Halloween Breakdown (revision 3)
I've been away too long (a lot going on in my life) and I've just found this I started last year and never posted the last revision I wrote in December, so I'm posting it now.
I'll get round to commenting on others soon.
Halloween Breakdown (December Revision)
My engine stalls as starless skies
devour the day until sunrise.
I grab my phone.
The signal’s lost. There’s no one near
yet distant laugher stirs the fear
I’m not alone.
The moon is such a welcome sight
to light my walk. It’s past midnight.
I hear a shrill
and sudden shrieking of an owl
as bats take flight and canines howl.
I run until
I spot a cottage in the pines
door shaking, as the North wind whines-
then opens wide.
A crooked woman’s bony finger
beckons and she croaks don’t linger
come inside.
Stirring a pot, she says it’s stew
and I have been expecting you.
Her pointed hat
is shelved beside a besom broom,
as creatures stare out of glass tombs.
Her Bombay cat
purrs on a wolf skin mat and glares
with copper eyes. Crone grabs my hair,
I see her knife
just out of reach, but snatch her pestle
off the shelf, begin to wrestle
for my life.
I’m dragged toward the raging heat
This casserole needs tasty meat.
I struggle free
and make a dash towards the door
but hear her footsteps on the floor
not far from me.
Reaching out I gasp with shock
to find the key’s not in the lock.
Like a banshee
wailing, she drags me to the broth
again, and grabs a filthy cloth
to blindfold me.
I quickly turn and grab a scoop
to splash her face with bubbling soup.
Then in a craze
she trips across her cat. Flames surge
with acrid smoke. I watch her merge
into the blaze.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Halloween Breakdown (rev 2)
My engine stalls as starless skies
devour the day and tantalize.
I grab my phone
but signal’s lost, there’s no one near
yet distant laugher makes me fear
I’m not alone.
The moon is such a welcome sight
to light my walk this stormy night.
I hear a shrill
persistent sound, a sudden shout
as bats take flight. Are ghouls about?
I run until
I spy a cottage in the trees
its door swings gently in the breeze
then opens wide.
She beckons with a crooked finger -
dressed in black she croaks don’t linger
come inside.
Stirring a pot, she offers stew
and says I’ve been expecting you.
Her pointed hat
is shelved beside a besom broom,
dissected creatures in glass tombs.
Her Bombay cat
purrs on a wolfskin mat and stares
with copper eyes. Crone grabs my hair
I feel her knife
against my back and snatch her pestle
off the shelf, begin to wrestle
for my life.
She drags me near the bubbling pot
head spinning as it’s fiercely hot.
I struggle free
and make a dash towards the door
but hear her footsteps on the floor
not far from me.
Reaching out I gasp with shock
because the heavy door is locked
and in a craze
she stumbles over puss. Flames surge
with acrid smoke. I watch her merge
into the blaze.
---------------------------------------------
Halloween Breakdown (revision)
My engine stalls as twilit skies
devour the day and tantalize.
I grab my phone
but signal’s lost. The road appears
deserted - yet leaves crackle near.
Am I alone?
The moon is such a welcome sight
to light my way this shadowed night
I hear a shrill
persistent sound and then a shout.
They say tonight, ghouls are about
when air is chilled.
I spy a cottage in the trees
its door is blowing in the breeze
then opens wide.
I’m beckoned by a crooked finger -
dressed in black she croaks don’t linger
come inside.
Stirring a pot, she offers tea
and says she is expecting me.
Her pointed hat
is shelved beside a besom broom
and diverse creatures in glass tombs.
Her Bombay cat,
purrs on a sheepskin mat and stares
with big black eyes. Crone grabs my hair
- I struggle free
and make a dash towards the door
but hear her footsteps on the floor
not far from me.
I reach out gasping, find it’s locked,
turn around to fight her off - shocked
to see her fall
into the fire. As flames upsurge
with acrid smoke, I watch her merge
into the wall.
----------------------------------------------
Just found this one in my archives written in Logarhyme form. It was published many years ago, but I'm sure I could make some changes
tweaks are in red (thanks Ray)
Halloween Breakdown
My engine stalls as twilit skies
devour the night to tantalize
my thoughts. I rush
for help. The narrow roadway seems
deserted, distant creatures scream
‘til there’s a hush.
Full moon diffuses eerie light
where shadows dance and bats take flight.
I feel a thrill
to spy a cottage through the trees,
its windows rattle while the breeze
is turning chill.
I'm beckoned with a horny finger
she says, enter … do not linger
out in damp
night air. I scan the room and shiver
… what a sight! Her cackle quivers
as the lamp
light flickers, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. I'm forced to wrestle
with the crone,
who stirs her pot of spooky things,
that fire my wild imaginings
with flesh and bone.
Outside the wind begins to squall
as time ticks loudly on the wall.
I struggle free
and make a dash towards the door,
her footsteps echo on the floor
not far from me.
I reach the window near the lane
as light glints through the window pane
-- a rooster calls.
I gasp as flames begin to surge
amidst the smoke and watch her merge
into the wall.
I'll get round to commenting on others soon.
Halloween Breakdown (December Revision)
My engine stalls as starless skies
devour the day until sunrise.
I grab my phone.
The signal’s lost. There’s no one near
yet distant laugher stirs the fear
I’m not alone.
The moon is such a welcome sight
to light my walk. It’s past midnight.
I hear a shrill
and sudden shrieking of an owl
as bats take flight and canines howl.
I run until
I spot a cottage in the pines
door shaking, as the North wind whines-
then opens wide.
A crooked woman’s bony finger
beckons and she croaks don’t linger
come inside.
Stirring a pot, she says it’s stew
and I have been expecting you.
Her pointed hat
is shelved beside a besom broom,
as creatures stare out of glass tombs.
Her Bombay cat
purrs on a wolf skin mat and glares
with copper eyes. Crone grabs my hair,
I see her knife
just out of reach, but snatch her pestle
off the shelf, begin to wrestle
for my life.
I’m dragged toward the raging heat
This casserole needs tasty meat.
I struggle free
and make a dash towards the door
but hear her footsteps on the floor
not far from me.
Reaching out I gasp with shock
to find the key’s not in the lock.
Like a banshee
wailing, she drags me to the broth
again, and grabs a filthy cloth
to blindfold me.
I quickly turn and grab a scoop
to splash her face with bubbling soup.
Then in a craze
she trips across her cat. Flames surge
with acrid smoke. I watch her merge
into the blaze.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Halloween Breakdown (rev 2)
My engine stalls as starless skies
devour the day and tantalize.
I grab my phone
but signal’s lost, there’s no one near
yet distant laugher makes me fear
I’m not alone.
The moon is such a welcome sight
to light my walk this stormy night.
I hear a shrill
persistent sound, a sudden shout
as bats take flight. Are ghouls about?
I run until
I spy a cottage in the trees
its door swings gently in the breeze
then opens wide.
She beckons with a crooked finger -
dressed in black she croaks don’t linger
come inside.
Stirring a pot, she offers stew
and says I’ve been expecting you.
Her pointed hat
is shelved beside a besom broom,
dissected creatures in glass tombs.
Her Bombay cat
purrs on a wolfskin mat and stares
with copper eyes. Crone grabs my hair
I feel her knife
against my back and snatch her pestle
off the shelf, begin to wrestle
for my life.
She drags me near the bubbling pot
head spinning as it’s fiercely hot.
I struggle free
and make a dash towards the door
but hear her footsteps on the floor
not far from me.
Reaching out I gasp with shock
because the heavy door is locked
and in a craze
she stumbles over puss. Flames surge
with acrid smoke. I watch her merge
into the blaze.
---------------------------------------------
Halloween Breakdown (revision)
My engine stalls as twilit skies
devour the day and tantalize.
I grab my phone
but signal’s lost. The road appears
deserted - yet leaves crackle near.
Am I alone?
The moon is such a welcome sight
to light my way this shadowed night
I hear a shrill
persistent sound and then a shout.
They say tonight, ghouls are about
when air is chilled.
I spy a cottage in the trees
its door is blowing in the breeze
then opens wide.
I’m beckoned by a crooked finger -
dressed in black she croaks don’t linger
come inside.
Stirring a pot, she offers tea
and says she is expecting me.
Her pointed hat
is shelved beside a besom broom
and diverse creatures in glass tombs.
Her Bombay cat,
purrs on a sheepskin mat and stares
with big black eyes. Crone grabs my hair
- I struggle free
and make a dash towards the door
but hear her footsteps on the floor
not far from me.
I reach out gasping, find it’s locked,
turn around to fight her off - shocked
to see her fall
into the fire. As flames upsurge
with acrid smoke, I watch her merge
into the wall.
----------------------------------------------
Just found this one in my archives written in Logarhyme form. It was published many years ago, but I'm sure I could make some changes
tweaks are in red (thanks Ray)
Halloween Breakdown
My engine stalls as twilit skies
devour the night to tantalize
my thoughts. I rush
for help. The narrow roadway seems
deserted, distant creatures scream
‘til there’s a hush.
Full moon diffuses eerie light
where shadows dance and bats take flight.
I feel a thrill
to spy a cottage through the trees,
its windows rattle while the breeze
is turning chill.
I'm beckoned with a horny finger
she says, enter … do not linger
out in damp
night air. I scan the room and shiver
… what a sight! Her cackle quivers
as the lamp
light flickers, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. I'm forced to wrestle
with the crone,
who stirs her pot of spooky things,
that fire my wild imaginings
with flesh and bone.
Outside the wind begins to squall
as time ticks loudly on the wall.
I struggle free
and make a dash towards the door,
her footsteps echo on the floor
not far from me.
I reach the window near the lane
as light glints through the window pane
-- a rooster calls.
I gasp as flames begin to surge
amidst the smoke and watch her merge
into the wall.
Last edited by capricorn on Tue Oct 31, 2023 12:13 am, edited 7 times in total.
haha very good, Eira. The one thing a person should never do is have a breakdown on Halloween!
I love the spookiness of it - the bats, the rattle, the beckoning finger, the pot, the witch's footsteps and how she merges into the wall. That'll teach the narrator not to go for help in the woods! I actually have a particularly dark and spooky poem about a cabin in the woods (including a witch!), but I'll keep that for next Halloween.
I think I'll just enjoy your poem this evening, but I'll come back again with a critter's eye and suggestions if I can think of anything.
Much enjoyed.
Lia
I love the spookiness of it - the bats, the rattle, the beckoning finger, the pot, the witch's footsteps and how she merges into the wall. That'll teach the narrator not to go for help in the woods! I actually have a particularly dark and spooky poem about a cabin in the woods (including a witch!), but I'll keep that for next Halloween.
I think I'll just enjoy your poem this evening, but I'll come back again with a critter's eye and suggestions if I can think of anything.
Much enjoyed.
Lia
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Very good. My only quibble would be in how the story unfolds in a couple of places
She beckons with a horny finger
saying, enter … do not linger
"She" appears without explanation, you could have "I'm beckoned with a horny finger,/ she says, enter...
Again, I try to wrestle
with the crone,
Maybe "I'm forced to wrestle..." is less abrupt.
She beckons with a horny finger
saying, enter … do not linger
"She" appears without explanation, you could have "I'm beckoned with a horny finger,/ she says, enter...
Again, I try to wrestle
with the crone,
Maybe "I'm forced to wrestle..." is less abrupt.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
Lia wrote: ↑Mon Oct 31, 2022 11:22 pmhaha very good, Eira. The one thing a person should never do is have a breakdown on Halloween!
I love the spookiness of it - the bats, the rattle, the beckoning finger, the pot, the witch's footsteps and how she merges into the wall. That'll teach the narrator not to go for help in the woods! I actually have a particularly dark and spooky poem about a cabin in the woods (including a witch!), but I'll keep that for next Halloween.
I think I'll just enjoy your poem this evening, but I'll come back again with a critter's eye and suggestions if I can think of anything.
Much enjoyed.
Thanks Lia,
I'm already looking forward to next Halloween and reading your poem
Eira
Lia
Thanks Ray,ray miller wrote: ↑Tue Nov 01, 2022 10:00 amVery good. My only quibble would be in how the story unfolds in a couple of places
She beckons with a horny finger
saying, enter … do not linger
"She" appears without explanation, you could have "I'm beckoned with a horny finger,/ she says, enter...
Again, I try to wrestle
with the crone,
Maybe "I'm forced to wrestle..." is less abrupt.
The places you pointed out are the 2 places that I felt weren't right when I checked the poem before posting. I've made the changes - thank you
Eira
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- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi Eira,
interesting form (and new to me.)
It's a strong start but I don't feel the cottage section and the end live up to it.
Also, I'm a bit baffled how the 'crone' is both wrestling N and stirring her pot at the same time?
Where is the explicit threat here? A woman invites N into her house and then (for no apparent reason) suddenly there's wrasslin'. Strange, but not necessarily scary.
Halloween Breakdown .............. Nice title. The car and N!
My engine stalls as twilit skies
devour the night to tantalize ................ shouldn't 'night' be 'day'?
my thoughts. I rush ................... this looks purely rhyme driven. Where (and why) is N rushing? Because it's quite a few lines before they 'spy a cottage through the trees'.
for help. The narrow roadway seems
deserted, distant creatures scream
‘til there’s a hush.
Wonder if you couldn't have a bit more detail about being on that road? Was there a detour, has the GPS stopped working, things to develop a bit more tension, along with the deserted roadway and distant creatures. (the 'scream' is just overdoing things.)
Full moon diffuses eerie light
where shadows dance and bats take flight.
I feel a thrill
to spy a cottage through the trees,
its windows rattle while the breeze ........... would a breeze rattle windows?
is turning chill.
I'm beckoned by a crooked finger
a croaking, Enter … do not linger
in the damp
night air. I scan the room and shiver
… what a sight! A cackle quivers
as the lamp
light flickers, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. I'm forced to wrestle ..............I really think you need more of a description of the interior (and maybe even the crone) before you jump to the action.
light flickers, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. mortars, pestles
things in flasks
awful things, bulbs and roots
a besom broom, a cat and boots
I turn to ask
...
There's something of a modern Gretel (without Hansel) about this, especially the ending, the witch going up in flames - always good to stick to the classics. Just needs a bit more of a twist to it, I think.
Enjoyed it.
Not
.
interesting form (and new to me.)
It's a strong start but I don't feel the cottage section and the end live up to it.
Also, I'm a bit baffled how the 'crone' is both wrestling N and stirring her pot at the same time?
Where is the explicit threat here? A woman invites N into her house and then (for no apparent reason) suddenly there's wrasslin'. Strange, but not necessarily scary.
Halloween Breakdown .............. Nice title. The car and N!
My engine stalls as twilit skies
devour the night to tantalize ................ shouldn't 'night' be 'day'?
my thoughts. I rush ................... this looks purely rhyme driven. Where (and why) is N rushing? Because it's quite a few lines before they 'spy a cottage through the trees'.
for help. The narrow roadway seems
deserted, distant creatures scream
‘til there’s a hush.
Wonder if you couldn't have a bit more detail about being on that road? Was there a detour, has the GPS stopped working, things to develop a bit more tension, along with the deserted roadway and distant creatures. (the 'scream' is just overdoing things.)
Full moon diffuses eerie light
where shadows dance and bats take flight.
I feel a thrill
to spy a cottage through the trees,
its windows rattle while the breeze ........... would a breeze rattle windows?
is turning chill.
I'm beckoned by a crooked finger
a croaking, Enter … do not linger
in the damp
night air. I scan the room and shiver
… what a sight! A cackle quivers
as the lamp
light flickers, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. I'm forced to wrestle ..............I really think you need more of a description of the interior (and maybe even the crone) before you jump to the action.
light flickers, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. mortars, pestles
things in flasks
awful things, bulbs and roots
a besom broom, a cat and boots
I turn to ask
...
There's something of a modern Gretel (without Hansel) about this, especially the ending, the witch going up in flames - always good to stick to the classics. Just needs a bit more of a twist to it, I think.
Enjoyed it.
Not
.
NotQuiteSure wrote: ↑Wed Nov 02, 2022 2:42 pmHi Eira,
interesting form (and new to me.) It is unusual.
It's a strong start but I don't feel the cottage section and the end live up to it.
Also, I'm a bit baffled how the 'crone' is both wrestling N and stirring her pot at the same time? Haha!! I knew you wouldn't miss that one
Where is the explicit threat here? A woman invites N into her house and then (for no apparent reason) suddenly there's wrasslin'. Strange, but not necessarily scary.
I'd be scared, Not
Halloween Breakdown .............. Nice title. The car and N!
My engine stalls as twilit skies
devour the night to tantalize ................ shouldn't 'night' be 'day'?
my thoughts. I rush ................... this looks purely rhyme driven. Where (and why) is N rushing? Because it's quite a few lines before they 'spy a cottage through the trees'.
Well, I think I'd rush for help when it's getting dark on Halloween. I have since found an earlier version where I say ' my phone is dead' - perhaps I should go back to this.
for help. The narrow roadway seems
deserted, distant creatures scream
‘til there’s a hush.
Wonder if you couldn't have a bit more detail about being on that road? Was there a detour, has the GPS stopped working, things to develop a bit more tension, along with the deserted roadway and distant creatures. (the 'scream' is just overdoing things.)
I'll think on that
Full moon diffuses eerie light
where shadows dance and bats take flight.
I feel a thrill
to spy a cottage through the trees,
its windows rattle while the breeze ........... would a breeze rattle windows?
is turning chill.
Good point
I'm beckoned by a crooked finger
a croaking, Enter … do not linger
in the damp
night air. I scan the room and shiver
… what a sight! A cackle quivers
as the lamp
light flickers, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. I'm forced to wrestle ..............I really think you need more of a description of the interior (and maybe even the crone) before you jump to the action.
Good idea
light flickers, silhouetting vessels
on the shelves. mortars, pestles
things in flasks
awful things, bulbs and roots
a besom broom, a cat and boots
I turn to ask
...
There's something of a modern Gretel (without Hansel) about this, especially the ending, the witch going up in flames - always good to stick to the classics. Just needs a bit more of a twist to it, I think.
Enjoyed it.
Glad you enjoyed, Not. It's an oldie I posted last minute but have since found that it was written in 2005 and my original in 2004, so I'm trying to get my mind back to when I wrote it (a long time ago) I think I prefer some parts of the original. I think I shall compare both versions - with your suggestions as I revise. So with the rhymes and form this might take me ages. (Well that's nothing new I hear you say ) I suppose I have got until next Halloween.
Eira
Not
.
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Hi Eira.
No need to hurry on my account, you pace yourself.
Regards, Not
.
It's why they pay me the big buck!
Doesn't rush suggest N knows where they are going?
'This' or something like it. Build the tension (a few more specifics, not just 'deserted narrow roadway') ... then you can rush!
No need to hurry on my account, you pace yourself.
Regards, Not
.
Well I'm back with a revision, Not - would have been back sooner but I've had a horrible cold.
I think I've addressed most of the issues you mentioned. Had fun with this one, but I'm sure I've not done with it yet,
Eira
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- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Good Lord, has it been a year already? Tempus whatnot.
Are there nice colds? Never mind, focus! Glad your better.
Well, lots to like. It's a definite improvement as far as I'm concerned. But (of course there's a but!) three things: I don't think the scene is set well enough. There's space to paint a more detailed picture of where this is happening. Second, the 'attack section' - it's all a bit sudden (as it were) and feels too ... out of the blue-ish. If you could figure out a way to suggest why the crone is attacking N, is it because she's looking to fill another 'glass tomb'? I think that would be a useful addition. Similarly, make it a bit more of a battle, the witch ending up in the fire seems to happen off-stage. If you're set on this though, maybe imply that the reason she fell is the cat tripped her?
Basically, what I'm saying is I want more.
I like the Bombay cat (new name for me), but aren't their eyes yellow, not black?
Diverse is a bit weak, in terms of sending shivers, isn't it? (And malformed things in glass, entombed ?)
I think it might be worth considering switching the order of the first two verses (oh, yes, and who or what is being tantalized?)
The moon is such a welcome sight
to light my way this shadowed night ......... maybe on this dark and stormy* night ?
I hear a shrill
persistent sound and then a shout. ............ I don't think these noises are doing enough (and you don't return to 'sounds' later.)
They say tonight, ghouls are about .......... Any way to avoid 'they say' (just a personal bugbear.)
when air is chilled..................................... ghouls are about / and out to kill ?
* not a serious suggestion, but I couldn't resist it. (to me on this unhallowed night ?)
My engine stalls as twilit skies .............maybe 'starless' or something a bit 'darker' instead of 'twilit'?
devour the day and tantalize.
I grab my phone
but signal’s lost. The road appears
deserted - yet leaves crackle near. .............'crackle' not that terrifying
Am I alone?
I spy a cottage in the trees
its door is blowing in the breeze .......... you may have to revisit trees, I don't think the 'blowing in the breeze' is working.
then opens wide.
I’m beckoned by a crooked finger -
dressed in black she croaks don’t linger ............ read's like it's the finger that's dressed in black.
come inside.
Stirring a pot, she offers tea
and says she is expecting me. ........................ Just because I want a James Bond reference.
Stirring a pot of (is that stew?)
she says, "I've been expecting you."
Her pointed hatis shelved beside a besom broom
and diverse creatures in glass tombs.
Her Bombay cat,
purrs on a sheepskin mat and stares ............. sheepskin? Really? Why not wolfskin?
with big black eyes. Crone grabs my hair
- I struggle free..............................................two lines? Hardly an epic struggle!
and make a dash towards the door
but hear her footsteps on the floor
not far from me.
I reach out gasping, find it’s locked,
turn around to fight her off - shocked
to see her fall
into the fire. As flames upsurge
with acrid smoke, I watch her merge
into the wall. ............................................Just a thought, but ... rather than merge into the wall is there any way to have her disappear up the chimney (which is how witches were traditionally supposed to leave their houses on their broomsticks)? Leaving it an open question whether she died or escaped.
Some (entirely ignorable) nudges.
The moon is such a welcome sight
to me on this unhallowed night
I crest the hill
and spy, below, a valley stretching
row on row of pines. A winding
road. A rill
that ribbons to a river wide.
My engine stalls. The sombre sky's
devoured the day.
I grab my phone. The signal's lost.
There is no hope for it, I must
make my way
alone, on foot in search of shelter,
warmth, a land-line. So, I start to
walk. The path
leads down and down. It looks abandoned.
How cold it is, this eldritch land
this eerie earth.
where shadows seem to throb with life
I clutch my keys, long for a knife
each sound becomes
a hidden menace, mortal threat
I know there's nothing there, and yet
I want to run
....
Same time next year?
Not.
No time to answer properly, Not, I tried reversing the 1st stanzas but didn't feel it worked so well. I've addressed some issues and put more details in the revision. I decided if I don't work on this now I never will
Eira
Eira
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I hear you. Work you ask for, and work you shall receive.
The main problem for me is the ending (the last four lines in particular) still feels rushed. There no real build up of tension.
Re-reading I was wondering if you saw this as a kid's poem (suitable for Dirigible Balloon, say)?
S1. Gotta do something about 'tantalize', really not working (for me.)
I realise it would cost you the excellent 'devours the day' but ...
A midnight road, my engine stalls
they'll be worried, I should call.
I grab my phone.
but signal’s lost. There’s no one near
yet something, something makes me fear
I’m not alone
S2. Not sure about 'shrill persistent sound' (makes me thing N's phone is buzzing or something.)
The moon is such a welcome sight
to light my way this eldritch night.
But then a shrill
and sudden howl, and then a whirr*
as bats take flight. Is someone there?**
I run until
* I know, two 'thens', but thought the sense of 'one thing after another' made up for the repetition.
** obviously accent dependent
S3. You and your breeze!
I spot a cottage in the oaks
as I approach it, hinges croak
a door swings wide
And from within bony fingers
beckon, then a voice, don’t linger
come inside.
S4. Don't think 'offers' works (not 'spooky' enough.)
Maybe 'hung' for 'shelved'?
Also
and creatures staring from glass tombs ?
S5. if 'staring' (above) then maybe 'stares' (L1) becomes 'glares'?
I like the pestle/wrestle rhyme, but wouldn't you freeze if you felt a knife against your back? Perhaps the 'fight' doesn't start until the next verse when N is almost in the pot?
purrs on a rat-skin mat and glares
with copper eyes. Out of nowhere
a knife is pressed
against my back, my blood runs cold.
I feel her breath, do as your told
my tasty guest
S6.
She prods me to the bubbling pot
I feel its heat, it's fiercely hot
(I think of x
at home and waiting by the phone
I ... )
It occurs to me that, if, at some point, N grabs a ladle from somewhere, either the shelf or from the pot, she might splash some of the hot stew in the crone's face, temporarily blinding her which would then make tripping over the cat a more 'plausible' ending. It would certainly explain 'craze'.
Long story medium, I think you need to expand the last two verses into three.
Regards, Not
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S1L2 --> I like tantalize for a polysyllabic rhyme, but don't like it because the "devour" preceding it works contrary to it. I get that you're describing a contrary effect of stars, but in that case *what* they tantalize should be developed, not dropped. Lots of "ize" words though...
S1L4 --> Just make it: "The signal's lost." The sense of "but," will be carried without it and the speech will be more natural and metrical. Maybe also make it two short sentences.
S1 overall is a good intro: Musical and effeciently setting the scene.
S2L4 --> perhaps "and distant" so that what it is and its approach could be developed later. -?
--> also I don't think of shouts as persistent.
S2L6 --> Love the cliffhanger effect.
S3L1 --> "spy" hm. It fits with the tone of a spooky tale. I guess that's the difference between "spooky" and "horror." Idiosyncratically, I've only ever heard the expression "I spy," in the child's game, "I spy with my little eye." Not sure that hits the tone you want.
S3L4 --> "She" is abrubpt. Perhaps, "A haggard woman crooks a finger" -?
S3L5 --> Linger is fine. I'm wishing for "malinger" but it doesn't fit.
GENERAL Many of the rhymes are one syllable and end the line with a strong pause, even if sometimes the sentence technically continues on. The sing-song effect creates a fairy tale tone.
S3L5 --> Perhaps "and *things* dissected in glass tombs." Italics not asterisks though.
GENERAL --> I really enjoy the details. So many are just right. "copper eyes" for example. "Besom broom" "glass tombs" I really like the engineering that went into pestle/wrestle -- the pestle being set up by the glass tombs, implying mad-scientisty-stuff all over the place.
Sfinal
L1-2 --> pot/hot -- too easy.
L1-2 --> Pet peave with off-rhymes like shock/locked. "A heavy door with heavy lock/leaves my desperate grasp in shock/but in a craze..." I don't know. A hasty attempt...
L4 --> Perhaps, "she trips across her cat" instead of "stumbles over puss" in the states, that word is distracting for its overwhelming female connotations. Everyone understands it can mean a cat, but no one ever uses it that way.
S1L4 --> Just make it: "The signal's lost." The sense of "but," will be carried without it and the speech will be more natural and metrical. Maybe also make it two short sentences.
S1 overall is a good intro: Musical and effeciently setting the scene.
S2L4 --> perhaps "and distant" so that what it is and its approach could be developed later. -?
--> also I don't think of shouts as persistent.
S2L6 --> Love the cliffhanger effect.
S3L1 --> "spy" hm. It fits with the tone of a spooky tale. I guess that's the difference between "spooky" and "horror." Idiosyncratically, I've only ever heard the expression "I spy," in the child's game, "I spy with my little eye." Not sure that hits the tone you want.
S3L4 --> "She" is abrubpt. Perhaps, "A haggard woman crooks a finger" -?
S3L5 --> Linger is fine. I'm wishing for "malinger" but it doesn't fit.
GENERAL Many of the rhymes are one syllable and end the line with a strong pause, even if sometimes the sentence technically continues on. The sing-song effect creates a fairy tale tone.
S3L5 --> Perhaps "and *things* dissected in glass tombs." Italics not asterisks though.
GENERAL --> I really enjoy the details. So many are just right. "copper eyes" for example. "Besom broom" "glass tombs" I really like the engineering that went into pestle/wrestle -- the pestle being set up by the glass tombs, implying mad-scientisty-stuff all over the place.
Sfinal
L1-2 --> pot/hot -- too easy.
L1-2 --> Pet peave with off-rhymes like shock/locked. "A heavy door with heavy lock/leaves my desperate grasp in shock/but in a craze..." I don't know. A hasty attempt...
L4 --> Perhaps, "she trips across her cat" instead of "stumbles over puss" in the states, that word is distracting for its overwhelming female connotations. Everyone understands it can mean a cat, but no one ever uses it that way.
Hi Eira,
This is a well-told tale, full of detail and suspense - a page-turner - and your music makes it hum along. Nice work. I might write midnight as one word, and consider alternatives for canines and fierce heat, where I think you could use another syllable for your very regular rhythm. But these are minor niggles. I like it, andi t is very a propos!
Cheers,
John
This is a well-told tale, full of detail and suspense - a page-turner - and your music makes it hum along. Nice work. I might write midnight as one word, and consider alternatives for canines and fierce heat, where I think you could use another syllable for your very regular rhythm. But these are minor niggles. I like it, andi t is very a propos!
Cheers,
John
Thanks Johnjisbell00 wrote: ↑Tue Oct 24, 2023 6:54 amHi Eira,
This is a well-told tale, full of detail and suspense - a page-turner - and your music makes it hum along. Nice work. I might write midnight as one word, and consider alternatives for canines and fierce heat, where I think you could use another syllable for your very regular rhythm. But these are minor niggles. I like it, andi t is very a propos!
Cheers,
John
Of course midnight should be one word!
I have changed fierce to raging - hoping that reads better. Not sure I can add another syllable for canines?
Eira
Haha!! Now howling teeth is something new for Halloween. I chose canines to cover dogs, wolves, foxes etc Perhaps I'll have a rethink. (reminds me I have a root canal in my canine soon )
Eira