The Fruit of their Loins

[CalebPerry]

The young man who bludgeoned his parents to death
and hid their bodies in a cesspool, had two
weeks to spend their cash before the cops came
and put him in the slammer, where he still
sits ten years on, with nearly fifty years
of hard time left to serve. Relatives say
the parents understood the danger to come,
but this was their son, the fruit of their loins,
the tyke they had potty-trained and still loved
and hoped to nudge onto a productive path
if the day ever dawned that he became calm.

~end~

I apologize for not participating in the forum unless I have a poem to post. During dry periods -- even short dry periods -- I become discouraged and don't want to think about poetry at all. Then, when I write a poem, I come back to the forum, critique two poems, and then post my own poem. It's really not fair to the rest of you.

I sometimes use cliches in my poems, such as "fruit of their loins". To me, certain cliches have almost become words unto themselves, so I consider it okay to use them. If you disagree, I'd like to hear.

[CalebPerry]

I'm knocking this to the top because I'd still like some feedback.

[Poet]

I think this poem is rather interesting, but it is too much telling and not enough showing, I also find that fruit of their loins is a really cliché phrase and should be replaced or omitted. I also find that this poem is based on a true story? Is that correct? I like the opening lines though, very dramatic! I don't seem to have anything else to say other than a good concept and direction but it is a little too telly for me.

Thanks for sharing.

[CalebPerry]

Thank you for your feedback.

Personally, I think that both "telling" and "showing" have their place, and a poem about a murder is a good place to "tell". Regarding "fruit of their loins", I think that phrase works in the poem but probably doesn't work as the title. My feeling about cliches is that some of them have become so ingrained in our language that they are almost like words unto themselves, but I understand if you disagree. When I chose to use that cliche in this poem, I was trying to be ironic.

I was going for poignancy in the poem by contrasting the shocking cruelty of the crime with the fact the he had killed people who loved him, and that they knew they were in danger. This happened in my town about a decade ago. The mother of the son, who was 24 at the time, often spent long periods of time at a friend's house because she didn't feel safe with her son. He beat his parents to death with a hoe.

[lotus]

The young man
bludgeoned his parents to death
hid their bodies in a cesspool
had two weeks to spend their cash
before the cops came
and put him in
the slammer

where he still
sits ten years on
with nearly fifty years
of hard time left to serve Relatives say

the parents
understood the danger to come
but this was their son
the fruit of their loins
the tyke they had potty-trained and still loved
hoped to nudge onto a productive path
if the day ever dawned
that he became
calm


~

hi Perry

a friendly attempt to play with the form
i would find this a more appealing visual read
allowing for spaces to breathe

a warm smile
silent lotus

[CalebPerry]

Thanks so much for your suggestion, Lotus.

I didn't make the lines shorter because this poem isn't very lyrical, and I thought that a straightforward reading would work best. I save shorter lines for more emotional poems. However, I do understand your point of view.

It's true that I do tend to over-use the ten-syllable (IP) format.

Thanks again.