Stalker.

[ton321]

All Summer I hunted Carp in the canal, my new
obsession, those things
full of deep cunning, but shy as door-mice.

Mornings they would slobber like feeding pigs,
or jump straight through the mist-covered surface
and shatter the silence like breaking glass.

When they are wary they sink to the bottom
and stay there,
like a submarine with its engines off and everyone statued.

Now I hunt a different kind of prey. It begins
as a word or a feeling, my pen and ink
catches the breath, does the reeling.

[camus]

Ton,

Love the premise, close to my heart.

I'd say a couple of clichés let it down?

shy as door-mice

Should also be 'dormice'

slobber like pigs

Not only a cliché, but I think it does the mighty carp an injustice. They gulp for sure, but 'slobber like pigs' I don't think that simile works particularly well?

or jump straight through mist covered surface
shatter(ing) the silence like broken glass.

If I must continue on the cliché road (which I must) "shatter(ing) the silence like broken glass" is also another well-trodden trope.

I think the poem redeems itself in the final 2 stanzas.

like a submarine with its engines off and everyone statued.

Not sure "everyone statued" is required?

Nice closure.

I've had a bit of a go at this poem. Only because I think it could be something great with a bit of tinkering.

Cheers
Kris

[David]

Just been watching Whitehouse and Mortimer Go Fishing. They were after carp (crucian, apparently). Beautiful fish (and I'm no fisherman).

A few good pointers there from Kris, and I'm with him on the virtues of the final stanzas.

Cheers

David

P.S. It's a sort of rewrite of Heaney's "Follower"?

[jisbell00]

This is a lot of fun. Also, yup, there are cliches in the scaffolding.

Cheers,
John

[capricorn]

The beginning of this reminded me of my son trying to catch carp in a nearby canal. An enjoyable read but I can't think of carp as 'slobbering'

Eira

[ray miller]

Last stanza is very good. Perhaps 3rd stanza should be in past tense like the previous two. I'd be rid of the broken glass.

[ton321]

Cheers Kris.

It needs re-writing and the cliches need sorting out but glad you like some parts of it. I used to be mad about fishing when I was younger-getting up at 4 o clock in the morning, or even night-fishing by myself. Always felt there was a metaphor between fishing and creativity/writing.

David- I'll have a look at the piece- have been reading a bit of Heaney so that might be the reason.
John, Elra , Ray, thanks for the comments/suggestions. You'd be surprised what strange noises carp make when they are feeding

[camus]

I used to be mad about fishing when I was younger-getting up at 4 o clock in the morning, or even night-fishing by myself.

Me too. I've laxed a bit over the last few years, but fully intend to get back into it next year. I'm a fair weather fisherman! There is nothing quite like a still lake/pond first thing, or last thing. Tench are my favourite fish to catch, a solid fight, beautiful creatures.

Most definitely one to work on.

Cheers
Kris

[capricorn]

John, Elra , Ray, thanks for the comments/suggestions. You'd be surprised what strange noises carp make when they are feeding

Yes, I know what you mean, my son's goldfish and loaches come up and make awful greedy gulping noises when they feed. However, doesn't slobbering mean saliva spilling from mouths, which isn't very fish-like. I think its more a sound you need -gobbling or guzzling perhaps.

Eira