Coming Up Short

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ray miller
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Tue Jun 21, 2022 11:38 am

If he’d invested in an ISA
but he visited the bookie.
If he’d only made you moister
rather than this sense of duty.

If he’d have sought enlightenment,
not indulged in dope and acid.
If you’d squeezed his throat much tighter when
he lay there so impassive.

Life could have turned out nicer
if he sang like Leonard Cohen,
who would have been preciser
with the scansion of this poem.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Macavity
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Tue Jun 21, 2022 2:02 pm

S1 is excellent. After the brill ISA/moister, the nicer/preciser was not so inventive.
The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne.
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Lia
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Wed Jun 22, 2022 7:52 am

I'm not sure, Phil. I think the last stanza is intentional because the narrator is saying that they're not Cohen. While I'm tempted to suggest 'sweeter' to Ray, it would probably make the point less obvious.


Hello Ray. Thoroughly enjoy all of this, and the title. My favourite is (if favourite is the right word!),

"If you’d squeezed his throat much tighter when
he lay there so impassive."

Very nice timing with that. Sometimes breaking on words like 'when' create a more natural and conversational dialogue within a rhyme - my reason for 'in' in elephants, though in craft it doesn't work as well as this. It's always so good to see how you tackle rhyme and make it appear so relaxed and loose. I'd like to learn how to do it myself.

Lia
ray miller
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 12:25 pm

Macavity wrote:
Tue Jun 21, 2022 2:02 pm
S1 is excellent. After the brill ISA/moister, the nicer/preciser was not so inventive.
Thanks, Phil. preciser isn't generally regarded as a proper word so I was a little inventive.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
ray miller
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 12:27 pm

Thanks, Lia. You're far too kind.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Macavity
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Thu Jun 23, 2022 3:18 pm

Phil. preciser isn't generally regarded as a proper word so I was a little inventive.
:oops: :lol: my working class origins :D
The lyf so short, the craft so long to lerne.
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