Elegy for Childhood

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

REVISION:

There’s a thing that dies

When a child wakes up grown.
When wooden blocks and baby dolls,
tree-branch swords and fairy wings,
dress-up box and make-believe
Are set aside for good.

There’s a thing that dies

When a child leaves her home.
When drives to school and lunchbox notes,
homework done and classes missed,
plays performed and softballs pitched
sail off in memory.

There’s a thing that dies

when she walks “real life’s” road
when work looms large, but rest is far,
laundry’s piled and rent is due,
and frivolous moments far too few
and laughter's echo fading.

But there’s a thing that’s born

When a woman stands alone,
And sets her own, purposeful course.
Then fairy wings and lunchbox notes,
her childhood dreams and daring hopes,
will fuel the beating heart

of life beginning.


ORIGINAL:
There’s a thing that dies
when a child wakes up grown
When the wooden blocks and baby dolls,
the tree-branch swords and fairy wings,
The dress-up box and make-believe
Are set aside for good.

There’s a thing that dies
when a child leaves her home
when the drives to school and lunchbox notes,
the homework done and classes missed,
the plays performed and softballs pitched
are wistfully recalled.

There’s a thing that dies
when she walks “real life’s” road
when work looms large, but rest is far,
the laundry’s piled and the rent is due,
the frivolous moments are far too few
and some silliness is gone.

But there’s a thing that’s born
When a woman stands alone
when fairy wings and lunchbox notes
childhood’s dreams and daring hopes
will fuel the beating heart
that sends her soaring.

[ray miller]

Enjoyed the read. The last verse took me a bit by surprise, I suppose I expected it to continue in a similar vein. Are the rhymes of the last 3 verses conscious? There doesn't seem to be one in the opening verse is why I ask.

There’s a thing that dies
when a child wakes up grown - wakes up grown seems a bit clumsy when "is grown" is easy
When the wooden blocks and baby dolls,
the tree-branch swords and fairy wings,
The dress-up box and make-believe
Are set aside for good.

There’s a thing that dies
when a child leaves her home - do you need "her"?
when the drives to school and lunchbox notes,
the homework done and classes missed,
the plays performed and softballs pitched
are wistfully recalled.

There’s a thing that dies
when she walks “real life’s” road - just "life's road"?
when work looms large, but rest is far,
the laundry’s piled and the rent is due,
the frivolous moments are far too few - you can do without "far"
and some silliness is gone.

But there’s a thing that’s born
When a woman stands alone - I'd put a full stop here. "Then fairy wings..."
when fairy wings and lunchbox notes
childhood’s dreams and daring hopes
will fuel the beating heart
that sends her soaring.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Anna,
enjoyed the sum, but not all the parts.

One thought:

There’s a thing that dies
when a child wakes
and puts away her wooden blocks,
the baby dolls and tree-branch swords,
the fairy wings, the dress-up box.
When make-believe is set aside
for good. There’s a thing that dies

when a child leaves ...

A second thought:

I'm not that keen on the nebulous 'thing'. Would you consider making the focus a bit more personal?
Something like

We grow old
when a child ...

(and end with 'young again'?)

S2.
'wistfully recalled' is too tell, no show. And all the examples feel generic. Could be anyone? Why not some specific instances?

S3.
Same again. What 'silliness'? An example might be more useful.

S4.
Where did 'daring hopes' and 'childhood's dreams' come from?
I think you need to end with you/we watching her soar (though not keen on soaring) and that whatever is born is born in the watcher. The thing that dies doesn't seem, to me, to be in the child but there in the watcher.
(Might not her/the woman's heart be full of fairy wings and lunchbox notes, etc?)


Regards, Not

.

[littlebirdsaved]

I actually really liked the last verse. It did take me by surprise, but it was a good surprise.
Similarly to one of the other readers, I’m not a great fan of “thing”. I’d try to make it a bit more specific. I think it would help improve the imagery of the poem. It would also make it less cliched. Maybe even consider varying the “thing” between different stanzas.

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Thanks for the feedback!
I've put up another draft. What do you think of the stand-alone lines?

Ray, the added words in the second lines of each stanza are so that the rhythm is more consistant with "When a woman walks alone," but maybe there is a better way to approach that. I'll give it some thought! LOVE that adjustment at the end with the full stop. Thanks for that!

Not, thanks for the input!
Especially the spots that were "too tell, no show." You're absolutely right! I don't mind that the examples are generic in this case, since I think they'll appeal to a common idealized image of childhood, albeit less specific.

Littlebirdsaved, thanks! The last stanza is meant to be a shift, so I'm glad it came across. I'm not sure how to get rid of "thing" without being more specific than I want to be. The idea is that childhood dies in service of growing up and building a purposeful, beautiful life as an adult, but saying "childhood dies" seems a bit on the nose.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi ABC.

I think they'll appeal to a common idealized image of childhood, albeit less specific.
I'm not too sure. Often the specific becomes the general, the universal. The list of 'generic' images is quite a long one here and doesn't really excite. It feels a bit 'academic' rather than 'lived' (if that makes any sense.)
What is S2 adding that isn't covered in S1?

A cut and paste thought ...


There’s a thing that dies

When a child wakes up grown.
When wooden blocks and baby dolls,
tree-branch swords and fairy wings,
dress-up box and make-believe
Are set aside for good.

when she walks “real life’s” road ........................ do you need this (given what follows?)
when work looms large, but rest is far, ................. 'large/far' aren't really opposites are they?
laundry’s piled and rent is due,
and frivolous moments far too few ...................... second 'far'.
and laughter's echo fading.

But when a child stands alone,
And sets her own, purposeful course.
Then fairy wings and lunchbox notes,
her childhood dreams and daring hopes,
will fuel the beating heart

there’s a thing that’s born


Regards, Not

.