Delusions of Grandparenthood

[TrevorConway]

On wake-laden nights,
squeezed between my daughter’s cries,
I’ve succumbed

to a land of elated grandparents
who’ve somehow escaped
this brutal stage

of having a child themselves,
innocent to rabid demands
and nights opaque to hope.

I’ve woken, wanting
to feel my face abruptly wrinkled,
unfettered,

and I’ve recalled my parents’ bluster,
their careless parade of gaudy spirit,
renting my child by the hour

as she plays
a novel role
with them as her audience.

She is a rough log
to be carved and turned
before I continue myself,

but they see her as an ember
with a speck of their glitter,
a glow unready to wane.

My sleep-hungry body
feels the pain they ignore,
stiff as a stick, and less awake.

On other nights, another dream:
sitting alone on a dithering bus
with no distinct destination,

and through the window,
a fountain, a park;
I see generations mingle.


Is the thought process clear and logical/believable? I wanted to get across the desire/dream of a parent to escape the tough stages of parenthood and go straight to grandparenthood, with less responsibility, etc.

What about the tone?

Is the punning title okay? Any better alternatives?

Thanks, everyone.

T

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi T,

some very nice lines
- L2 and L15, for instance

but it seems to lose focus
- 'land of elated grandparents' becomes 'renting my child by the hour', either/both are excellent, but, when combined, the don't seem to add up to anything. The 'land' could have dinosaurian grandparents roaming about, sleep becoming extinct, or, who knows what? Instead there's nothing there. What might have been humorously self-aware is, instead, mainly whining (The title 'Woe is Me, leapt to mind). 'Renting ...' I really like, but that has a different tone entirely.

and tips over into some kind of melodrama too often
- S3, 'rabid demands' is interesting/fun but 'innocent to' and 'and nights opaque to hope' come across as clumsy and overwritten. And what on earth is 'wake-laden'? 'Stiff as a stick'? Really?

My main problem is S2
- have the really 'escaped / this brutal stages', or have they forgotten it, or are they enjoying watching N go thorough what they themselves went through?
If this represents N's delusions of grand-parenthood then I feel there should be more exploration (you could cut s6-8 (which add nothing, you may be fascinated with your daughter, but don't expect the reader to be. You'll be showing baby photos next ) and replace with something more relevant to the title).

Seems to end with a whimper (which may be appropriate) but disappoints, nonetheless.

Regards, Not

PS Just a starting suggestion
squeezed between my daughter’s cries,
I have been born
into a land of elated grandparents



.

[TrevorConway]

Hi Not,

Thanks again for all the feedback. Really appreciate. I was trying to get across a surreal scenario/dream where people can escape the tough stages of parenthood and go straight to grandparenthood, with less responsibility, etc. There's lots to work on, as with a lot of these poems I'm posting.

Ha! (re the baby photos). I actually I actually have a problem called "14 months of photos", you'll be delighted to hear. The repetition across poems is probably a fairly unavoidable result of working on a collection based around a specific theme, but I do hope to cut down on the repetition and stuff when considering the collection as a whole.

Thanks again, Not.

T

[lotus]

but they see her as an ember
with a speck of their glitter,
a glow unready to wane.



dear Trevor

i feel this a bit as the drift of the essence of the p0em

silent lotus

[TrevorConway]

Thanks, Lotus. If you're saying that part/idea felt like the essence/core of the poem, that's helpful to know.

T