In the desert

[Lia]

In the desert

I didn’t understand the windows,
the parked cars; gold

like the fuchsia leaves.
My father told me

the Sahara came in on the wind, today;
something about airstreams.

I don’t need to travel then.
No, he said,

here’s your small piece of Africa.
And, by the looks of that sky,

it will have its rain.

[camus]

Nice.

An essence of over the rainbow, often what you seek is on your doorstep, literally more than figuratively in this case. Alas it's not always sunshine and roses:

it will have its rain.

Enjoyed your condensing.

Coincidentally, or probably not, I wrote a poem containing the same subject:

"Throughout that summer, greasy sand blew in from some desert
Or other."

cheers
Kris

[emuse]

Lia, a gem. I like the austere title that does the work and the line breaks are wonderful. I think line breaks in a shorter poem are even more cruciial. Your breaks make we want to go back and rework all my shorter poems. In the first couplet, I question the word “understand” and wonder if it is really the generic meaning or if you could go deeper with this word. I didn’t see beyond the windows, I didn’t look beyond the windows, etc. These are my thoughts but for you to tinker (if you want).

In the desert

I didn’t understand the windows,
the parked cars; gold

like the fuchsia leaves.
My father told me

the Sahara came in on the wind, today;
something about airstreams.

This is the heart of the poem and an image that adds a great deal of space to the perception. I’d like to see a different choice than “something” to meet the feel of that previous line.

I don’t need to travel then.
No, he said,

here’s your small piece of Africa.
And, by the looks of that sky,

it will have its rain.

Lovely lovely end and an insight into an artist’s world who like Emerson said beauty is plentious as rain if we only care to look.

E

[Minstrel]

Lia

This is certainly a different direction from your previous poems and I like it. You have transposed your skill at line breaks too.

Unlike Emuse I thought the last lines a bit telly. It could be the dialogue.

Minst.

[Lia]

Thanks, Kris.

The Sahara blew over last week.. completely ignorant until my father told me a few days ago.

"Throughout that summer, greasy sand blew in from some desert
Or other." .. Is the rest on here somewhere?-- I’d like to read it. Perhaps I already have(?).

Thanks very much, E. I’m suffering some shock here, that I squished into.. what is it? 11-12 lines!? I’ll have to write an extra long one now to recover!

‘I didn’t look beyond the windows’ shows the ignorance better, but I’m wondering how well it flows on from the title.. if it does quite the same thing as the other one. I’ll chew it over a bit more.

As for ‘something’.. you’re right, I could find something better. I’ll tackle this first. Thanks again.

Thanks, Minstrel. It is a bit telly.. I actually have my doubts that it’s a poem at all. It’s just the brief conversation I had with my father when we were standing by his car the other day.. with a little bit a tweaking, of course. I’ve scribbled down lots of little things like this, some find their way into long poems, but most are redundant.

Lia

[David]

That last bit is telly, but it is the dialogue - so that's fine.

I like these little snippets from life. Moments in aspic, and this is a nice one.

David

[Lia]

Thanks, David. I’ll leave it alone then. I’d been trying to change it a bit, but it kept becoming too forced and less natural. It’s funny though, how these little poetic things show up in a conversation sometimes.. almost little proverbs perhaps, but definitely something cosy about them.

Lia

[Sandbanx]

I like how you have recognized the poetry that can be had from a simple converstaion, and reduced it here. The last line I found to be a pleasant surprise, out there on it's own, like a bonus phrase after I had thought I was finished.

"My father told me" is a wonderful line.

Cheers,

[kozmikdave]

Nice one Lia.

A big departure from what I have come to expect from your poems for simplicity and brevity. And yet another snapshot of life from a different perspective.

Another case of "If Mohammed won't go to the mountain...."

Cheers
Dave

[Lia]

Thanks, Sandbanx. Poetry can probably be found in anything, but noticing it.. well that’s the thing isn’t it.

Thanks very much, Dave. It was a bit of a departure from what I’ve been writing lately. From reading what you’ve said, I can’t tell if you prefer it, and I don’t think I’m going to ask, either! heh ..but yes, definitely a bit of the mountain and Mohammed in this one.

Lia

[Wabznasm]

Enjoyably succinct.

I particularly like the voice of this poem. It's understated and warm.

My only mild problem is the punctuation of some of it -

I don't see the point of

cars; gold and the wind, today

Rhythm?

Thanks for the read
Dave

[dedalus]

Glistens like a raindrop on a blackberry. And what's wrong with a wee bit of telly, anyway? ( aside - I seem to be bloody well drowning in the stuff recently!) This was direct and sharp and looked very attractive on the page.