Triumphant (rev 6)

[Lia]

A very nice revision, Eira. It captures the tone and tenor of the aesthetic. In the fourth stanza, would you consider breaking on 'lunge'?

frenzied beaks lunge
at his snaking neck until
he surrenders.

A few years ago, I was in a Swiss field and watched a heron on foot with several crows hopping after it. They were making an awful racket, and were much like how you describe them in your poem.

Lia

[capricorn]

Greetings!

I like the idea of haiku that could stand individually, but also make sense together. In addition to other pleasant effects, it has the feeling of a paneled story. But more than that, several haiku laid one after the next like this works well, since any object selected from nature for a haiku has been selected out of all nature, any part of which, could presumably be a subject for haiku. If I were to nitpick -- I mean super nitty -- I'd recontemplate the word "startled" since it's an interpretation of an action and not just the sensory experience of the object itself. But as I said, that's super-duper nitty, so FWIW. I don't see forms like this often, nor do I see form-as-a-carrier-of-the-message, so bravo! That's something I love.

Hello D

It's only the beginning st that is a haiku (as an introduction), the following are just 3 line stanzas. (I'm not that clever to write a complete poem in haiku )

Thanks for pointing out the 'startled' issue, I eventually decided to delete it as I have been trimming back.

Eira

[capricorn]

Hi Eira,
a step in the right direction, I think. But I wonder if you need the 'surrenders' element (given that's what the unfurling flags mean)?

Hi Not,

I decided to delete surrenders

fish glide among lilies.
crow nests rock in poplar arms:
the crane is hungry

I've also revised the beginning (trying to make it a better haiku) and I think I've now got an 'aha' moment

a hungry crane nears
poplar arms rocking crow nests;
fish glide though lilies


Line 1&2 create a scene of a hungry crane approaching the trees - then the 'aha' moment - he's not interested in the nests but the fish. Hope this works.

Eira
.

[capricorn]

A very nice revision, Eira. It captures the tone and tenor of the aesthetic. In the fourth stanza, would you consider breaking on 'lunge'?

frenzied beaks lunge
at his snaking neck until
he surrenders.

Done that - it's better breaking at lunge.

I've also deleted 2 words which I hope has added to conciseness

A few years ago, I was in a Swiss field and watched a heron on foot with several crows hopping after it. They were making an awful racket, and were much like how you describe them in your poem.

We have lots of crows in our garden and it is so interesting watching them. We found a dead pigeon once and I'm sure it was them. (poem written)

Eira
Lia

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira.
I think the more concise it becomes the better it gets.

Line 1&2 create a scene of a hungry crane approaching the trees - then the 'aha' moment - he's not interested in the nests but the fish. Hope this works.
I'm not sure it does. It rather depends on whether cranes ever eats young crows (not something I know.)
I did wonder if the key word is oblivious. The crane doesn't notice the nests, the carp don't see the crane, and the crows are focused on their young (or posing on the lawn) so don't pay any attention to the crane (or the fish!)
(Any way to improve on 'nears'? Something to do with the sky/clouds to which the crane eventually returns?)


Neb stabbing into a sway
of reeds the crane snaps a carp

gulps its struggling body and rises
to rest on a poplar branch.

Caws explode - a thrash of black
and frenzied beaks pursue the crane

stabbing at his snaking neck
they force feathered flags to fly.

Arching into (a sun-bright) blue
the clouds devour him.


Regards, Not

.

[capricorn]

Hi Eira.
I think the more concise it becomes the better it gets.

I agree, Not and I have revised again using some of your suggestions to tighten up more.

Line 1&2 create a scene of a hungry crane approaching the trees - then the 'aha' moment - he's not interested in the nests but the fish. Hope this works.
I'm not sure it does. It rather depends on whether cranes ever eats young crows (not something I know.)
I did wonder if the key word is oblivious. The crane doesn't notice the nests, the carp don't see the crane, and the crows are focused on their young (or posing on the lawn) so don't pay any attention to the crane (or the fish!)
(Any way to improve on 'nears'? Something to do with the sky/clouds to which the crane eventually returns?)

I have used circles instead of nears, but I'm still thinking on the 'haiku' stanza and experimenting. Your comment on 'oblivious' got me thinking perhaps something like
fish glide through lilies
crow nests rock in poplar arms;
all oblivious



Neb stabbing into a sway
of reeds the crane snaps a carp

gulps its struggling body and rises
to rest on a poplar branch.

Caws explode - a thrash of black
and frenzied beaks pursue the crane

stabbing at his snaking neck
they force feathered flags to fly.

Arching into (a sun-bright) blue
the clouds devour him.

I feel quite satisfied with the body of the poem now - but still undecided on the haiku wording. Thanks for your help
Regards, Not

.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Eira.
Still not sure that 'vivid' isn't over egging the pudding (similarly, isn't 'on a branch' clear given what happens next?)
I agree about the haiku element. Don't know if this will help but ...

fish mouth through lilies
from the poplar crow's nests sing;
the crane is silent

Regards, Not

.

[capricorn]

Hi Eira.
Still not sure that 'vivid' isn't over egging the pudding (similarly, isn't 'on a branch' clear given what happens next?)
I agree about the haiku element. Don't know if this will help but ...

fish mouth through lilies
from the poplar crow's nests sing;
the crane is silent

Regards, Not

.

Hi Not,
I used 'vivid' as I felt it sounded good with devour (v sounds). I'll think on that.

I liked some of your changes for the haiku - changed the last line.

Eira