Hi Dad (rev 3 - St1 L3/4 tweaked again)

This is a serious poetry forum not a "love-in". Post here for more detailed, constructive criticism.
capricorn
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Fri May 13, 2022 11:59 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Fri May 13, 2022 10:35 am
Hi Eira,
I think 'tight embrace' leads in the wrong direction.

I kind of knew that straight after I wrote it.

I miss our heart-to-heart's, watching your face
as you wind up another knock-knock joke.


Not a hundred percent on the 'as' (but this could just be me), wondered about 'that 'there's ...' ?

Millimetres, Eira, millimetres!
I hope so Not- I'm tired! Lol! :wink:
Regards, Not

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Sat May 14, 2022 10:29 am

capricorn wrote:
Fri May 13, 2022 11:59 pm
I hope so Not- I'm tired! Lol! :wink:
Just a lack of match fitness Eira, you've been slacking.


I hope you've settled in at your new place,
the welcome mat unrolled by friendly folk.
I miss our heart to hearts, your grinning face
when you recite another knock, knock joke.

Better, but not quite,
nanometres, Eira, nanometres!

It's just the word 'recite' (so bland after 'grinning')

Something like

when you assault/mangle/torment another knock, knock joke ... perhaps?

(Must admit, 'heart to hearts' not looking that strong compared to the lovely 'lift my loneliness awhile' ... but perhaps that's for another day.)

Regards, Not

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capricorn
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Sun May 15, 2022 9:59 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Sat May 14, 2022 10:29 am
capricorn wrote:
Fri May 13, 2022 11:59 pm
I hope so Not- I'm tired! Lol! :wink:
Just a lack of match fitness Eira, you've been slacking.

You're a hard taskmaster, Not! :roll:

I hope you've settled in at your new place,
the welcome mat unrolled by friendly folk.
I miss our heart to hearts, your grinning face
when you recite another knock, knock joke.

Better, but not quite,
nanometres, Eira, nanometres!
Hope so - I'm on my knees :x

It's just the word 'recite' (so bland after 'grinning')

I'd argue with you, Not - but know you are right
Something like

when you assault/mangle/torment another knock, knock joke ... perhaps?

(Must admit, 'heart to hearts' not looking that strong compared to the lovely 'lift my loneliness awhile' ... but perhaps that's for another day.)
Perhaps it's sorted - hope so!
Regards, Not

.Eira
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Lia
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Sun May 15, 2022 10:25 pm

Saw the revision pop up and had to pop in, Eira.

This is smashing. Lovely tone maintained AND I've learnt a new word... which is something I probably shouldn't admit! But what a word 'riant' is!

Lia
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Mon May 16, 2022 1:10 pm

Hi Eira,
what on Earth are you doing down there?

I'm going to have to put my foot down on riant - what with me being a hard taskmaster and all (no point in having a whip if you can't crack it!) - it worked well in Breathless, but it's out of place here. Cheery would do, and alliterate with the excellent confidant.

I think the idea of bombarding is perfect, but the line doesn't flow as well as it might ... it's the riant face interruption. So, something like

even the barrages of awful knock, knock jokes. ?

Femtometres, Eira, femtometres!

Regards, Not

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capricorn
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Tue May 17, 2022 7:14 pm

Lia wrote:
Sun May 15, 2022 10:25 pm
Saw the revision pop up and had to pop in, Eira.

This is smashing. Lovely tone maintained AND I've learnt a new word... which is something I probably shouldn't admit! But what a word 'riant' is!

Lia
Thanks for calling back, Lia. I'd not heard of riant either until I used it in another poem last year. I've had my doubts about it here though as I have been trying to make this poem conversational. I don't think N would use it in a conversation to her Dad.
Eira
capricorn
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Tue May 17, 2022 7:26 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Mon May 16, 2022 1:10 pm
Hi Eira,
what on Earth are you doing down there?

Feeling dizzy with so many words spinning in my head! :?

I'm going to have to put my foot down on riant - what with me being a hard taskmaster and all (no point in having a whip if you can't crack it!) - it worked well in Breathless, but it's out of place here. Cheery would do, and alliterate with the excellent confidant.

I had already realised 'riant' wouldn't be right - not too keen on 'cheery either though.

I think the idea of bombarding is perfect, but the line doesn't flow as well as it might ... it's the riant face interruption. So, something like

even the barrages of awful knock, knock jokes. ?

I had thought of barrage (among other words - a long list) However your suggestion has 12 syllables which won't do for a sonnet. :x Have come up with a solution though. :)

Femtometres, Eira, femtometres!
Is that really a word? :?: Well, I hope I'm there now as I've just sorted out half a dozen old poems written about the same time as this one and need an overhaul.

Eira


Regards, Not

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Lia
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Wed May 18, 2022 7:56 am

"I don't think N would use it in a conversation to her Dad."

That's a very good point, Eira. I like the word itself, though, and will steal it one day! As for tone, I prefer bombarding. There's something more lighthearted about it when coupled with the dad and the 'jokes'.

Can't wait to read the half a dozen.

Lia
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Wed May 18, 2022 10:50 am

Hi Eira.

not too keen on 'cheery either though.
Fair enough

12 syllables
Oops, I hadn't been counting.

Have come up with a solution though. :)
You know what they say about pride, Eira?

No, I still don't think it's there yet, lacks that 'conversational flow' the the rest has.

I miss my confidant, the way your face
...
?

Is that really a word? :?:
Would I lie to you?

I've just sorted out half a dozen old poems written about the same time as this one and need an overhaul.
You don't scare me Eira, bring 'em on.

Regards, Not

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Leaf
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Wed May 18, 2022 8:46 pm

Hi Eira,

Apologies; I can't remember whether we've 'e-met' before. I'm Fliss and I went to uni in Birmingham :)

I really like your poem. Do you have any particular publication in mind for it?

Sorry this is just me looking in for now, rather than offering critique. I'm working long hours at the moment, but I'll pop back when I can ☕️ (with tea)

Best wishes,
Fliss
capricorn
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Wed May 18, 2022 11:09 pm

Lia wrote:
Wed May 18, 2022 7:56 am
"I don't think N would use it in a conversation to her Dad."

That's a very good point, Eira. I like the word itself, though, and will steal it one day! As for tone, I prefer bombarding. There's something more lighthearted about it when coupled with the dad and the 'jokes'.

Can't wait to read the half a dozen.

Lia
I had found another good word for 'riant' but seem to have lost it :roll: My own fault for not writing it down.
I agree about bombarding, but can't seem fit it into the rhythm now.

I'll get round to posting another soon. I need a rest from this one now.

Eira
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Wed May 18, 2022 11:23 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Wed May 18, 2022 10:50 am
Hi Eira.

No, I still don't think it's there yet, lacks that 'conversational flow' the the rest has.

I miss my confidant, the way your face
...
?

I've made a slight change to those 2 lines which I feel helps the flow. If it's still not there I'm leaving it to brew as I'm getting bogged down with going over those 2 lines again and again. :roll:

I've just sorted out half a dozen old poems written about the same time as this one and need an overhaul.
You don't scare me Eira, bring 'em on.

I'm sure you are rubbing your hands together with glee :lol:

Eira


Regards, Not

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capricorn
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Wed May 18, 2022 11:38 pm

Leaf wrote:
Wed May 18, 2022 8:46 pm
Hi Eira,
Hi Fliss,

Apologies; I can't remember whether we've 'e-met' before. I'm Fliss and I went to uni in Birmingham :)

I don't think we've met before - had a few long absences. Interesting you went to uni in B'ham. What did you study there?

I really like your poem. Do you have any particular publication in mind for it?

So glad you like this poem. I haven't thought of publication yet. The original was published in 'Nine Muses' a few years ago, but as that has 'closed down' now I thought I'd give the poem an overhaul.

Sorry this is just me looking in for now, rather than offering critique. I'm working long hours at the moment, but I'll pop back when I can ☕️ (with tea)

Looking forward to your return
Eira


Best wishes,
Fliss
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Lia
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Thu May 19, 2022 7:22 am

I had found another good word for 'riant' but seem to have lost it :roll: My own fault for not writing it down.

Oh no, that's annoying. It might find its way back to you.

I agree about bombarding, but can't seem fit it into the rhythm now.

I'm sorry, but I can't remember what those two lines looked like when bombarding was there. Was it,

I miss my confidant, that smiling face
when bombarding me with your knock knock jokes.

?

an alternative I suppose,

I miss my confidant, your smiling face
when I am bombarded with knock knock jokes.


I'll get round to posting another soon. I need a rest from this one now.

I don't blame you at all. You've worked hard on it and resting a poem is so important.

Eira

Lia
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Leaf
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Thu May 19, 2022 9:02 pm

Hi Eira,

Back again! :) I've had long absences too. I did Greek & Roman Studies at uni; I was going to do Eng. Lit. with it, but I didn't get the grades. due to illness. They took me on as a single honours student instead and I was happy about that as it meant I got to travel to Italy and Greece during my second year :D

Congrats on being published! Great idea to give the poem an overhaul. I see you're thinking about resting it for a while, so here's just one suggestion for now. At S1 LL3 and 4: I think a construction 'I miss our cosy chats, your warm embrace / and even your barrage' etc. might be stronger here. But by all means ignore this until you're ready to pick up the poem again. Sometimes I find that just taking a break to work on something else helps things click into place on another poem 👍

Best wishes,
Fliss ☕️
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Fri May 20, 2022 8:43 pm

Lia wrote:
Thu May 19, 2022 7:22 am
I had found another good word for 'riant' but seem to have lost it :roll: My own fault for not writing it down.

Oh no, that's annoying. It might find its way back to you.

I agree about bombarding, but can't seem fit it into the rhythm now.

I'm sorry, but I can't remember what those two lines looked like when bombarding was there. Was it,

I miss my confidant, that smiling face
when bombarding me with your knock knock jokes.

?

an alternative I suppose,

I miss my confidant, your smiling face
when I am bombarded with knock knock jokes.

I remember now, something went weird with my files and I copied most of the poem into a new one -- well I've just found the old file that I thought lost and it's


...........................................face,
bombarding me with awful knock-knock jokes

Problem here is it sounds like his face is doing the bombarding. Perhaps I'm being too fussy. :lol: Anyway, I've just posted another version without bombarding or barraging (I felt like a change)



I'll get round to posting another soon. I need a rest from this one now.

I don't blame you at all. You've worked hard on it and resting a poem is so important.

I can't seem to move on while this is on the boil
Eira


Lia
Last edited by capricorn on Sat May 21, 2022 10:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
capricorn
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Fri May 20, 2022 9:03 pm

Leaf wrote:
Thu May 19, 2022 9:02 pm
Hi Eira,

Back again! :) I've had long absences too. I did Greek & Roman Studies at uni; I was going to do Eng. Lit. with it, but I didn't get the grades. due to illness. They took me on as a single honours student instead and I was happy about that as it meant I got to travel to Italy and Greece during my second year :D
That sounds great - well done

Congrats on being published! Great idea to give the poem an overhaul.

I often come back to poems after a while. My muse is sleeping at the moment, so revising old ones keeps me thinking.


I see you're thinking about resting it for a while,

I'm always open to suggestions, even when resting.

so here's just one suggestion for now. At S1 LL3 and 4: I think a construction 'I miss our cosy chats, your warm embrace / and even your barrage' etc. might be stronger here.

I do like your suggestion and have written it in my file as an alternative. I only have one problem that is 'cosy' and 'warm' might be considered overused (as pointed out by Not)
Anyway, I have tried a new alternative- not sure if it's here to stay


But by all means ignore this until you're ready to pick up the poem again. Sometimes I find that just taking a break to work on something else helps things click into place on another poem 👍

Thanks for coming back here, your thoughts are valuable. I really must rest this, but can't seem to stop thinking about it. :roll:

Eira

Best wishes,
Fliss ☕️
capricorn
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Fri May 20, 2022 9:10 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Wed May 18, 2022 10:50 am
Hi Eira.

I miss my confidant, the way your face
...
?

I am still resting this, Not but have tried a different slant based on your suggestion above,

Eira
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Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am

capricorn wrote:
Fri May 20, 2022 9:10 pm
I am still resting this, Not
Interesting use of the word 'resting'.

Stop picking at it, Eira.

I know, I know, pot to kettle.

The new tweak doesn't quite work, for me. Shouldn't it be past tense? the way your face / would light up ...

And now to poke the hornets nest still further.

I miss you, confidant, and your disgrace
-full puns, the tragicomic knock knock jokes.


Regards, Not.

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Leaf
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Sat May 21, 2022 5:17 pm

Hi Eira,

Thanks for the well done :)

I like coming back to poems too and it's good to know you're still open to suggestions. I'm glad mine might be of use to you; I suppose 'cosy' could be something like 'teatime', if you were to return to the previous wording ☕️

You're welcome for the thoughts. I think some poems just stay with us sometimes, for some reason. There's a warmth to this one that really appeals to me.

Best wishes,
Fliss
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Sat May 21, 2022 11:02 pm

NotQuiteSure wrote:
Sat May 21, 2022 11:26 am
capricorn wrote:
Fri May 20, 2022 9:10 pm
I am still resting this, Not
Interesting use of the word 'resting'.

Resting is interesting, Not :?

Stop picking at it, Eira.

Perhaps I would if you agreed with one revision


I know, I know, pot to kettle. :roll:

The new tweak doesn't quite work, for me. Shouldn't it be past tense? the way your face / would light up ...

Tense can easily be changed
And now to poke the hornets nest still further.

I miss you, confidant, and your disgrace
-full puns, the tragicomic knock knock jokes.

Definitely not, Not! One thing I have realised is that if I'm not careful I'm going to get away from my conversational tone - even confidant is a word perhaps N would not use to Dad.

I'll keep trying - while I'm resting :wink:


Regards, Not.

.
capricorn
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Sat May 21, 2022 11:22 pm

Leaf wrote:
Sat May 21, 2022 5:17 pm
Hi Eira,

HiFliss,
Thanks for the well done :)

I like coming back to poems too and it's good to know you're still open to suggestions. I'm glad mine might be of use to you; I suppose 'cosy' could be something like 'teatime', if you were to return to the previous wording ☕️

I really like your suggestion of 'teatime'- brilliant! I have taken a step back and realised I must still keep this simple. I'm trying to keep the feelings of my original alive. Teatime chats is just perfect after all most chats happen with a cuppa.

You're welcome for the thoughts. I think some poems just stay with us sometimes, for some reason. There's a warmth to this one that really appeals to me.

So pleased to hear that - I must strive to keep that warmth! :)

Hope to see you again
Eira


Best wishes,
Fliss
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Sun May 22, 2022 10:39 am

Hi Eira,
capricorn wrote:
Sat May 21, 2022 11:02 pm
Definitely not, Not!
I know :) I allowed myself to get carried away.

I like 'tea-time chats' (though I also liked 'my confidant', which seemed conversational enough. Let's face it, S2/L1 is hardly 'conversational, but it is absolutely perfect.) For me it's trying to get from chats to 'knock knock jokes' smoothly that is the problem.

I hope you've settled in at your new place,
the welcome mat unrolled by friendly folk.
I miss our teatime chats and your embrace.
I even miss your blinking knock-knock jokes!

Conversational enough for you? :)

Regards, Not.


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Leaf
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Sun May 22, 2022 6:37 pm

Hi Eira,

I'm happy 'teatime' works for you ☕️ and it looks like taking a step back was a good move. The poem feels right now, to me at least. That said, you have the option of taking up Not's suggestion if you feel it's appropriate. I look forward to reading your next poem :)

Best wishes,
Fliss
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Lia
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Sun May 22, 2022 8:23 pm

The latest version of S1 looks good to me, Eira. Mind you, I've liked several of them!

Lia
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