Equal Measures (version 3)
Grabbing life means different things
to young and old; as a youth
it meant playing hard, studying hard
and working hard to advance
the quality of my life. Today
it means shuffling about my yard
with a plastic grabber in my hand
to retrieve my parts that fall
to the leaves and to the land.
alternative ending:
to retrieve my fungible parts
that fall to the patio and the land.
☙
Equal Measures (two versions)
Grabbing life means different things
to the young and old; as a youth
it meant playing hard, studying hard,
grieving hard, and working hard
to advance the quality of my life.
Today it means shuffling about my yard
with a plastic grabber in my hand
to retrieve my fungible parts
that fall onto the floor and the land.
☙
Grabbing life means different things
to the young and old; as a youth
it meant playing hard, studying hard,
working hard to advance the quality
of my life. Today it means shuffling
about my yard with a plastic grabber
in my hand to retrieve my parts
that fall onto the floor and the land.
☙
I already have a bunch of versions. These are the best two. Perhaps this poem isn't worth so much attention.
Equal Measures (version 3)
- CalebPerry
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Last edited by CalebPerry on Sun Jul 14, 2024 10:31 pm, edited 6 times in total.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
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I've never heard of anyone grieving hard. If you need a replacemet I'd suggest fucking hard. Fungible parts has me wondering exactly what you're referring to. Surely you don't need floor and land? I fear that, for me, "grabbing" will always be associated wth Trump.
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
- CalebPerry
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Thank you for your thoughts, Ray. To the extent that young people commit suicide more often than older people (which I think is true), I think it's fair to say that younger people "grieve hard".
The comment about "fungible parts" is meant humorously (using an economic term in a personal way). It's just my way of saying that old people sometimes lose their "parts" as they get older -- I have already lost wisdom teeth and the lenses in my eyes, which were replaced with plastic.
Yes, I don't need "floor" AND "land", but the truth is that I use the grabber mostly inside. I'll change that.
That Donald Trump likes to grab women's pussies won't be remembered forever. I'd like to think that my poetry will still be read after he is forgotten.
The question for me is, does the idea of the poem work for you? It's a trivial poem, written when I'm not feeling inspired. I can imagine that shows.
The comment about "fungible parts" is meant humorously (using an economic term in a personal way). It's just my way of saying that old people sometimes lose their "parts" as they get older -- I have already lost wisdom teeth and the lenses in my eyes, which were replaced with plastic.
Yes, I don't need "floor" AND "land", but the truth is that I use the grabber mostly inside. I'll change that.
That Donald Trump likes to grab women's pussies won't be remembered forever. I'd like to think that my poetry will still be read after he is forgotten.
The question for me is, does the idea of the poem work for you? It's a trivial poem, written when I'm not feeling inspired. I can imagine that shows.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
- CalebPerry
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- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
This poem isn't one of my best, but I've decided to keep it. Here is the new version.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
What do you pick up with your plastic grabber Caleb?
I think the poem centres on the contrast between youth ambition and age reality, especially the physical reality. I like your use of 'shuffling' in that context and your play with grabbing/grabber.
I think the poem centres on the contrast between youth ambition and age reality, especially the physical reality. I like your use of 'shuffling' in that context and your play with grabbing/grabber.
- CalebPerry
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As I said the last time I gave Kris a scolding, old age isn't being good to me. I have non-stop atrial fibrillations which make me tired. (The surgeon doesn't think I'm a good candidate for an operation.) The reason I can't bend over to pick up things is that I have had a non-stop lower- and mid-back spasm for about four years now. It gets worse and better, but it is always there. To pick up something from the floor requires me to stretch my lower-back muscles, and it is very painful. Those plastic grabbers have saved my life. I used to drop things on the floor and just leave them there.
Do you remember watching the Carol Burnett Show, and do you remember the old man that Tim Conway would play in which he took teeny-tiny steps when he walked? I never understood why that was funny (and I still don't), but a lot of older people lose their mobility because their muscles and tendons lose flexibility. That seems to be happening to me. I can't take long strides any more when I walk because that stretches those spasming muscles too much.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
- CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3096
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
Not a bad idea. Thanks!
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.