Ghazal

[ton321]

They opened a book full of colours,
and laughed when letters hid inside the colours.

Your absence seems to be like black and white;
sometimes my eyes adjust to the the new colours.

I close them tight, imagine the bleeding
to death of feeling is the new colour.

The thwarted greys and greens of Winter
still hint at the numbing, loss of colour.

My Grandfather could watch a game of snooker
on his black and white tv. He didn't need colour.

His wife died when he upgraded to a new set.
There's something to be said for a lack of colour.

[Macavity]

I know you are working a form, but the last four lines are excellent.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Tony,
don't know much about the form, but aren't the couplets meant to be independent? If so then the third one isn't working. Also the second could do with polishing, 'seems to be' is on the weak side, for me.

Regards, Not

.

[ton321]

Thanks Mac, Not for the comments.

Not, the rhyme scheme in an a ghazal scheme is
AA BA CA DA EA and so on. Each couplet is called a sher.




Tony

[ton321]

Not where did you read that each couplet had to be independent?

And what does that mean? Don't get hung up on rules pal


Tony

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Tony.

Not where did you read that each couplet had to be independent?

Reading critiques on Eratosphere (I think), but see

here: (4)
https://www.wikihow.com/Write-a-Ghazal

or here:
https://writers.com/how-to-write-a-ghazal-poem
"Each couplet typically ends in a period. Each couplet should be able to stand on its own, while also being interlinked with the other couplets. Often, these couplets are described as being “pearls, strung together.” Some ghazal poets argue that each couplet is its own poem; the ghazal is just what happens when the couplets sit side-by-side."

Don't get hung up on rules pal

Who? Me?

Regards, Not

.

[Macavity]

There is some discussion of the form at the Sphere now...

https://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=35899

I don't have the intellectual stamina to follow the responses there.

[ton321]

Thanks Not, Mac, if It had been posted in Eratosphere it would be have been ripped to shreds by now lol, so thanks for going easy on me.
Tony

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Hi Tony,

I love the concept, it's beautiful!

I've just now read a bit about ghazals, but this is my first look at them so disregard this if it's incorrect.

I think the longer second lines, especially in the first few couplets, weaken the rhythm. But if that is intentional or part of the form, go for it!

Anna

[ton321]

Thanks Anna

It's an unsure form of poem in English. I'm sure I could google it all up, but sometimes you want to surprise yourself with different forms, and ways of thinking
but thanks for stopping by

T