I love you
its time to re-discover
the memory i recover
i found i used to love her
she found another man
a person left in pieces
broken heart, never eases
but a love that never ceases
i love you day by day
but whatever makes you smile
thats all i want all the while
means your number i wont dial
you can leave me but not my mind
J.Usher
please could you give me feedback. thanks
NEW POEM: I LOVE YOU
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cameron
- Site Admin
- Posts: 2162
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- Location: Norfolk 'n' Good
Hi Bonza,
Welcome to the forum.
I'm afraid that I can't be very positive about any of your work so far. Your rhyming seems rather laboured and your subject matter rather too personal. Your poems also tend to "tell" rather than "show" (see previous strands). Punctuation and spelling problems also hampered 'Depression'.
Perhaps you could tackle some other subjects? Or maybe dispense with rhyme for the time being till you find your voice.
Sorry if this all sounds negative.
cheers
Cameron
Welcome to the forum.
I'm afraid that I can't be very positive about any of your work so far. Your rhyming seems rather laboured and your subject matter rather too personal. Your poems also tend to "tell" rather than "show" (see previous strands). Punctuation and spelling problems also hampered 'Depression'.
Perhaps you could tackle some other subjects? Or maybe dispense with rhyme for the time being till you find your voice.
Sorry if this all sounds negative.
cheers
Cameron