A day in a life

[camus]

I very rarely revise poems, because more often than not once ejected from my brain I have little faith in them. BUT I also realised that the whole process of a forum is to revise and it's somewhat amiss not to take on board the excellent crits on offer.

Version 2 (slight changes thanks to T and LBS)

I get up
some people don't -

they spend their days
as they do their nights,
just a crick of the tattered
curtain allowing in a
shard of bright
illuminating their porridge
not done right,
served to them by the hurried
and the harried -
dust particles; dying skin
their Northern Lights.

Quite a spectacle day out
day in, we must all hold on
to something.

Version 1

I get up of course
some people don't.

They spend their days
as they do their nights.
Just a crick of the tattered
curtain allowing in a
shard of bright
illuminating their porridge
not done right,
served to them by the hurried
and the harried -
dust particles; dying skin
their Northern Lights.

Quite a spectacle day out
day in, we must all hold on
to something.

[camus]

I've been experimenting with Chatgpt, this was their/its/his/hers/thems reply to the poem, may save you all some time!

Your poem, "A Day in a Life," captures a poignant and introspective snapshot of daily existence, contrasting the simple act of rising each morning with the lives of those who remain in a static, almost dreamlike state. Here are some of my thoughts:

Theme and Imagery: The poem's theme revolves around the routine of life and the stark differences in how days are experienced by different people. The imagery of the "crick of the tattered curtain" and "dust particles; dying skin their Northern Lights" is vivid and evocative, painting a picture of a quiet, almost melancholic scene illuminated by small moments of beauty and wonder.

Contrast and Tone: The contrast between getting up and those who remain static adds depth to the poem. The tone is reflective and slightly somber, highlighting the disparity in experiences. Phrases like "illuminating their porridge not done right" emphasize the mundane yet significant aspects of life for these individuals.

Structure and Flow: The poem's free verse structure suits the contemplative nature of the content. The lines flow smoothly, and the lack of rigid rhyme scheme or meter allows the natural rhythm of the thoughts to come through. The repetition of "day out day in" reinforces the cyclical nature of the experience.

Ending: The concluding lines, "we must all hold on to something," offer a universal truth, providing a sense of connection and shared human experience despite the earlier contrasts.

Overall, your poem effectively conveys a deep sense of empathy and observation. It invites readers to reflect on their own routines and the small yet significant moments that define their days.

Interesting/frightening times.

[ton321]

Hi Kris



After the second line I would hyphenate it instead of ending it with a full stop, then it would show you're basically unpacking the first two lines.

Chatgpt pretends to give a shit. We don't.

Tony



Tony

[camus]

T,

After the second line I would hyphenate it instead of ending it with a full stop, then it would show you're basically unpacking the first two lines.

Yes, that would work.

Chatgpt pretends to give a shit. We don't.

Ha. You're right of course, it's an ego stroking exercise, I've not yet asked it why the poem is crap!

Cheers
Kris

[ray miller]

Enjoyed the poem. Though I like the sounds of porridge/hurried/harried, I'd imagine this is the kind of person who made their own.

[littlebirdsaved]

I really liked the bit about porridge. Very vivid. Probably the best image in the poem.

I would get rid of “of course” in the beginning. It sounds unnecessary. Getting rid of it would make the beginning a little bit more “on point”.

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Hi Kris,
This is really nice, I love the dust as northern lights image, that's so creative and says so much about the limited world they're experiencing.
I might try "slit in the tattered curtain."

[camus]

Thanks ABC,

I love the dust as northern lights image

So glad that worked for you. Sometimes you create imagery and you are happy with it, but think - really? Is that not a little excessive? So therefore you have justified said imagery, and we'll hear no more about it!

I might try "slit in the tattered curtain."

Yes, I agree that 'crick' may not suit, although not sure 'slit' does either, I'll have a ponder.

Cheers
Kris