At the John Masefield High School cum Leisure Centre,
the poet’s preparing to play walking football
and fashion it into metre and verse. He’s taken
a half-hour of keepy-uppies and double the dosage
of Brufen and arnica to help him endure
the full sixty minutes. The medications
are like meditations, blocking out bruises
and aching muscles the better to focus
on iambic stresses, not burst into too rapid
a rhythm, keeping the ball down below head height,
avoiding overblown, grandiose language.
Limbering up on the side-lines, the stretches
and turns resemble Open Mic rehearsals.
But every week he fails to remember
the prohibitions on physical contact
and omits to leave any white space.
Block Tackling
-
ray miller
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 7482
- Joined: Wed Apr 23, 2008 10:23 am
I'm out of faith and in my cups
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
I contemplate such bitter stuff.
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi Ray,
it felt a little flat to me. I think the mention of Masefield (along with metre and verse) that led me to expect something that was, perhaps, never your intention to deliver.
One niggle, you explain the benefit of the medications, but not of 30 minutes of keepy-uppy (do you actually need it, especially as later you're limbering and stretching on the sidelines?)
Perhaps 'neglects' for 'omits'?
Regards, Not
.
it felt a little flat to me. I think the mention of Masefield (along with metre and verse) that led me to expect something that was, perhaps, never your intention to deliver.
One niggle, you explain the benefit of the medications, but not of 30 minutes of keepy-uppy (do you actually need it, especially as later you're limbering and stretching on the sidelines?)
Perhaps 'neglects' for 'omits'?
Regards, Not
.
-
AnnaBonjourCadenza
- Posts: 44
- Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2024 3:37 am
Hi Ray,
This is so fun, I love the idea!
I think "omits to leave" isn't quite the right use of omits, maybe "fails" or "neglects." Could be I'm missing a play on words there?
Just an idea, maybe extend the alliteration and smooth out the rhythm with "not rush to too rapid a rhythm..." so that line runs forward a little quicker. Totally up to preference, though!
Anna
This is so fun, I love the idea!
I think "omits to leave" isn't quite the right use of omits, maybe "fails" or "neglects." Could be I'm missing a play on words there?
Just an idea, maybe extend the alliteration and smooth out the rhythm with "not rush to too rapid a rhythm..." so that line runs forward a little quicker. Totally up to preference, though!
Anna