My granny's memories of WWII

[littlebirdsaved]

Yellow stands for the sun,
daffodils, egg yolks,  
and the dress she wore hiding in ditches.

The muddy stains wouldn’t wash off.
I get rashes after eating eggs,
bouts of sneezing around daffodils.

I wear blue dresses —
like the summer sky she watched
while lying in the ditch.

[Macavity]

Yellow stands for the sun,
daffodils, egg yolks,  
and the dress she wore hiding in ditches.

The mud wouldn’t wash off.
I get a rash after eating eggs,
bouts of sneezing around daffodils.

I wear blue dresses —
like the summer sky she watched
while lying in the ditch.

Enjoyed lbs, especially the connect/disconnect. Made a few suggestions above. Particularly liked how the 'blue' managed to thread back to the memory without replication. How we signify/code was an interesting aspect of the poem.

[ray miller]

Good poem. I'd prefer "Yellow is the sun" myself, Stands for is a bit too much like waving a flag. I suppose you might add something about being easily sunburnt.

[littlebirdsaved]

Thank you both! Great suggestions

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi LBS,
agree with Ray about the sunburn (perhaps as a replacement for the 'muddy stains' line?)
My niggle is with 'like' (S3, L2) - that 'watched' (plus the title and 'hiding') suggests the sky might be a source of danger, so perhaps 'the same colour as the summer ...'?

Regards, Not

.

[ton321]

Hi LBS
Enjoyed the piece.
I like the way you have threaded "colour" throughout. Maybe you could elaborate with another stanza or two after the second verse, with more comparisons but it's fine as it is

Tony

[camus]

I really like the concept here, the use of colour connections, the direct but affecting language.

It's short and sweet tasting. BUT I would question these rather convoluted lines:

I get rashes after eating eggs,
bouts of sneezing around daffodils.

They seem too convenient a connection?

For such a concise poem, every line must count. Personally i would approach a different connection but in the same vain?

Also agree with Ray:

I'd prefer "Yellow is the sun" myself

A fine read that made me try harder to crit, Keep posting!

Cheers
Kris