The house had taken a wrong turn in the woods,
slumped like a drunk, or maybe fell head first.
It doesn’t matter because it went like this.
The non existant search party called itself off
half an hour before it got dark.
And then that was that. Lintel and bark
became best friends. Ivy became the wristwatch
that told the time of day. And there’s no ending
to this tale. Leaf becomes coal, shale and slack,
whose time, like stone, once born there’s no going back.
The House in the Woods.
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NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
Hi Tony,
this is great (and frankly, I'd have liked a little more of it) - The opening line just grabs (in a very nice, consensual way.)
I'm not entirely sold on 'fell head first' - it seems to undercut the excellent 'slumped like a drunk' and doesn't really add much. I'd like to know where this wrong turn was (descriptively) rather than something else about the house. The only other niggle is 'wristwatch' ... but it's a very small one.
If feel the rhythm (and the meaning) falters in that that final line (it's 'stone, once born' I think rhythmically, and 'there's' for meaning.)
Have you considered rearranging the last few lines to end on
And there's no ending to this tale
?
By way of a nudge
The house had taken a wrong turn in the woods,
and now it stood, slumped like a drunk.
.......... I think there's room for another couplet here. How is the house feeling at this point?
The non existant search party called itself off .................... spelling existent
half an hour before it got dark. And that was that.
Over the years Lintel and bark became best friends.
while Ivy became a wristwatch ......................... because she winds?
And there’s no ending to this tale.
Leaf becomes coal, shale and slack,
whose time, like stone,
once born there’s no going back.............. maybe 'once born can't turn back'?
Regards, Not.
this is great (and frankly, I'd have liked a little more of it) - The opening line just grabs (in a very nice, consensual way.)
I'm not entirely sold on 'fell head first' - it seems to undercut the excellent 'slumped like a drunk' and doesn't really add much. I'd like to know where this wrong turn was (descriptively) rather than something else about the house. The only other niggle is 'wristwatch' ... but it's a very small one.
If feel the rhythm (and the meaning) falters in that that final line (it's 'stone, once born' I think rhythmically, and 'there's' for meaning.)
Have you considered rearranging the last few lines to end on
And there's no ending to this tale
?
By way of a nudge
The house had taken a wrong turn in the woods,
and now it stood, slumped like a drunk.
.......... I think there's room for another couplet here. How is the house feeling at this point?
The non existant search party called itself off .................... spelling existent
half an hour before it got dark. And that was that.
Over the years Lintel and bark became best friends.
while Ivy became a wristwatch ......................... because she winds?
And there’s no ending to this tale.
Leaf becomes coal, shale and slack,
whose time, like stone,
once born there’s no going back.............. maybe 'once born can't turn back'?
Regards, Not.
-
AnnaBonjourCadenza
- Posts: 44
- Joined: Sat Jun 15, 2024 3:37 am
Hi Tony,
This is lovely!
I especially like the wristwatch and rhyme of "dark" and "bark" connecting the stanzas.
I think it could benefit from something other than "becomes/became." Maybe the first two could stay, establishing the idea of one thing becoming another, and then "Leaf turns to coal..."
Just a thought though, this is a beautiful piece!
Anna
This is lovely!
I especially like the wristwatch and rhyme of "dark" and "bark" connecting the stanzas.
I think it could benefit from something other than "becomes/became." Maybe the first two could stay, establishing the idea of one thing becoming another, and then "Leaf turns to coal..."
Just a thought though, this is a beautiful piece!
Anna