The Word Thief (Villanelle)

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Thanks in advance for your comments! This is such a helpful forum!

{REVISED}
He slipped into my mind and stole my words.
He twisted them to make me feel their weight.
I guess at least it means somebody heard.

Those words, the truth I wanted to create,
were told to others slanted by his hate.
He slipped into my mind and stole my words.

Those words I spoke to differentiate,
and bare my soul to seek a better fate…
I guess at least it means somebody heard.

There was a time I thought him my soulmate,
and freely would have offered a clean slate.
But he slipped into my mind and stole my words.

And now I find it in my heart to hate
his lies in place of my imperfect state
I guess at least it means somebody heard…

I heard my words in echoes with the weight
of all the joy they meant I could create.
He slipped into my mind and stole my words.
I guess it means that, finally, I heard.


{ORIGINAL}

He slipped into my mind and stole my words
and twisted them to make me feel their weight.
I guess at least it means somebody heard.

Those words, the food I chose to fill my plate,
were served to others slanted by his hate.
He slipped into my mind and stole my words.

Those words I told him to reveal my state,
to bare my soul and seek a better fate.
I guess at least it means somebody heard.

There was a time I thought him my soulmate,
and freely would have offered a clean slate.
But he slipped into my mind and stole my words.

And now I find it in my heart to hate
his lies in place of my imperfect state
I guess at least it means somebody heard…

I heard my words in echoes with the weight
of all the joy they meant I could create.
He slipped into my mind and stole my words.
I guess it means that, finally, I heard.

[NotQuiteSure]

Hi Anna.
I enjoyed the read, but felt it lacked a bit of bite. Wasn't keen on the repeat of 'state' either (and 'soulmate' with it's emphasis on the wrong syllable wrong foots.


He slipped into my mind and stole my words ............. Nice line, though perhaps a period here, and start the next line with 'he'?
and twisted them to make me feel their weight. ......... 'Make' feels a little weak, and how does 'twisting' work? I'm not really seeing how this line leads into the next. Does it have to be negative? Might not this be N before they realise what's going on?
I guess at least it means somebody heard.

Those words, the food I chose to fill my plate,
were served to others slanted by his hate. ............... not seeing how 'slanted' works with the food/plate metaphor.
He slipped into my mind and stole my words.

Those words I told him to reveal my state, ............ how about 'differentiate'?
to bare my soul and seek a better fate.
I guess at least it means somebody heard. .............. weakest verse, for me. Who would say 'reveal my state' in that context?

There was a time I thought him my soulmate,
and freely would have offered a clean slate. ................. don't really understand if the clean slate is N's or being offered to him. Just a thought

There was I time I held him, the mate
of my soul, and offered him ...

And now I find it in my heart to hate
his lies in place of my imperfect state
I guess at least it means somebody heard. ................. 'state' certainly seems like a word to avoid at all costs. Can't follow from L2 to L3.

I heard my words in echoes with the weight
of all the joy they meant I could create. .................not following these two lines.
He slipped into my mind and stole my words.
I guess it means that, finally, I heard. .................... good ending.


Regards, Not

.

[ton321]

Hi

like the attempt at a difficult form, and maybe the form fits the subject? Maybe the ending is too neat though. But it's an impressive piece

Tony

[camus]

Hey Anna,

Plaudits for attempting such a difficult form. They are a great challenge though aren't they? I've attempted a couple, but certainly not to any great standard or to my own satisfaction, so I'm certainly not one to crit. I think NQS has helped out quite sufficiently.

I certainly liked the main refrain: "I guess at least it means somebody heard." very fitting.

Perhaps the ending was a little...sentimental?

Good effort.

Cheers
Kris

[AnnaBonjourCadenza]

Thank you all for the comments! I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to this one.

Not, thank you for the suggestions. I've used several, and I think the poem is definitely stronger for them!

Anna