The One That Got Away

[NotQuiteSure]

.
The One That Got Away


In the night came a knocking, a knocking quite late
and loud. Then a knocking once more.
And you'd think that someone would investigate
but someone continued to snore.

Again with the knocking, three times they have knocked.
The shutters were flung open wide
and someone, somewhere in the night up above
leant out of a window and cried:

"Who, who. Who is there? Who knocks in the night?
Who summons me, thus, from my bed?
Are you here to cause harm? Must I sound the alarm?
Is your motive one of bloodshed?"

In the flamelight of torches a knocker stepped forth
drew breath, then croaked like a toad:
"Good evening, good Lady, good Lord, no, no, no.
No harm. We have been on this road

for such a long time, yet were just passing by
(my colleague here said this was you.)
So, of course we must stop, come and pay our respects
what else could we possibly do?"

And the rabble they babbled, like a murmur of crows
each banging their sprong on the ground
in a show of assent, yes that's what we meant, see
our trespass we would not compound.

"Your Worship, your Wisdom," the knocker continued
"forgive this intrusion. I ask"
Oh, ask is it now? With your torch and your sprong
"for aid with our arduous task.

I'm sure you'll have heard of the onus upon us
a Duty none here would gainsay.
It is our Noble Charge to Hunt that still at large
The One That Has Gotten Away."

"It's a Quest, not a Hunt!"
.............................."It's a Search!"
..............................................."It's a pain."
Came bursting like gas from a bog.
Ignoring the mob the knocker persisted:
"Your Highness, it has been a slog

and I make no excuses, but well, the truth is
we're falling behind every day.
And I fear getting lost" in more ways than one
"while The One is getting away."

"Alas" said the Seer "I cannot interfere
for this is the fate you all chose.
Although one could say it was Fate brought you here
and what that might mean, who knows?"

With a clatter and clack board and battens snapped back
the Maven (and window) vanished.
"Now look what you've done!"
..................................."It has all gone wrong!"
..............................................................."Again!"
"How on earth will we manage?"

A minute went by, and another. Then three
in silence, until a dog barked
and the horde at the door began to repine:
"I'm sore."
..........."I'm knackered."
................................"I'm narked!"

A minute went by, and another. Then four.
But there was no sign of the Sage
as the knocker whose knuckles were bruiséd and raw
paced, like an owl in a cage.

A minute went by, and another. Then five.
And each felt the length of an hour
when a crash and a smash and a slippered foot dash
was heard from inside the tower.

All att once at the window the Adept appeared
ta-da! "I have given this thought
I consulted the Bones, Grimoires and Omens
to see what it is you have sought.

I examined Entrails, I'll spare you the details
Scryed and I Beat the Drum.
If the Future's a feast it fed me on scraps
the meagerest morsel, a crumb.

It is not what I hoped, but it is all I have
and its value time will assay.
So I give it to you" that you leave me in peace
"The One you seek went, thataway."



.

[NotQuiteSure]

- an apologetic bump -

[Macavity]

Not really my kind of read Not., but I did read to the end! I found it difficult to engage, partly because I didn't get who they're chasing and why. I think the jokes/allusions would be better in a gothic setting, build some atmosphere. Perhaps they could be a mob in pursuit of a vampire? Or am I missing your intent (not really understanding the significance of the Seer).

not much help I'm afraid

mac

.
The One That Got Away


In the night came a knocking, a knocking quite late
and loud. Then a knocking once more.
And you'd think that someone would investigate
but someone continued to snore........................someone...need a more defined figure to hook a reader? like snore/more

Again with the knocking, three times they have knocked...an echo of Walter De La Mare's The Listeners?
The shutters were flung open wide
and someone, somewhere in the night up above
leant out of a window and cried:

"Who, who. Who is there? Who knocks in the night?
Who summons me, thus, from my bed?.....................still not picturing this someone?
Are you here to cause harm? Must I sound the alarm?
Is your motive one of bloodshed?"

In the flamelight of torches a knocker stepped forth
drew breath, then croaked like a toad:
"Good evening, good Lady, good Lord, no, no, no.....can't distinguish gender from voice?
No harm. We have been on this road

for such a long time, yet were just passing by
(my colleague here said this was you.)......................colleague sounds unthreatening
So, of course we must stop, come and pay our respects
what else could we possibly do?"

And the rabble they babbled, like a murmur of crows
each banging their sprong on the ground.............................farmer workers?
in a show of assent, yes that's what we meant, see
our trespass we would not compound.

"Your Worship, your Wisdom," the knocker continued ...........so the someone is a JP?
"forgive this intrusion. I ask"
Oh, ask is it now? With your torch and your sprong
"for aid with our arduous task.

I'm sure you'll have heard of the onus upon us
a Duty none here would gainsay.
It is our Noble Charge to Hunt that still at large
The One That Has Gotten Away."................................................again vague...a highwayman?

"It's a Quest, not a Hunt!"
.............................."It's a Search!"
..............................................."It's a pain."
Came bursting like gas from a bog.
Ignoring the mob the knocker persisted:
"Your Highness, it has been a slog

and I make no excuses, but well, the truth is
we're falling behind every day.
And I fear getting lost" in more ways than one
"while The One is getting away."

"Alas" said the Seer "I cannot interfere......................who is this Seer?
for this is the fate you all chose.
Although one could say it was Fate brought you here
and what that might mean, who knows?"

With a clatter and clack board and battens snapped back
the Maven (and window) vanished..................................nice word, an expert of what?
"Now look what you've done!"
..................................."It has all gone wrong!"
..............................................................."Again!"
"How on earth will we manage?"

A minute went by, and another. Then three
in silence, until a dog barked
and the horde at the door began to repine:
"I'm sore."
..........."I'm knackered."
................................"I'm narked!"

A minute went by, and another. Then four.
But there was no sign of the Sage.............................a Sherlock Holmes ref?
as the knocker whose knuckles were bruiséd and raw
paced, like an owl in a cage.

A minute went by, and another. Then five.
And each felt the length of an hour
when a crash and a smash and a slippered foot dash
was heard from inside the tower.

All att once at the window the Adept appeared
ta-da! "I have given this thought
I consulted the Bones, Grimoires and Omens
to see what it is you have sought.

I examined Entrails, I'll spare you the details
Scryed and I Beat the Drum.
If the Future's a feast it fed me on scraps
the meagerest morsel, a crumb.

It is not what I hoped, but it is all I have
and its value time will assay.
So I give it to you" that you leave me in peace
"The One you seek went, thataway."



.

[NotQuiteSure]

Not really my kind of read ... but I did read to the end!

No, I appreciate that, and your perseverance! Thanks for trying (and for the de La Mere poem,
new to me but enjoyed, apart from the again a second time redundancy)

Just a lot of nonsense I'm afraid, playing with a trope from cinema (the mob with torches and
pitchforks) and having thoughts about Snarks.

Regards, Not

.

[Macavity]

Hi Not

Just looking-in, from the outside, but what, given your writing talent, is the attraction of this genre?

best

mac

[Magpie Jane]

Hi, Not -
I read this through last Sunday and again today. I agree it's a bunch of nonsense; but all the same the mere sound of it is quite catching.
Let me say it sounds great (at least in my head); the rhythm and metre remind me of good old E.A. Poe. But some of your rhymes here could be more elegant, or at least consistent.
And oh dear, it's way, way too long. The entire poem is a carnival of repetition (well, near-repetition), likewise the conversation that goes on. If you could manage to condense your poem down to, say, one-third or one-fourth of the original body of text, I think you could really have something here. Try.
A question: is the Seer, the Maven, the Sage, and the Adept, one person or several?
Good luck with it!

Jane (who has an honest fondness for this kind of stuff)

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi MJ,
many thanks for the read. Twice, no less!
I'll take the 'reminded me of Poe' compliment, thank you very much, whilst admitting I was attempting to engage with Carroll (and his Snark).
If you're minded to point out the inconsistent rhyme (except for manage/vanished) I'd appreciate it. (It's supposed to be an a/b/c/b scheme (with occasional internal rhymes of varying degrees.))

Worship/Wisdom/Seer ... etc - yes, all one person.

Cut it down to 1/3 or 1/4? Five or six verses? Yikes!
Certainly willing to give it a go (I like a challenge) but not sure where to start. Can you suggest somewhere? All I see are trees at the moment.

Regards, Not

.

[Magpie Jane]

Hi again, Not –

Yes of course, the Snark was a Boojum. Could’ve told myself so, if only I’d been properly awake.

Now. I’ll start with an apology: Please disregard what I said about your rhyming. For some reason or other it irked me; but now I’ve looked through the entire caboodle once more (and I refuse to read it again a 4th time until you’ve taken a scythe to it) -- and honestly, there’s nothing wrong with your rhymes – especially the internal rhymes are above average for the most part. So I apologise. Okay?

The tough job – the machete business – could profitably start with the conversation parts. Your hunters have a tedious habit of repeating themselves (yes, “the rabble they babbled”), they’re saying more or less the same thing all the way. The Adept (and I suggest you stick to one name; a new title every now & then is awfully confusing) is more to-the-point, but a tad verbose towards the end.
Another method could be to delete all line breaks (make sure you keep a copy of the original) and turn it (temporarily) into a prose piece where you can slash & burn as much as you like – but of course that presents a lot of subsequent hard work with the reconstruction of metre & rhyme. I have tried it myself with over-wordy poems of my own, and I don’t recommend it – I’ll only mention it, in case it may work for you.

‘The thing can be done,’ said the Butcher, ‘I think.
The thing must be done, I am sure.
The thing shall be done! Bring me paper and ink,
The best there is time to procure.’

Another thing: the ending. The fact that the Adept probably knew beforehand which way The One That Got Away went, doesn’t really justify such a colossal amount of build-up text. If you could devise a real surprise as a finale, it would help a lot. I mean, not instead of the machete job, but in addition to it.

Best of luck!
Jane

[Amadis]

I like the sound of it and the rhyming scheme.
It reads to me like a story book that should be illustrated by Theodor Geisel

There were some lines that looked like placeholders with the ........... yet to be filled in,
perhaps in version 2?

There should always be a place for nonsense,
for where else can sense hide, when banished.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Jane,
apologies for the delay.
Been wrestling with that machete/scythe, and it's all becoming more trouble than
it's worth.
As a first dip of the toe into the mock-heroic arena I think I'm ok with this (long
and repetitious as it may be) and perhaps I'll just let it lie and move on.
Appreciate the critique though (things to bear in mind for the next one), not
forgetting the three reads!


Hi Amadis

There should always be a place for nonsense

Absolutely.

Thanks both.

Regards, Not.