanks for the comments. David, thanks for the comments, I've kept the heart of the piece, glad you recognised it. Penguin -thanks for stopping by.
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Tony,
seems less a revision and more a companion piece.
Not keen on the opening line (doesn't do much for me) and not certain about the ending.
Is it a 'mugging' if it's indoors? But that's a niggardly niggle.
I do like the 'night's currency' (you're missing the possessive apostrophe there) and the
idea that it's 'spendable'. That said I think S3 seems awkward.
Perhaps a slight re-ordering?
while I am reading.
a furtive moon
rolls through the
gap in the curtains
Just another coin.
The nights currency
in small denominations,
always spendable-
I put down my book.
- nothing
that would get me mugged.
I know it won't help, but ... I like both and would suggest keeping them as separate
pieces in their own right.
Regards, Not
.
Hi Tony,
seems less a revision and more a companion piece.
Not keen on the opening line (doesn't do much for me) and not certain about the ending.
Is it a 'mugging' if it's indoors? But that's a niggardly niggle.
I do like the 'night's currency' (you're missing the possessive apostrophe there) and the
idea that it's 'spendable'. That said I think S3 seems awkward.
Perhaps a slight re-ordering?
while I am reading.
a furtive moon
rolls through the
gap in the curtains
Just another coin.
The nights currency
in small denominations,
always spendable-
I put down my book.
- nothing
that would get me mugged.
I know it won't help, but ... I like both and would suggest keeping them as separate
pieces in their own right.
Regards, Not
.
-
JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
What a dilemma. I like both versions, Tony.
The others have all made some fine comments, ones I found myself nodding to.
I miss the coin/slot reference and agree about the mugging aspect.
Some thoughts for your perusal:
The others have all made some fine comments, ones I found myself nodding to.
I miss the coin/slot reference and agree about the mugging aspect.
Some thoughts for your perusal:
ton321 wrote: ↑Wed Apr 22, 2020 1:49 amRevision
Silently, slowly, ...Not bad but we all know the moon is silent and slow. How about dropping your silver coin
through the slot as your opening hook?
the full moon tip toes through the
gap in the curtains
while I am reading.
I put down my book and look. ..."I put my book down"? -- Not sure if it matters, grammatically speaking, but it sounds right to my ear.
Just another coin.
The nights currency
in small denominations,
always spendable-
nothing that would get me mugged. ..."Nothing that would worry me" ---something like that.
Enjoyed
JJ
Original
in the dead of night
the pink moon tip toes through the
gap in the curtains,
almost uncertain,
a silver coin in its slot,
in its own dream-time,
sweet-time, it passes,
giving me a smiling look,
hands behind its back,
showing me its one true face.
Long time a child and still a child
Thanks Not, JJ, for your comments. This piece feels like it could have dozens of variations/iterations, but I appreciate your suggestions,
Tony
Tony
Counting the beats,
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
Counting the slow heart beats,
The bleeding to death of time in slow heart beats,
Wakeful they lie.
Robert Graves
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Franklinsun
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Thu Apr 30, 2020 8:31 am
Hello, Tony.
Normally I wouldn't ask this sort of thing, but since there's already been some back and forth about the edits of this poem being variations rather than strictly linear versions, I thought I'd ask. I feel like the poem marked revision is the best version out of the three, and I have some thoughts about working on that version. Would you like those thoughts? I totally understand if not, and in any case I'll have a think about suggestions for the poem marked edit one.
Cheers!
Francis.
Normally I wouldn't ask this sort of thing, but since there's already been some back and forth about the edits of this poem being variations rather than strictly linear versions, I thought I'd ask. I feel like the poem marked revision is the best version out of the three, and I have some thoughts about working on that version. Would you like those thoughts? I totally understand if not, and in any case I'll have a think about suggestions for the poem marked edit one.
Cheers!
Francis.