You Are
Egglike, safest in your shell,
Limbs round the spark, and sun-jawed,
Warmed like a chick. A hopefulness
Feather-spread on a gull’s soar.
Coiled in your wish like a spring,
Searching your view like eagles do.
Blind as a potato from the harvest
Of Autumn to the last plate of July.
O high-flyer, my tiny pie.
Lost as dune rain and wanted like daylight.
Far from morning as midnight.
North-stayed hands, our stopped watch.
Caught as a breath and vacant
Like a zero on a graph.
A crackle of bark, all breaks.
Trembling as a birthday jelly.
White, like a moment gone.
A tea time, with your sunny face on.
‘You’re’ -- many apologies Ms Plath.
You Are
I don't think any apologies are due - I prefer it to the original.
'Blind as a potato from the harvest
Of Autumn to the last plate of July.' - beats the turnip bit hands down (or eyes).
I liked the contrast with the line before -
'Searching your view like eagles do.' - Sharp-eyed eagles and blind-eyed spuds.
There's some good stuff getting into this competition.
Barrie
'Blind as a potato from the harvest
Of Autumn to the last plate of July.' - beats the turnip bit hands down (or eyes).
I liked the contrast with the line before -
'Searching your view like eagles do.' - Sharp-eyed eagles and blind-eyed spuds.
There's some good stuff getting into this competition.
Barrie
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"Coiled in your wish like a spring,"
What a line....there are many hear, regardless of the springboard of Plath you took this very far. The rhythm here is fantastic.
This poem made me ache in a wonderful way. Well done!
E
What a line....there are many hear, regardless of the springboard of Plath you took this very far. The rhythm here is fantastic.
This poem made me ache in a wonderful way. Well done!
E
Lia, your poem led me to Sylvia's original, which I really like, so thank you for that.
I like what you've done with it as well - it's a nice respectful take on it. Maybe it's too respectful - I think you clung a little too closely to her lines and her rhythms, when you could have taken wing a little more yourself. Nice job though.
Cheers
David
I like what you've done with it as well - it's a nice respectful take on it. Maybe it's too respectful - I think you clung a little too closely to her lines and her rhythms, when you could have taken wing a little more yourself. Nice job though.
Cheers
David
Thanks, Minstrel.
Glad you knew what I was doing with the eagle/spud thing, Barrie.
E, yeh.. I’m quite keen on the watch line too. Maybe I can work them both into something of my own sometime.
You’ve put my mind at rest, Kris, I’ve felt a bit uncomfortable walking over her poem (silly really), but glad if it’s encouraged you to read more of her work. I was going to take on ‘The Moon and the Yew Tree’ at first, but found it untouchable. Great idea to do this comp. by the way.
It’s all I wanted, David, to show admiration.. to stay inside her structure, use the idea that ‘you’re’ begins every line. I couldn’t manage to keep with all her reasons for using particular words, or take the leaps that she could in the second S.. I had to return to the egg! Just a clumsy curtsey.
Lia
Glad you knew what I was doing with the eagle/spud thing, Barrie.
E, yeh.. I’m quite keen on the watch line too. Maybe I can work them both into something of my own sometime.
You’ve put my mind at rest, Kris, I’ve felt a bit uncomfortable walking over her poem (silly really), but glad if it’s encouraged you to read more of her work. I was going to take on ‘The Moon and the Yew Tree’ at first, but found it untouchable. Great idea to do this comp. by the way.
It’s all I wanted, David, to show admiration.. to stay inside her structure, use the idea that ‘you’re’ begins every line. I couldn’t manage to keep with all her reasons for using particular words, or take the leaps that she could in the second S.. I had to return to the egg! Just a clumsy curtsey.
Lia