Two Walks

[Firebird]

V3

Walking in open fields
after she’d died all I could hear was the rain

hitting my hood. The sound of drops multiplied
when I entered the copse

but now not as close.


V2

Walking in open fields
a little after she’d died
all I could hear
was the rain hitting my hood.

On entering a wood
the sound of drops multiplied
many times, but mostly
they were not as close now.


V1

Walking in open fields
a little after she’d died
all I could hear
was the rain hitting my hood.

On entering a wood
the sound of drops multiplied
many times,
but now they weren’t as close.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Tristan,
I don't think this is quite working (the hood/wood rhyme feels ... unfortunate, unlike died/multiplied which passes smoothly, (almost unnoticed)). Like the new title.

Why isn't 'a little' not 'shortly' or 'just' or cut ?
Doesn't 'multiplied' imply 'many times'?

Be nice to have a bit more description of the sound of the rain in the woods.


Just a thought

Walking in open fields
after she’d died all I could hear was the rain

hitting my hood. the sound of drops multiplied
when I entered the copse

but now not as close.


Regards, Not


PS. Oh, in case you were wondering, version one over version two.

[Firebird]

Thanks Not. Much appreciated. For the first time I much prefer your revision in full. It has much more interest and appeal.

Many thanks!

I will try and make some useful comments on your multiple choice poem, which I’ve read quite a few times.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

For the first time I much prefer your revision in full.

There's a disturbance in the Force.

The sounds of the piece got me wondering about White Noise as a title?

The multiple choice is just a bit of (vacillating) fun ... mostly. 'The One that Got Away' on the other hand ... now that's something for which you'll really need to gird your loins.

Regards, Not.

.

[Firebird]

I hadn’t noticed ‘The one that got away’. I’ll give it a read now. May take me 12 to 24 hours to comment though.

Cheers,

Tristan

[NotQuiteSure]

May take me 12 to 24 hours to comment though.

Ha! Gotta love the optimism!

[Poet]

V3

Walking in open fields
after she’d died all I could hear was the rain

hitting my hood. The sound of drops multiplied
when I entered the copse

but now not as close.


V2

Walking in open fields
a little after she’d died
all I could hear
was the rain hitting my hood.

On entering a wood
the sound of drops multiplied
many times, but mostly
they were not as close now.


V1

Walking in open fields
a little after she’d died
all I could hear
was the rain hitting my hood.

On entering a wood
the sound of drops multiplied
many times,
but now they weren’t as close.

I really liked the 3 version, very introspective and intriguing I like the image of the corpse and I feel you could do a little more with your imagery, make the poem longer (my opinion) also the poem seems to be about the bleakness of human nature, also walking. Thanks for sharing.

[CalebPerry]

I just need to say that I don't find any significance in the final line -- "but now not as close". It's just too slight an observation to evoke any kind of feeling in me. I supposed you are drawing a parallel between the relative closeness of the rain and the loss of a person in your life, but the connection is too slim for me. In a rain storm, the rain may be heavier in some spots than other spots, but that has never had any meaning for me.

Perhaps you are saying that the rain now SEEMS to be more distant, but even if so, it doesn't work for me.