A darkened stage :: a pool of pink light :: a pool of blue light
:: a woman steps into the pink light and plays out stanza 1
:: a man steps into the blue light and plays out stanza 2
:: they continue with the woman speaking the pink parts
and the man speaking the blue parts ; the black parts are
spoken/acted out in unison.
Rock those hairs
Upon your chin, your lip
Stink a little, stink a lot
Stink about as much as you like
Open your mouth wide
And slack
Blush
Say nothing
Show your thighs
And your back
Venerate your grey, gone-elastic
Knickers
Turn your elbows outwards (!) not )!(
Oh yes
Fart. In public. With pleasure.
Jiggle. And wriggle. And giggle.
Beam openly, at everyone
Make your wardrobe a rainbow
And skip. You are a treasure.
Eliminate the concept of bad hair
Protrude your swollen waist
Let it sit, and hang
Flap your jowls. Shine even your pate.
Nibble at your food
Walk into a meeting holding a hairbrush
Let your tears roll
Take a cuddle
IT IS NOT TOO LATE
Parade your greyed, gone, elastic
Honkers!
Gnarl and bark with rippling ease
Emit teeny yelps as and when
Burn water, darn nothing
Palm your cheek
The smile, the smile . . . Bigger!
Now distort,
g-r-o-w, spittle, spittle
Breathe hot breath
And with an open heart
Meet front - With back
Flutter, bend, limpen. Invite a play -
Go ahead! Adopt a small family of power tools!
TOMORROW - MAY BE - ANOTHER - DAY
Original
Rock those hairs on your lip.
Sweat with style.
Stink a little.
Open your mouth wide, and slack.
Blush.
Say nothing.
Show your thighs.
And your back.
Shit with the door open.
Venerate your grey stained knickers
with the gone elastic.
Fart. In public. With pleasure.
Jiggle. And wriggle. And giggle.
Beam openly, at everyone.
Make your wardrobe a rainbow.
And skip. You are a treasure.
Eliminate the concept of bad hair.
Protrude your swollen waist.
Let it sit and hang.
Flap your jowels. Shine even your pate.
Nibble at your food.
Walk into a meeting holding a hairbrush.
Let your tears roll.
Take a cuddle.
It is not too late.
The Blues & Pinks (V2 formerly Let Yourself Go)
Entertaining piece Jules
best
mac
Yes, a nice contrast to the lack of restraint in S3!"nibble at your food" ... very understated compared to the rest.
How? Perhaps clothing items could be mentioned here too? Again some 'measured' release compared to S3Sweat with style.
Stink a little.
That one made me smileEliminate the concept of bad hair.
best
mac
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CalebPerry
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3096
- Joined: Wed Jul 11, 2018 11:26 am
I understand what you are doing in the poem, and for what it is, I think it works well. But if I encountered a person like that, I'd be tempted to make a citizen's arrest. I seem to be turning into that in my old age, so it hits a little too close to home.
Signature info:
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
If you don't like the black theme, it is easy to switch to a lighter color. Just ask me how.
If I don't critique your poem, it is probably because I don't understand it.
Ok, I have colour coded it.
I can't quite work out whether you were getting the whole duality thing elph & mac, though if not it's interesting you like it anyway!
elph - thank you for my missing L
You slightly misquoted me, possibly intentionally (nibble your food vs nibble at your food) … I think I might prefer your version. Will mull.
Perry - transgression, absolutely. That is the point.
Regards,
Jules
I can't quite work out whether you were getting the whole duality thing elph & mac, though if not it's interesting you like it anyway!
elph - thank you for my missing L
You slightly misquoted me, possibly intentionally (nibble your food vs nibble at your food) … I think I might prefer your version. Will mull.
Perry - transgression, absolutely. That is the point.
Regards,
Jules
-
twoleftfeet
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 6761
- Joined: Wed Dec 07, 2005 4:02 pm
- Location: Standing by a short pier, looking for a long run-up
You're on a roll,Jules - I love the title!
The last line seems a bit tame although I can't say why and can offer no suggestions.
Cheers
Geoff
Me too,although in my case Nature beat me to it..
The last line seems a bit tame although I can't say why and can offer no suggestions.
Cheers
Geoff
Instead of just sitting on the fence - why not stand in the middle of the road?
Not sure I am Jules.I can't quite work out whether you were getting the whole duality thing
So that is the inner, hidden world, embarrassment, self-conscious.Blush.
Say nothing.
This is the world of transgression, a snapped elastic to find self-worth...maybeFart. In public. With pleasure.
best
mac
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JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Hi, Jules
This reminds me of "Warning" by Jenny Joseph, where she threatens to do some outrageous things when she's old,
but in the meantime plays ball.
It reads like a call to the barricades, a sort of "Don't let the bastards grind you down" statement. I'm feeling rebellion
and a rejection of the perceived norms, an examination of self-worth and liberty, sweetened with a firm two fingers
up at the establishment. You could also simply be saying "loosen up a bit".
Good advice!
There's a duality running through the coding, as if you were referencing the good shoulder angel and the bad shoulder devil.
You seem to be offering a choice.
JJ
This reminds me of "Warning" by Jenny Joseph, where she threatens to do some outrageous things when she's old,
but in the meantime plays ball.
It reads like a call to the barricades, a sort of "Don't let the bastards grind you down" statement. I'm feeling rebellion
and a rejection of the perceived norms, an examination of self-worth and liberty, sweetened with a firm two fingers
up at the establishment. You could also simply be saying "loosen up a bit".
Good advice!
There's a duality running through the coding, as if you were referencing the good shoulder angel and the bad shoulder devil.
You seem to be offering a choice.
JJ
Long time a child and still a child
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Jules,
like the colour coding, but, for me, it highlights the weaknesses of blue -
that lacks the conviction of Pink (which could, I think, be punchier).
I do find the three references to 'hair' to be one or two too many.
I'd also been reminded of Jenny Joseph and wondered about 'A Purple Patch'
as a title.
Just some thoughts on pimping up pink.
Rock those hairs
on your lip.
Sweat with style
don't be shy
don't "perspire".
Stink a little.
Open your mouth
wide, and slack.
Loosen your belt,
kick back
go Velcro! Drawstring.
Let it out, and Flap
your jowls
your bingo wings,
your gums.
No need for you to
keep on keeping mum.
Leave the door open
Stop giving a crap
Venerate your grey
stained knickers
faithful, M&S, but
their elastic's snapped
And don't forget
to Fart.
In public.
Loudly
and With pleasure.
No pressure.
Come
It's not too late.
Regards, Not
.
Hi Jules,
like the colour coding, but, for me, it highlights the weaknesses of blue -
that lacks the conviction of Pink (which could, I think, be punchier).
I do find the three references to 'hair' to be one or two too many.
I'd also been reminded of Jenny Joseph and wondered about 'A Purple Patch'
as a title.
Just some thoughts on pimping up pink.
Rock those hairs
on your lip.
Sweat with style
don't be shy
don't "perspire".
Stink a little.
Open your mouth
wide, and slack.
Loosen your belt,
kick back
go Velcro! Drawstring.
Let it out, and Flap
your jowls
your bingo wings,
your gums.
No need for you to
keep on keeping mum.
Leave the door open
Stop giving a crap
Venerate your grey
stained knickers
faithful, M&S, but
their elastic's snapped
And don't forget
to Fart.
In public.
Loudly
and With pleasure.
No pressure.
Come
It's not too late.
Regards, Not
.
Last edited by NotQuiteSure on Fri Sep 27, 2019 2:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Great stuff. The sort of poetry I can’t write and I applaud you rapturously. Not sure about ending on take a cuddle, though? The rest is so ‘fuck it’, self-power, and that speaks of needing reassurance/helplessness.
Nice, Jules.
Luke
Nice, Jules.
Luke
Can I ask a question? What is jowls?
-
NotQuiteSure
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3660
- Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2016 4:05 pm
.
Hi Jules,
the pink sections work, though I think the opening is a bit too abrupt.
The blue sections aren't as convincing, to me, and does it need to be in alternating verses. Might work if blue was constantly interrupting pink.
Think you need an extra fart. Fart. In public. Fart with pleasure.
(Still no idea what 'shine even your pate' means nor why the man has the last word)
Bit of a rough cut and paste -
Venerate your grey, gone-elastic
Jiggle.
Knickers
giggle.
Turn your elbows outwards (!) not )!(
wriggle.
Oh yes
Blush.
Fart.
In public.
Fart
with pleasure.
Take a cuddle
Stink a little, stink a lot
Stink about as much as you like
Walk into a meeting holding a hairbrush
Eliminate the concept of bad hair
Say nothing
Open your mouth wide
Nibble at your food
- Rock those hairs
Show your thighs.
Upon your chin, your lip -
your back
And slack
Beam openly,
Protrude your swollen waist
Make your wardrobe a rainbow
Let it sit, and hang
And skip.
Flap your jowls.
You are a treasure.
Shine even your pate.
Let your tears roll
IT IS NOT TOO LATE
- I don't think this section adds much, with the exception of
'Adopt a family of power tools!'. That works
Regards, Not
.
Hi Jules,
the pink sections work, though I think the opening is a bit too abrupt.
The blue sections aren't as convincing, to me, and does it need to be in alternating verses. Might work if blue was constantly interrupting pink.
Think you need an extra fart. Fart. In public. Fart with pleasure.
(Still no idea what 'shine even your pate' means
nor why the man has the last word)Bit of a rough cut and paste -
Venerate your grey, gone-elastic
Jiggle.
Knickers
giggle.
Turn your elbows outwards (!) not )!(
wriggle.
Oh yes
Blush.
Fart.
In public.
Fart
with pleasure.
Take a cuddle
Stink a little, stink a lot
Stink about as much as you like
Walk into a meeting holding a hairbrush
Eliminate the concept of bad hair
Say nothing
Open your mouth wide
Nibble at your food
- Rock those hairs
Show your thighs.
Upon your chin, your lip -
your back
And slack
Beam openly,
Protrude your swollen waist
Make your wardrobe a rainbow
Let it sit, and hang
And skip.
Flap your jowls.
You are a treasure.
Shine even your pate.
Let your tears roll
IT IS NOT TOO LATE
- I don't think this section adds much, with the exception of
'Adopt a family of power tools!'. That works
Regards, Not
.
Thanks guys
Poet - 'jowls' are the floppy bits on the sides of old people's jaws
The theme of the poem is the rules of attractiveness in society - particularly how agism and sexiism combine to create the perfect storm. BUT, this whole subject may be a pay grade or two above my level. I do think it's important for men to wade fearlessly into discussions about 3rd wave feminism because as the great Caitlin Moran says ' the patriarchy is bumming all of us'.
Amy Schumer caused a storm with her brilliant sketch 'The Last Fuckable Day'. Eddie Izzard and Billy Porter do their bit.
The main trigger for this piece was Viv Albertine's observation (in To Throw Away Unopened) that women 'recalibrate' much better than men. Once she hit her late 50's she discovered that she actually got turned on by good wrinkles and sinews, turned off by the pneumatic, the glossy, the 'same again' clones of 'permanent youth'.
David - yes, the power tools is my favourite bit too.
I get a sense there was something else working here though - JJ, Geoff, Not and Luke, thanks for your enthusiasm - a yin/yang call and answer thing that was somehow liberating regardless of the notions of the acceptable ways of being a man or being a woman.
JJ - you planted the idea of opening up a choice for the reader (contending angels) rather than my more prescriptive approach. And yes, the other JJ was definitely an influence.
Luke - maybe there is something worth salvaging here . . . a case for the bottom drawer I think. I was seeing the vulnerable, passive, 'weak' displays as potential signs of strength and liberation for a male.
My sister rightly pointed out that most of my blues (things forbidden to, but liberating for men) were actually weirdly oppressive stereotypes normally attached to women (jiggling, wriggling, giggling) and were all about containment, occupying less space (c.f. slouching,air-punching, guffawing, even chuckling). I will know I have got this piece right the day I can persuade her and my brother in law to perform it on film!
Not - thank you for coming back on this - you are chivvying my cabaret performers on from the wings, trying to help me get this show on the road - meanwhile they have sent a search party out to look for a new plot. The 'pate-shining' was a plea for more female baldies. Interesting new dynamics in both your c & p's - I will have to brew.
Apparently the 'grey pound' is going to solve everything.
Jules
Poet - 'jowls' are the floppy bits on the sides of old people's jaws
The theme of the poem is the rules of attractiveness in society - particularly how agism and sexiism combine to create the perfect storm. BUT, this whole subject may be a pay grade or two above my level. I do think it's important for men to wade fearlessly into discussions about 3rd wave feminism because as the great Caitlin Moran says ' the patriarchy is bumming all of us'.
Amy Schumer caused a storm with her brilliant sketch 'The Last Fuckable Day'. Eddie Izzard and Billy Porter do their bit.
The main trigger for this piece was Viv Albertine's observation (in To Throw Away Unopened) that women 'recalibrate' much better than men. Once she hit her late 50's she discovered that she actually got turned on by good wrinkles and sinews, turned off by the pneumatic, the glossy, the 'same again' clones of 'permanent youth'.
David - yes, the power tools is my favourite bit too.
I get a sense there was something else working here though - JJ, Geoff, Not and Luke, thanks for your enthusiasm - a yin/yang call and answer thing that was somehow liberating regardless of the notions of the acceptable ways of being a man or being a woman.
JJ - you planted the idea of opening up a choice for the reader (contending angels) rather than my more prescriptive approach. And yes, the other JJ was definitely an influence.
Luke - maybe there is something worth salvaging here . . . a case for the bottom drawer I think. I was seeing the vulnerable, passive, 'weak' displays as potential signs of strength and liberation for a male.
My sister rightly pointed out that most of my blues (things forbidden to, but liberating for men) were actually weirdly oppressive stereotypes normally attached to women (jiggling, wriggling, giggling) and were all about containment, occupying less space (c.f. slouching,air-punching, guffawing, even chuckling). I will know I have got this piece right the day I can persuade her and my brother in law to perform it on film!
Not - thank you for coming back on this - you are chivvying my cabaret performers on from the wings, trying to help me get this show on the road - meanwhile they have sent a search party out to look for a new plot. The 'pate-shining' was a plea for more female baldies. Interesting new dynamics in both your c & p's - I will have to brew.
Apparently the 'grey pound' is going to solve everything.
Jules
-
JJWilliamson
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 3276
- Joined: Sun Feb 22, 2015 6:20 am
Hi again, Jules
I enjoyed your explanation so much that I read your poem again from a new perspective. (for the umpteenth time)
I still find an overwhelming feeling of rejection of the perceived norms and conventions. You appear to be exploring expectations rather than attractiveness, where defiance, or at least the encouragement of defiance, is at the fore. Speaking of which, how are you using "attractiveness? In what context? Are you referring to social conventions or physical attractiveness or BOTH.
I must say, though, it dances along beautifully and I found myself having a Network moment (film) with "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
Do you need the Gone the Wind reference in the close? I always thought it was the most disappointing end to a blockbuster movie ever! Are you employing irony? Actually, the more I think about it the more I like it. Sorry for muddying the waters.
I prefer the revision btw.
Best
JJ
I enjoyed your explanation so much that I read your poem again from a new perspective. (for the umpteenth time)
I still find an overwhelming feeling of rejection of the perceived norms and conventions. You appear to be exploring expectations rather than attractiveness, where defiance, or at least the encouragement of defiance, is at the fore. Speaking of which, how are you using "attractiveness? In what context? Are you referring to social conventions or physical attractiveness or BOTH.
I must say, though, it dances along beautifully and I found myself having a Network moment (film) with "I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
Do you need the Gone the Wind reference in the close? I always thought it was the most disappointing end to a blockbuster movie ever! Are you employing irony? Actually, the more I think about it the more I like it. Sorry for muddying the waters.
I prefer the revision btw.
Best
JJ
Long time a child and still a child