Nocturne

[k-j]

Eleven p.m. Under your bare feet
the concrete balcony. Seventy degrees
or so. Sporadic cloud. Complete

each day by stating what you know:
eleven p.m., a gentle breeze,
the sound of a television show,

traffic lowing nearby,
or whatever small certainties
remain by eleven p.m. Try. Try.

[Minstrel]

Nice little excerpt. A mood poem.

I like the tangible introduction and the scene set. Reminds me of holidays in warmer climes.
Nice repetition and rhyme.

Uncertain about 'Try. Try.'

Minst.

[camus]

or whatever small certainties
remain by eleven p.m

Excellent lines, the poem does conjour lazy Holiday time.

Not sure what 'Try. Try.' adds other than a call to CHILL!

Daft problem - "p.m.," Full stop then comma, looks awkward, how to alleviate? if indeed it needs alleviating.

Nice little number.

[David]

I'll go along with what Minst and Kris have said, although I didn't get the holiday feel so much. It felt much more quotidian to me.

Beautifully weighted, it moves sparely and springily. An easy lope.

I love traffic lowing nearby. A herd of cars.

I'd also like to join in Kris's puzzle about the full stop and the comma. Nothing to do with your poem, just another one of those little things that baffle us. Gosh, there are so many of them.

Good poem. A moment, indeed.

Cheers

David

[Wabznasm]

Static and vivid.

My two eyebrow raising moments have already been addressed by others (the comma moment and 'Try. Try').

There's one tiny thing (and I had to dig for this): 'gentle breeze'. It's the only second of cliche for me. This is not as especially huge problem, but I can't help but see those two words coupled together often. Most of the time that doesn't matter, but a poem as tight and as deliberate as this makes the reader focus on each detail.

I can't fault:

the sound of a television show,

traffic lowing nearby,

Laconic and lovely.

Thanks for the read
Dave

[k-j]

Cheers for the crits.

"Try. Try." was supposed to emphasise the difficulty of the foregoing injunction, i.e. keeping it real, but also to bring the poem to a very slow halt, a very quick deceleration. I'm going to keep it but I take your point, it could be a flat note.

The "comma moment" as Wabz calls it, is correct. I'm forever correcting documents for the lack of a comma after an abbreviation mark. Wait - what if I'm wrong?!

"Gentle breeze" is slightly cliched Wabz, I agree, good spot. Will change to "little" or "soft" or a fancier, thesaurus word.

K

[dedalus]

Get out of the city - for a while - before it does your head in! Well, first impressions ....

[emuse]

The "try, try" worked for me. Like a mantra of sorts that anybody in anywhereland might consider in their attempts to "be present" and to perceive what is around them. I think the mind gets busy with things. So much clammer going on and this poem feels like an attempt to be in the moment. I really like it. Completely!

e