Clearing

[TrevorConway]

You bow to a ruin of ash,
discrete as an archaeologist
so as not to rouse it
with a careless nudge of the shovel,
knowing that even in an airless room,
ash can be slight as a vulture
asleep on a thermal.

The angle you keep
as you skim your cargo
into the mouth of metal that awaits
cannot be sacrificed,
so you tilt the bucket,
though you might find a history of dust
along the channels of your fingertips.

You send your brush sniffing corners
till curls of ash unsettle and swirl
as if making a liquid of air.
The final, prehistoric grunt of steel
plucks your muscles to a wince;
and yes, it’s strange to call it a shovel
when shoving is an act to avoid.


Title? Ending? Tone? Structure? Thanks, ya'll! T

[Macavity]

You seem to have returned to careful territory Trevor

I would say the tone is detached, more cerebral than physical, though you do write of labour...

prehistoric grunt of steel
plucks your muscles to a wince

I find the language quite strained in the poem, but that is my taste, and I know I'm quite conservative in using words.

The subject matter, the ash, the historical and cultural contexts, is interesting. I like the archaeologist analogy, the vulture took me out of the room, and steel was created by man long after prehistoric times.

I came across this poem yesterday, that captured the rhythms of labour:

https://www.poetryireland.ie/publications/poetry-ireland-review/online-archive/view/bank

best

mac

[NotQuiteSure]

.
Hi Trev,
similar reservations to mac regarding the vulture, and don't think the title brings anything of value to the piece.

s1.
Is it really a 'ruin of ash'? It may be a ruin of whatever was burnt, but not of ash, surely?

In the airless room
You bow to the ash
careful as an archaeologist
knowing that to rouse it
with a careless nudge of shovel/trowel
will ...

I really liked the 'archaeologist' angle (even though it doesn't lead anywhere) and wondered about where the ash was specifically. Would
You bow before the hearth
careful as an archaeologist
knowing that to rouse the ash
with a careless nudge ...
work?

s2.
'mouth of metal' is a bit of an unwelcome intrusion. Very clunky, for me.
How does 'ruin' become 'cargo'?
Why 'though'?

s3.
'sniffing' seems unnecessary, and doesn't fit with the archaeological activity, likewise (as mac mentioned) 'grunt of steel'. Though I like the phrase why would your muscles be 'wincing'? And returning to the 'shovel' at the end doesn't deliver, for me. The last line sends me back to the title to try an incorporate it, somehow,
strange to call it clearing
when clearing ...
(and I just end up confused )

Overall it could do with a few more sensory details, I think. It's been a while but dont those 'curls of ash [that] unsettle and swirl' make you want to sneeze, or hold your breath, or have a taste to them? And can't you feel them once they've settled in a layer on the backs of your hands, for instance?

Regards, Not


.

[TrevorConway]

Thanks, Mac. I meant "prehistoric" basically as a synonym for "dinosaur-like" rather than actually wanting to suggest that the sound of steel scraping would be around in prehistoric times, but I get that the connotation feels off or inappropriate, so maybe I'll change it to "metal" and change or remove the earlier reference to "metal". I'll look at the strained nature of the language, too. It can be a fine line between inventiveness and straining too far sometimes

Appreciate the feedback, Mac.

T

[TrevorConway]

Ah, you're making me think again, Not! I need a day off Thanks for pointing those things out.

I think of a ruin as relating to structures such as houses, so I meant ruin as a metaphor in that context (which slightly changes the meaning of "of" here compared to a non-metaphorical use of it), but I suppose ruin also has a broader context, referring to anything which has decayed, does it? If so, you're totally right.

You know, I assumed this was obviously set at a fireplace, but I realise now that I didn't necessarily imply that, so thanks for that. I must add a concrete detail (e.g. a reference to a chimney or mantelpiece) early on.

When the ash is in transit on the shovel, it become cargo...will you give me that one?

Fair enough on the metal mouth. Can certainly be improved.

The "though" relates to a drawback of the advice given (to tilt the bucket). Still doesn't fit, or more acceptable now?

Wincing because to the harsh sound of scraping. For years, I hated to take out ashes because the sound grated so much, and I couldn't cover my ears. Wussy, I know. But I've overcome this particular challenge in life, you'll be delighted to hear.

Thanks for the feedback on the ending, and I'll spend some time trying to come up with sensory details, see if they fit.

Many thanks, Not.

T

[NotQuiteSure]

Ah, you're making me think again

Sorry about that, but it needs to be done

ruin also has a broader context, right.
I think so.

When the ash is in transit on the shovel, it become cargo...will you give me that one?
Mmmm .... maybe. Likely just reflecting my own biases but 'archaeologist' set me up to see it as 'cargo' as in 'cult'. (Especially with 'sacrifice' so close by).

The "though" relates to a drawback of the advice given (to tilt the bucket). Still doesn't fit, or more acceptable now?
I think the 'advice' is something you could include, as in
You keep the angle
as you were shown
skimming your ...

Wincing because ... the sound grated so much, and I couldn't cover my ears. Wussy, I know. But I've overcome this particular challenge in life, you'll be delighted to hear.
Indeed, I am delighted to hear that, less enamoured of the (unnoticed) grating pun however. Tsk, tsk. Incidentally, cleared out my own share of grates back when, so fully understand you flinching at that sound (and how oddly loud it seemed, no matter how careful you were - perhaps a result of it being early morning), maybe my problem is really with the preceding line (and 'final'?)
You might give some thought to 'bow', it doesn't really convey any apprehension/reluctance that the reaction to 'wincing' suggests would be being felt ('approach' might do?). Maybe some context as to why you are doing this job in the first place?

Thanks for the feedback on the ending,
The ending seems just to relate to the 'wincing', nothing more.


Regards, Not


.

[TrevorConway]

Thanks a mill, Not. Appreciate it.

T

[Pauline]

Hi Trev.
Feel really bad about saying this but ....
it did nowt for me.
Slow, much like your dig.
I was bored.
There was very little to keep me interested.
I feel if you wrote this in the present tense
and shaved some of the waffle it would make for a better read.

A careless nudge sends settled ash swirling.
History curls the channels of my spade,
fingertips and urge for prehistoric…
........................

or whatever you chose. You can elaborate.
I just feel you could inject more into this .
I believe if you wrote this in the first person it would grip readers instantly.
3 lines grabbed me.
I’m not saying they are the best lines, just something to ponder and maybe work with.

Title's not the best .

Jeez, what a miserable twat I am.
I'm not really.
I'm only offering my opinion with the intent to help.

You can take or leave my offering.

[TrevorConway]

Hey Pauline,

Thanks very much for the feedback. Not miserable, just honest and helpful. I think it's already in the present tense, but I'll try a version in the first person, as you suggest. It might well give a better result.

Again, many thanks.

Trev